Affair and Humiliation

[nans14]

Hoping to get some go forward from fellow mums netters. Married 26 years, hubby not easy, in fact very hard work and a big drinker. Comes from a very unusual family to be polite. I'm quiet, hard working, and married him against better judgment but it's been quite fun and certainly chaotic and lively. I've always worked full time and brought up children entirely without support. My choice and very lucky to have them so happy to do so. Few years ago I'd had enough of the constant chaos around the drinking and moods so politely asked him to leave. This he did without too much hassle. Off the went to live in Europe. It was agreed I would keep the house until such a time as it was sold and we would split costs. All worked well until he started to 'cut off' from youngest & then older children too. He would change plans last moment to visit all sorts of nonsense. Refused to have youngest to stay at all. Ever. You can guess what's coming. Transpired he'd been leading a double life for a very long time. Several years in fact. Fast forward and after virtually having a complete breakdown he's now turned it all round on me, blames me for it all, my own counsellor believes he's a narcissist, and I'm left with all the finances to sort, house to sell, and still have youngest two living at home. On top of all this he's ensured I'm the subject of the most awful humiliation with our old mutual friends to the point I've been cut off & people look at me as though I'm the bad person. I've also had to put up with his dreadful girlfriend who's been nothing less than vile to me but I've kept my dignity and refused to go to their level. I've not discussed with anyone what was or has been going on. Not a soul other than my best friend. My question finally is this. I don't have any ties to where we live as decided for personal preservation it's easier to form new friendships and keep old friends from youth. Has anyone experience of moving lock stock and barrel, mid 50s to a new part of the country with no friends? I don't have any family at all, apart from children, and I've almost out the other end from the chaos and finally realised it's him with the problem not me, I'm thinking of starting afresh somewhere else entirely but quite terrified. New town, new house, new job, new everything. Any feedback would be great & much appreciated.

Wow. Well having been on the receiving end of a smear campaign too i promise u that in timeyou wont. Care what people think. Also your lack of drama and good relationships with children has a way of making people see the truth eventualky but they cant be told it.
Cut off any mutual friends who dont do you the minimum courtesy of believing you when you share yr experiences.
It is torture otherwise, feeling ur on trial.

Distance yrself from that old mob.
Xx

Why not? A change is very refreshing. You only get one life.
What do the kids think of moving? How older they.
However, it sounds like you've maintained a dignified silence with your old 'friends' which has backfired. Not sure why you felt the need to protect ex's dignity really.

I understand the temptation to start over somewhere new. It makes sense.

I just think “why should you move?” It’s expensive, unsettling and has risk in terms of setting up your social network.

I’d be more inclined to set people straight on the actual story and see how that goes first.

It also depends on your personality type...outgoing? Would be easier etc.

You shouldn't have to move but I bet it would be phenomenally cathartic for you, so why not?

Is there anywhere you love and could imagine living? Anywhere the kids fancy? It's time for you guys to enjoy life a little more and move on from this pathetic scrotum of a man.

Why do your friends believe him? He's left the country etc so it shows that he's not that bothered about his kids. Tell your side of what happened.

This is something I'm considering, the kids are young and I see it as a new adventure. I say do it, do what makes you happy and open a new chapter in your life.

All I can offer is that if you do move give it a few years to feel settled. Divorce and moving are both enormous changes. Good luck!

I haven’t moved in my 50s but I do spend time away from home on a regular basis. I go to local gyms which have a good solid over 50 clientele. Especially compared to my London base, mostly 20 & 30 years inhabit that.

I am not the most outgoing person but I manage to chat and get to know people. They are friendly and it is easy enough to get invited for a coffee or drinks. Even though I am only there for short periods.

It’s a matter of going back to stages were making friends was needed, six form, university and mums clubs. Just start chatting and making conversation. If I as an introverted 50 Londoner can do it, it’s doable.

Do it. It will be the start of an exciting new chapter for you and your children.