Awful marriage, great kids

[Tobias1978]

Ok.

I have been battling with my marriage for a good few years now and i need advice on what to do.

Some backround...
I met my wife 2005 she is anglo indian and i am white british. I moved to london from cornwall hesitantly leaving my family and friends to be with her.

I was not allowed to live with my wife until marriage due to her culture.
I put up with this.

When i got married i had to live with her parents. I did and we had our first child within that year. We ended up staying with her mum for 2 years...which i really didnt want.

..i put up with this.

When we eventually got a house my wife still stayed at her mums around the corner for half of the week ..every week. I work night shifts as a paramedic and at the end of a hard shift i wanted to come home to my own family and not my extended one.

She has always tried to restrict my kids contact with my parents. Its lucky if my kids get to see their grandparents for more than 5 days per year.

My kids see her mum almost everyday!!!!!

My wife calls me names such as prick, dumbass,twat etc
She earns 3 times what i do and always puts me and my family down for not doing better in life.

we are intimate maybe once per month.

I put all of what i earn towards family budget but still expects more.
This is while she buys multiple handbags and shoes costing close to a thousand pounds each.

Whenever we have had arguments she always brings my family into them somehow...she has called my mum bitch amongst other names

I have not been an angel.
when she insulted my family so much i have had outburst which i am not proud of.
It got to the point where my outburst became a little physical 3 times but i never hurt her.

She exagerated her stories and told her gp and i was arrested and put in a cell for the night. This really hurt me. I have not touched her since.

More recently a colleague sent me some flirty texts which i acknowledged but i made it clear i was not interested.

My wife found my phone with a text from me to her saying " i would really like to see you but just cant. "

This then blew the roof off...

she chucked me out.

I put all this down to increasing frustration. We have since tried to make it work but still struggling.

I love her still but cant handle the feeling of walking on eggshells because everything i do leads to arguments which then leads into personal comments which leads to more and more hurt.

we had counseling for 3 sessions but she refused to continue. I wanted to.

Everyday i just try to get on with things. Give her hugs ...always the first to say sorry...even if i know shes in the wrong. If something happens i expect a little telling off but taht is all not days of personal insults and emotional bullying.

Our children are 6 and 4 and i love them so much. I cant bear the thought of not being there for them 24/7 but at the same time i cannot stand being around my wife as she brings me down so much....

I have been trying for years..

Should i just hold out a little longer until kids can understand a bit more and are not so needy?

This is the only thing keeping me with her.

When you say a little physical and did not hurt her what do you mean? Because any form of unwanted physical contact is still considered abuse. So what exactly did you do to her?

The marriage sounds awful. You need to separate

I think your title says it all really. Awful marriage.....then probably time to call it quits if you really are so miserable and it's resulted in you losing your temper to the point of being physical. Separated happy parents are far better then married miserable ones in my opinion.

None of this is fair on your kids. What a terrible life. You need to leave.

I think you love her more than she loves you.
Leave

i put up with this.

This was your choice and you are no martyr. Everyone has a role to play in a relationship dynamic, especially a toxic one, unfortunately you’re chosen doormat.

This is who she is and always has been, waiting around for her to be different is a strategy that hasn’t and will never, work. You have always and will always, have choices. The trick is to learn from the poor ones and start making better ones.

Your marriage is toxic and your children deserve better than to be subjected to it.

I love her
??
I don't think you even like her. You have never been compatible. As a couple, you don't work. Get a divorce, get a home near the kids and aim for 50-50 custody if that's what you want.
You'll be amazed at how happy you'll feel once you put the wheels in motion.
Better for children to be with two happy separated parents than to witness a hostile, dysfunctional marriage.

Read back what you have written. What is there to love?

Its probable she in only still with you as she thinks it would bring shame on her family to divorce.
Also very probable her and her family feel you should be main earner, not her and that her money is her’s and her’s alone. I suspect she has very little respect for you.

Stick around if you want but its not a life I’d choose and she wont change.

Also with50/50 custody your family can see your kids whenever you have them instead of 5 times a year!

I dont want to leave so early in the childrens lives.....i also wonder if i give it more time she might change as kids get older?

slapped her gently on her feet when she had them near me.
Tried to get her to put her cup down so we could talk she says i twisted her thumb when i dont think i did.

All these things she exagerated to police.

She has done much worse by slapping me hard in my face twice.

She wont change. Put your foot down, enough arguing and take a stand. Go and get legal advice or do whatever research you can in regard to the kids to ensure you get time with them. She sounds just nasty and together you make a very toxic place for your kids. I would keep quiet, sort out what you can and what you would be entitled to RE kids, make all arrangements possible, then leave quietly. Keep drama to a minimum and go find some happiness. Your kids will thank you later down the line..

You took the cup out of her hand, against her will, so you could talk? Really?

You know what needs to happen but before you leave I would get all your ducks in order and seek out legal advice when it comes to regarding the kids. Sounds like she will make it hard for you to see the kids if you leave her.

You hit her. That should tell you, you’re not the good guy in this. I’m anglo Indian. I have plenty of anglo-Indian friends who’ve married white guys and plenty of white friends who’ve married anglo-Indian people. The relationships only work when there is mutual respect for both side’s culture and values. The fact that you say ‘put up with’ so much in your post suggests you never respected her culture.

Also if she’s earning 3 times more than you as a London paramedic that makes her a very high earner and so she probably needs her mum’s support in terms of childcare. And I’m not going to lie, an indian gran is often far more likely to get very hands on — in most Indian families they do everything that your mum would from bathing to going to nativities to cooking 3 course meals. If your mum would offer up the same then it would make sense for your kids to be around them, if not then the 5 days a year corresponds to what they might get if you hadn’t married an anglo-Indian woman

Anyway, I think you sound very ungrateful. Hitting a woman who supports you, resenting your mil when she gives you so much free childcare— why didn’t you go to a night shift 4 day on 4 day off pattern that a lot of NHS trusts offer and take on the burdon of childcare??

Give it up now for your children's sake, they are watching this and thinking it a normal healthy relationship, it's not, it sounds spiteful and nasty and is no where near even what i would call a relationship, sounds like she can't stand you and has zero respect for you, instead of putting up and wasting your energy on anxiety and walking on eggshells, get the ball rolling, you are entitled to see your children, you need legal advice pronto.

I'd also get a separate bank account so she can't spend thousands on handbags! Get saving for your future home.

Divorce