I don't want to see my mother at Christmas

[Skiddaddleeeeo]

My ex and I separated 3 years ago. Mother and I never had a decent relationship, however, she didn't support me or my choices and has continued to have a relationship with my ex and his new wife.
Long story short I check in on the phone now and then and don't see her. She's never come to my new home. My kids want to go see her on Xmas day. I've tried this before (last year) and spent an hour listening to her talk about my ex and his wife. She has no interest in me. Aibu to drop the kids off for a visit at her on the day? I'm stressed about it already and want to just make up my mind. Any advice welcome

No. You don't have to facilitate your kids having a relationship with someone who doesn't respect their mother.

How old are your kids?

How old are your children?. Children are quite indiscriminate with their love and do not realise that their relatives are not the nice people they think they are. Do they want to see her on the 25th mainly and simply because their friends are doing this?. They are relying upon your continued good judgment here and they as well need to stay away from your mother.

If she is too toxic/batshit/difficult for you to deal with its the same deal for your kids too. What rubbish could she fill their heads with too when you are not present?. Honestly none of you should have anything to do with her. People like your mother who was not a good parent to you when you were growing up more often than not become rubbish grandparent figures also. It is telling that your awful sounding mother sided with your ex over you; it seems that the two of them are from the same rotten mould and she saw a kindred spirit in him.

I would certainly not visit her house with your kids but instead arrange a treat (say a trip to a pantomime) in the following days. You do not mention your dad; is he in your life at all now?.

I would further cut down further the number of phone calls made to her.

Thanks for responding and getting the thing so spot on without hearing a fraction of the detail!

Absolute no to this.

Your mother is toxic and so you do not, under any circumstances, leave your children alone with her. Also, you are the parent and you decide what's in their interest, not your children.

This fits here so well...

I wouldn't bother at all. She made her choice. Will your ex and his new wife be visiting her for Christmas? hey, maybe it was a bad choice. Who could have predicted that?

Tell your children that unfortunately your mother isn't good at christmas time so you won't be visiting. Then ignore your mother until you feel like arranging a visit. If that is never, I would support you. I am very angry on your behalf.

Depending on how old your children are, I'd tell the truth that you are not getting on with their Grandma, but they are welcome to visit without you being there.

I have no contact with my mother, but my DC are older, one an adult and one a teen. I've been honest to them about the relationship and told them it shouldn't affect them being in contact. As it is, my mother (a narcissist) decided to cut my children off as they didn't contact her enough! My aunts and uncles (siblings to my mother) are supportive of me and know what my mother is like, so it does help that other family members have experienced the same.

At this time of the year it is very hard for many of us with toxic parents. You have to do what is best for you.

Please don't leave your dc with her!! Oh my days they need protecting from her imo.