Vulnerable DM is being taken advantage of

[Everlastingwhinge]

My DM with a learning difficulty is approaching her mid 60's and has taken on the role of an unpaid carer for her same aged sister with mental health problems.

She is schizophrenic but high functioning and an intelligent person in general, unless you saw her in relapse you'd never know she's unwell.

DM does everything for her. Housework, changing her cats litter tray, making tea, shopping, keeping her company every day and being a general lacky even when sister is perfectly stable which she is the majority of the time.

Her sister is perfectly capable of doing the things that DM does and managed perfectly well for 20+ years until DM lived closer. Taking the mental health out of the equation, she is a lazy person in general but simply gets on with it when nobody else is about to do things for her.

She has a support network in the mental health community, a brilliant CPN and support workers she sees regularly. Group breakfast mornings with friends etc. She doesn't need to lean on DM to this extent.

Myself, dbro and the grandchildren barely see DM because she's always tied up doing things for her sister and when we do see her, her phone never stops ringing, from the sister asking where she is, how long she'll be and when she's leaving etc.

I invited DM round for dinner last night, low and behold she had to rush off before long because the sister had called twice already.

I'm frustrated, angry and think it is all too much for DM who has been prescribed antidepressants. Her relationship with her children is suffering and she has zero time for herself. Me and dbro have raised our concerns and DM does acknowledge it but can't seem to say no or put herself first which I believe is partly due to her learning disability and not realising she's being taken advantage of.

She's vulnerable and I'm genuinely concerned about the impact the strain is going to have on her health.

What can I do?

I would be having a word with your aunt outright. It sounds exactly as you think and you cant let it continue.

Yes, talk to your aunt. I think this is probably very complex and rooted in early family dynamics between the sisters that you probably don't know much about, but if your DM cannot stand up to her sister and is vulnerable she needs you to advocate for her. It does sound as though her sis is taking her far too much for granted. When you say they're the same age, do you mean they're twins or just very close in age? Is your aunt older?

The aunt is 18 months younger than my DM, so whilst not exactly the same age very close.

The ironic thing is that when they were younger is was DM who needed looking out for, often reiterated by my grandparents who were well aware of DM's difficulties. DM was the one who needed extra help in life and now my grandparents have passed and aren't here to see what's going on, she's being taken advantage of.

I agree I should confront my aunt but she uses her mental health as an excuse and is brilliant at turning the situation around onto others if they try to address anything about her own behaviour.

Me and dbro sat mum down and told her we were concerned, she automatically said she wasn't going round there anymore and she wanted her own space, then she was back round there the next day.

Does your mum have anything else to do?

Does your mum have a social worker or anything like that?

She doesn't have any hobbies anymore and left employment a few years ago, however she is somebody who likes her own space and I get the impression she doesn't feel able to have any

@Dirtybadger nope she doesn't have a social worker, she had a nice little life and pottered along just fine before her sister started leaning on her

This must be very worrying. You’re not going to solve it overnight, OP. Are you free to spend time with your mum so that you’re around when her sis calls on her? They’re not living together are they?

@onalongsabbatical absolutely, I have all the time in the world for DM.

No they're not living together but might as well be, mum spends several nights a week staying over at her sisters at her sisters request.

I broached the subject last night with mum when her phone kept ringing, she said she's going to spend this Saturday and Sunday at her place on her own to relax, but that to me is sad because she's basically allocating the rest of the week to run around after her sister.

That's good that you can spend time there. How would your DM feel about you answering the phone? Seems to me that what your mum needs is an assertive buffer between her and her sis, and that the more persistent you are the more sis will get the message.
So you could pick the phone up and say - mum's busy at the moment. No, she can't come over right now. No, she's resting, so I'm taking her calls. Etc. Does that sound at all feasible?

she said she's going to spend this Saturday and Sunday at her place on her own to relax

Except on past experience she almost certainly won't, will she? Or if she tries, her DSis will probably ramp up the demands even more

Hard though it is, I agree with the PP that you need to speak to DSis directly. Yes she'll no doubt try to turn it around, but hopefully if you can stay calm and refuse to be deflected you just might be able to get the point across

Failing that, could you break the hold by having DM will you a bit more for a while, involved in things that she really won't be able to drop to go rushing off when a call comes?