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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

does he drink too much?

11 replies

unicorntearsx · 18/12/2018 21:43

my boyfriend and i have been together for 2 years, we live together and have no children... since i met him i knew he liked a drink. after a while we started arguing a lot and it always seemed to be when he had had a drink, because he becomes argumentive. when he's sobar he's a great boyfriend and very loyal, we rarely argue when we are sobar and he's not argumentitive at all its only when he's had a drink. he works 4 days on and 4 days off... so on the 4 days he is working he will only have a few cans that night, but when he's off i am regularly coming home to him drunk which i hate! i work till 12am i dont want to come home to this! like i said its only once twice a week he gets really drunk, but its causing so many problems. he never calls me names when he's drunk and he's never violent but he sometimes becomes like a stranger because he acts so different to how he is sobar!! he does have a pretty stressful job so he says drink is sometimes very needed, am i over-reacting to this problem? he's perfect in every other way but when he's drunk i feel like i have to walk on egg shells in case he starts been argumentitive over stupid stuff what he never would sobar!! is it controlling to ask him to chose between me and drink... or does he not have a serious problem? he never goes out drinking he only drinks at home while he's playing ps4 etc wen im at work. when its my day off he only has a few drinks.

OP posts:
BoneyBackJefferson · 18/12/2018 21:48

is it controlling to ask him to chose between me and drink

No it isn't, but you have to be serious about it and follow through with your consequences.

or does he not have a serious problem

Unfortunately even if he does have a serious problem it could take an absolute age for him to recognise this.

Dirtybadger · 18/12/2018 21:49

He drinks "a few" every night. Sounds like he has a problem to me. Drinking is a problem if it's affecting his personal relationships and he is using it to cope with every day life stress. Not healthy physically or psychologically.

Get out now before it gets worse and while you have limited commitments....

bigchris · 18/12/2018 21:50

Sounds like alcoholism Sad

RyderWhiteSwan · 18/12/2018 21:54

His primary relationship is with alcohol. He is prioritising drink over you.

unicorntearsx · 18/12/2018 21:54

he has a couple of times stopped drinking if we are short of money etc, he never prioritizes drink. he went weeks without drinking before n it never seemed to bother him, it wernt my idea for him to stop drinking either.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 18/12/2018 22:00

so on the 4 days he is working he will only have a few cans that night

but when he's off i am regularly coming home to him drunk which i hate!

its only once twice a week he gets really drunk,

Just read this back, and ask yourself what you would think if a friend of yours told you this about her partner.

Of course he has a problem.
It is not normal to need "a few cans" every night.
It is definitely not normal to get drunk on a regular basis, let alone EVERY week Hmm

He has a real problem.
My advice would be for you to get out now before your lives become too entangled.

AdaColeman · 18/12/2018 22:15

The fact that the amount he drinks is worrying and upsetting you, and that you change your own behaviour to accommodate his drunken behaviour, is enough to say that he does have a drink problem.

He probably doesn't see it as a problem, because by being careful and cautious around him, you are enabling him to carry on drinking at that level.

His drinking will get worse over time, perhaps a lot worse. You already argue when he is drunk, what would you do if he started to beat you "because you made him angry"?

It's a frightening thought isn't it?

You haven't been together very long, you have no children yet. Get out now while you still can. Lots of luck unicorn. Thanks

Graphista · 18/12/2018 23:02

RUN!

Drinking too much, aggressive when drunk, and this is BEFORE he has any real stress like the sleepless nights of parenthood or serious money worries...

Get out now!

I say this as someone related to several alcoholics and who grew up in ah alcoholic household.

It should not be anywhere near this bad this early on in any relationship. Go and read the threads by mners married to and who've got kids with drunks and see how miserable and stressed their lives are.

TougheningUp · 19/12/2018 08:48

he does have a pretty stressful job so he says drink is sometimes very needed

When people start to "need" a drink to get over stress then they are starting to have a drink problem.

If his drinking is causing problems in his relationships (and it is, he's arguing with you) then it's a problem.

You can't make him stop drinking. All you can do is tell him you aren't going to live with someone with a drink problem. If he then carries on drinking you either have to leave, or know that from then on he will not respect any of your boundaries.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 19/12/2018 08:54

His primary relationship is with drink really; it is not with you.

Did you yourself grow up seeing similar at home?. What are you getting out of this relationship now?. Are you codependent in relationships, I ask as with dysfunctional relationships of this type there is often a codependent partner.

Would not waste any more of your precious years on him because this will only get worse for you. Indeed you cannot make him stop drinking and he has really made his choice here already - alcohol. That is his number 1 priority and his thoughts I daresay centre on where the next drink is going to come from.

Lozzerbmc · 19/12/2018 23:19

This will only get worse sadly. Its not ok to drink this much. Its not ok to have to walk on eggshells when hes had a drink. I have two friends who have ended relationships through husbands with drink problems after years of trying to help them overcome it. Do yourself a favour and break free from this man otherwise you are putting your safety and future happiness in jeopardy. (One of the friends is coming out the other side and shes never looked better!)

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