I’ve never dated

[NameChangeToAvoidBeingFound]

I’m almost 24, a mature uni student and church goer and I’ve never had a relationship. My friends tell me that I’m kind, loving and easy to get along with, I’m very aware off who I am as a person plus my faults and positives. I’m social and meet a loa dog different people and despite being told I’d be a good wife/long term partner no one seems to want to date me. I dress well and take care of myself and as far as I’m aware I don’t do anything to alienate others. My best friend thinks it’s because I’m so strong willed and single minded and that no one sees me vulnerable, which means that the guy can’t swoop in to fix everything, but I find that notion ridiculous. I am perfectly capable of working through my own issues and fixing my own mistakes and messes.

Oh and so as not to drip feed, I am autistic and there is a 50/50 chance that one of my best friends is into me but hasn’t made a move because he’s awkward. Our friends are adamant about it but I’m not convinced and I’m not going to stress myself out or ruin a friendship about something that I’m not confident is true.

Do you want a relationship? I would ignore your silly friend's comments about vulnerability. For every man who likes a fainting blossom, theres a man who prefers a strong independent-minded woman.

Do you ever meet men? At work, or through friends? Would you consider OLD?

If I met the right person I’d love a relationship. I’ve completely ignored her comment on vulnerability. I’m vulnerable when I’m vulnerable and not when I’m not, if I have to pretend or act like something I’m not then I’m not interested.

I don’t work as I’m a full time student but I meet guys at uni, church, societies, volunteering and just out and about doing my hobbies and I’ve made a lot of good friends.

Guys just don’t seem to be interested in me in that way, and my friend thinks it’s because I appear to not need anyone but needing and wanting are very different things.

I’m not sure about online dating. I’ve had several job offers from companies that discourage an online presence or anything that can be tracked or used to share personal information. Plus I think I can be naive and I’m not sure that the guys that use those sites would have a similar view on what dating should look like. I don’t believe in sex before marriage and I won’t compromise on my faith, which can limit the dating pool somewhat.

In your position, I'd just get some online dating 'practise' in with men who may not be right long term, but who you could go to the cinema with or do a fun activity with (sporty, crafty, musical etc depending on your interests.) That would give you some experience of moving from small talk to getting to know people, navigating whether you find each other attractive and so on. Even if you both walk away after just one date, you can still have fun learning the art of fliriting and dating.

If you like your male friend ask him out - why not?

There are Christian dating websites. Have you looked at those?

I think if you don't want sex before marriage, you need to be realistic that this will limit the pool of guys that would be interested in being anything other than friends unless they share the same beliefs as you.

Good for you in sticking to your religious beliefs but it is restricting and all I would say there is a lot to be discovered and enjoyed from a loving sexual relationship outside of marriage. This doesn't mean you have to jump into bed within the first month

Does your male friend know and share your views & moral position? If he does, why not just ask him for a coffee, or to go and see a film, and see how things go?

I also second the suggestion of trying the Christian dating sites (assuming you are Christian - if not, there are dating sites for EVERY faith).

@OneStepMoreFun, the main concern I have with online dating is having an online ‘presence’, I’m only able to have Facebook with limited pictures and posts and security settings so tight you can’t be found unless you want to be.

The problem with asking him out is that we have a fantastic relationship, we laugh we joke we tease each other, we bicker like children and play fight but we’re very supportive of each other (we’re working for similar companies but in very different ways) but we’re also both the ‘emotionally distant’ and independent types, we message each other maybe 3/4 times a month but it’s all very general chat or teasing. I’d also like to add that he’s also just turning 21 so at a different stage in life than I am right now and that he’s also most likely boarderline autistic (Autistic father and sister) and very awkward himself. As far as I’m aware he’s only dated once when he was 16/17 and then had a lot of confidence issues.

He can also be quite egotistical (he is very intelligent and he knows it), unfortunately for our friends I’m also intelligent and know it so we butt heads because neither will give (not in a bad way and we find it amusing and will argue the toss because we can and pick at each other). Most people assume we’re dating and those that don’t have rather crudely states “fuck and get it over with” because we’re very comfortable around each other and on the same wavelength. And I really don’t want to ruin that when I can’t tell how he feels one way or another. There are a lot of mixed signals so I’d rather leave things as they are and maintain our friendship than potentially ruining it by misreading him or by dating and having it end badly. I’ve no desire to hurt him or myself. I don’t think that the timing would be right for dating him, because there might only be a three year age gap but I think at the moment we’re at different stages of our lives and what we want our of it, otherwise I would.

You dont have to have FB or any similar social media to be on dating sites.

OP, you do sound compatible with him. I'm not sure you'd necessarily ruin it. You could even ask him as a mate to go on a 'date' with you as you have never been on one and don't want it to become an issue. Or maybe you could just be direct with him and say, 'We get on so well, people keep thinking we are dating. What do you think of that?' Or when you are joking around, if someone makes a comment, you could say to him afterwards, 'I really enjoy our friendship, and I'd never want to jeopardise it, but if you ever asked me out, I'd probably say yes.'

Just check his reaction. If he lacks confidence, he may need some encouragement. And bear in mind, neurotypical people feel exactly the same way - nervous of spoiling friendship, lacking in confidence etc if they are single for a long time when they'd prefer not to be. Dating is tricky for everyone until they are with the right person.

I think the main issue with the idea of dating him is that I can’t consistently see any interest from him.

Sometimes it is alarmingly clear he’d like to persue a relationship and other times it’s very clear we’re just very good friends. Things like the fact that he is a complete and utter workaholic, currently living and working at the opposite end of the country (placement year) with 26 days of leave that he doesn’t want to use (he’ll get paid overtime and it’ll look good on his academic record) and he’s adamant that he wants to take some time off work when I’m home for uni and come to visit me at my family home and meet the rest of my family (he’s already met my mam) and that he wants them to like him, and he’s not the type of person to take time off or visit anyone. And the fact that he wants to meet my family AFTER I’ve told him that they will take the mick out of him the entire time he’s here because he’s very middle class, he’s clever and because I’ve never introduced any of my friends to my family.

I’ve sort of decided that I’m not going to engage with it until I know where I stand and what he wants. It’s not worth me worrying over or overthinking his every actio. Especially when we’ve got a good relationship.

A couple of friends and I are visiting him for his birthday this week and I’ll see what happens there. He was hinting at wanting to come visit at NYE so if he mentions it I’ll ask him but if not, I’ll leave it and take it that he’s not interested.

And as it stands if someone else asked me I wouldn’t say no on the basis of my friend.

Ok, so if you're not aiming for a relationship with him (although you've written an AWFUL lot about someone who is just a friend!), how else are you going to try and meet someone?

Are there many social groups in your church? What about potential men?

😂 @funnylittlefloozie, I value his friendship just as much as I’d value a relationship. In my mind one isn’t better than the other, they’re just different.

I’m going on the 18-30s weekend away with the church in February and I’m going and engaging more in different church events and I’ve met a guy there who seems to make an effort to come say hi and chat whenever he sees me but I don’t really know him but he has mentioned meeting up when I’m back in my uni city, which could be fun. He’s head of the media and promotions and studied film at uni and I’m an avid photographer and when I was volunteering at a Christian summer event (New Wine United) he and a lot of other people from my church at uni were also volunteering and he spent quite awhile teaching me how to use my new camera during one of his few breaks.