Handhold - - estranged husband heart failure

[Waytooearly]

About a year ago I separated from my husband. He was binging on alcohol periodically and it got ridiculous. Like living with an 80kg toddler. The last straw was spending a harrowing few days with A and E and him being put into rehab, coming home, deciding to go to the cinema together, whereupon he ordered a beer to enjoy with the film, explaining to me that he did not really have a problem with alcohol.

So I moved out and we are making steps towards divorce, remaining friendly and caring as much as possible. We were together 15 years and obviously loads of good times. Since separating he's dating and I've been involved with someone new.

Anyway, ex has been binging over the last few weeks. This means like 4-5 bottles per day. I was leaving him to it, figuring if he can get himself alcohol he can get himself help.

However he rang me yesterday afternoon and asked whether I'd drive him to the GP as he was unwell. He said he couldn't manage the 500 metre walk to the GP. He's never done that before and though I suspected it was drama I drove him. GP took his stats and called ambulance. Now he's in hospital and doctors say heart failure.

I spent last night and most of today with him, texted his friends and family.

I am a little freaked out at how numb I feel. Of course I am kind and caring towards him. However all I can think of is the amount of times he looked at my fucking face and told me he was not going to give up alcohol and that I was judgemental. And now he's dying in I guess the way he wanted. I know how cold that sounds. I'm sort of afraid to start crying.

The doctors keep looking at me when the give the diagnoses and when they describe the treatment plan. I finally had to tell the consultant this morning, 'Tell him, not me!' we have told the doctor that I'm an ex.

One of our friends today asked whether I would be moving back in to care for him when he comes home. I gave her a blunt 'no' and was frankly surprised she would suggest it.

I don't really have a question. This just sucks.

I'm so sorry OP.
You should not have to be doing all of that.
You are separated.
You are being extremely kind.
Can his family come and take over for a bit?

Thanks for reading. His only family is his elder brother and sister-in-law, who live few hours away. Elder brother is flappily texting me for updates and dithering whether and when he could come on train. I have given him the ward number and room number and the diagnosis, and the number of the ward desk which he can ring for more details.

His brother is very caring but is always Flappy McGee in a crisis.

Sometimes I bizarrely hoped for a (mild, temporary) health crisis that would scare him into giving up alcohol.

And now it's too late.

My Dad has heart failure and is in his late 60s. The doctors have told him that he can lead a relatively normal life and prescribed warfarin and beta blockers. He is a bit more sedate than he was before his diagnosis but similar to your husband was having difficulties with walking and breathlessness. Heart failure can be a general term and I suggest checking with the doctors what the long term prognosis is as this term can be misleading as it captures a range of heart abnormalities and in my dads case it covers atrial fibrillation.

Thanks for sharing, and I'm very sorry about your dad, though glad to hear he's managing the condition.

The doctors have said that they will get a better view over the next few days and then talk about plans going forward.

I am trying not to get too enmeshed in the medical details, too be honest. I am torn. I love this person and at the same time I am absolutely not his carer.

I don't think his brother Sir Flaps-a-Lot will step in as carer.

Where does that leave him!? Adult social care?

I found this to be useful as well as the British heart foundation website

www.nhs.uk/conditions/heart-failure/

Thanks Waytooearly - my dad lives on his own though I do help with things like shopping and cleaning but apart from that his life is pretty good, although he is retired from a manual job which if he was any younger when this occurred he would have had to stop.

Is ExH aware that you won't be moving in to be his carer? Has he told the hospital that? That should trigger them to involve adult SS.

It's Ok to feel anyway that you need to OP.
Help as much or as little as you feel is appropriate and do not get drawn in to the drama if you don't want to be: equally don't torture yourself later whatever happens.
My ex drank himself to death 10 years after we'd separated. I inherited his elderly parents as they have no-one else, and a string of property in my children's name that I now have to deal with.
I grieve him and am furious with him every damn day, in spite of the fact that I am happily remarried and he was with another partner for most of that 10 years. Grief is a weird thing. Be kind to yourself OP.

You are not obliged to be his carer. My estranged H died of sudden heart failure after moving out. He was also an alcoholic. I recognise the shock and numbness. But you owe him nothing. His choices, his consequences. Be open about what you will and will not do and why. Put yourself first. He is not your problem.

Agree.. He is not your problem. Step away before you are drawn into any care plans. If you're still his next of kin, then you need to hand that role over to his family of origin.

So sorry you are experiencing this.

Step away as soon as you can. Use any excuse, work, you have a cold...whatever ...to enable you to do so and give some distance otherwise you risk finding it harder and harder to not be included in forward planning.

This is not your responsibility

My husband died from alcoholism. We were totally estranged but still living in the same house when he was finally admitted to hospital and died. I have no idea what would have happened if he had survived - I honestly didn’t have it in me to carry on living with him but there was nowhere else.

OP, please stick to your guns and don’t get drawn in. You’ve already separated. If he doesn’t make it, yes the grief process will be complex, but none of this is your doing and it sounds like you gave him a huge amount of support in previous years.

I think the term "heart failure" covers a broad range of things and sounds ( or can sound) worse than it is.
I have heart failure.... mines caused by the effects of chemotherapy from 20 years ago, and I now have a pacemaker, I'm 48.
My husband also has heart failure, he has cardiomyopathy and atrial fibrillation.
We both lead relatively normal lives with medication.
So although the term sounds like a death sentence ( heart failure- means your hearts failing, right?!) it doesn't necessarily mean that.
So best bet is to wait and see what the tests say, no doubt echo, ecg, bloods etc.
What I'm saying is, don't feel like you have to give more than you can just because of the diagnosis....this is his doing.

Thanks guys, it helps a lot to get it out there.

I went to the gym last night and I have to work today. So have a break from the hospital.

Other friends are visiting him today.

One friend is trying to dictate when everyone will visit, making a rota, everyone else is ignoring her.

His brother Flappums McUseless keeps texting me asking when he should visit. I'm ignoring it now. Hey if he dithers long enough he might be off the hook.

Would it help if you texted him and said he needs to decide when is best to visit and it really isn't your business? Draw the line in the sand early on.

Sorry you’re going through this, you sound lovely.

You need to take a step back and set your boundaries before you get sucked in to caring for him.

Text sir flapsalot and tell him to arrange with his brother as you’re not involved.

Be very clear with the hospital that he lives alone and there needs to be measures in place when he’s discharged.

Heart failure is a very broad term and covers a multitude of things. I am in heart failure due to various reasons and will be having surgery in the next few months to rectify some issues.

If he’s an alcoholic then it goes without saying that steps need to be taken to manage his drinking, however heart failure doesn’t necessarily mean he needs a carer. I don’t have one and although my mobility is somewhat impaired at the moment I do live a relatively normal life albeit on a shit-load of medication. It also doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s dying although the term itself is bloody scary the first time you hear it.

Do you have children and if so how old are they?

Sorry for this situation you are in op. Please give flappums the ward number and suggest he liaise with either the ward or your bossy friend who wanted to set up a rota.