I’m writing this as I’ve hit rock bottom, I’ve been here so many times before.
My partner drives me crazy, I actually feel like I’ve lost my mind. I’m not me, I feel like I live to please. It’s trauma abuse in its most classic form. He has so many different personalities I’m so tired.
I live alone with our daughter as I cannot live with him. He has just started a new job, he explained he will need to stay here 4 nights a week to be able to get to work, we had a big argument about this as I said no. He keeps reminding me of how I used to be when I lived with him at his mothers, how he stood by me, how difficult I was, how he was about to break up with me until we found out I was pregnant. So I owe him basically. He’s constantly asking for things, to use my car, if he can pop to the shop with my card, I’m constantly buying him food, he asked to borrow £10 yesterday I know it’s not much but it’s the principle. I feel like this relationship is all about him, and my day is about making him happy. If I dare ever say no to anything, we argue.
He will grit his teeth, go all red, and start shouting. He will argue and taunt me until I give in, and I always do because it’s easier. Some nights he won’t let me sleep because we need to ‘talk’. He’s always reminding me of me, how I am, how I was, my behaviour, and he says he reacts badly to me. I get so frustrated to the point I can’t even cry anymore, I don’t know who to reach out to, it makes me feel numb. He’s Jekyll and Hyde, he can have a go at me, call me a cunt, vile, etc. I’ll leave the room, go back in and he will be a different person again, and want a hug and a kiss and to make up, I’m expected to comply. He does nothing for me, he’s never bought me a birthday or Christmas present or even a birthday card. He said he doesn’t see the need to pay child maintenance if he buys our daughter things on weekends and buys food a couple nights a week. He helps himself to everything, my tobacco, my car, then tells me there’s no petrol in it so I need to tank up. I bought meals for myself this week, but because he’s here I have to spend more money on more food I can’t afford. If I dare complain about any of this, I’m reminded of how he let me live with him at his mothers and how he stood by me. I remember it differently. He warps the past, he explains events in the wrong order, or explains things that didn’t happen quite like that, things I’ve done and said. If something happens and I’m in tears, the next day I’m still upset, he will say ‘what happened last night? Why are you still upset?’ ‘We’re fine now’ ‘you need to try a bit more’
What about my needs, my wants, my desires? If I try and break up with him its not even worth it as he makes life a living hell for me. I said I didn’t want him staying on Sunday as he’s been so vile to me, the next thing I know he’s suggesting we move on and see other people?!? I’m not coping, don’t feel strong enough to do anything, some days he gets me so low I can’t even look after our daughter. I’ve given up, and feel like I exist to please him, I dread him coming here after work, he’s not even supposed to be staying and I’ve told him that but he assures me it’s fine, he just won’t leave when asked. Or if I do ask it’s not worth the argument.
I’m not sleeping, I’m not eating, I’m smoking to excess, I’ve lost so much weight, some days I don’t even clean my teeth or brush my hair.
Please, any advice would be so good to hear, but the whole ‘what are you doing please leave him’ isn’t what I need to hear right now as I already know this.