Having a nightmare with my mum

[woodpops]

I work 3 days a week. Ds and dd go to nursery 2½ days a week and my mum has them both for 1 afternoon for approx 4 hours. Each week she is ringing me up at work to moan if I've not left clothes out, not left nappies or wipe out etc, etc. Bear in mind the kids clothes are washed and ironed and hanging in the wardrobe, nappies and wipes are kept in a box on the shelf in the cuboard next to the changing station. She has today been bitching to my brother that my house is a state and how I'd not put bleach down the toilet today blah, blah, blah. My house is not a mess. Dh picked dd new bed up today and has just left it in the hall so that counts as a mess!!!!! I keep saying I'll put the kids in nuresery all day but then she goes off on one that she likes spending time with her grandkids. What can I do?? I can't cope with getting all this grief EVERY week at work. Plus I have to be careful what I say as my g'ma is very ill in hospital at the minute!!!!

can you afford nursery? that would be my preferred option and just have her on standby for illnesses etc. not worth the hassle

Could you put the children in nursery in the week, then let her visit at weekends?

Yeah, we could afford nursery. Just had a huge reduction in fees as ds has turned 3 and won't be taking his state nursery place!!!!!

sounds like she's making you miserable, what does your dh think?

I won't print what dh thinks. Use your imagination. You won't be far off the mark!!!!!

i take it the grandma is on your mum's side? you could use that as an excuse: taking the pressure off her that you know she's under atm..

Right again bundle, the kids are in nursery for the next 2 Wednesdays. Can't wait, 2 peaceful weeks. I've not got the energy for this anymore.

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Woodpops, why don't you put the children and every possible combination of clothes, wipes, bits and bobs and accessories in the car and take them round to her house one week? Just to make a point, I understand it would be hard to keep that up. See how she likes having them in her own home (which she obviously thinks is far superior to yours). Sorry if that sounds extreme, but I ahve a v low tolerance level when it comes to family criticising our parenting skills.

Bibiboo, I've tried doing this at my house, Left out 2 outfits each for ds and dd, new pants for ds, nappies and wipe on the changing mat in dd bedroom, clean socks, several pairs of shoes to choose from. Made the kids tea-time sandwiches up, plated them and were cling wrapped in the fridge along with youg and fruit for pud. Left high chair up, a small packet of sweets for each of the kids and she was still on the phone because she didn't like the clothes I left out for the kids. Apparent;y I dress them in too much designer, trendy stuff. Can't win!!!!

IMO completely unacceptable to phone you at work to moan that she doesn't like your children's clothes. Is your mum generally so disapproving/controlling in other areas of your life. Would agree with Twiglett - it isn't really worth the hassle.

She never likes anything i wear. Is always quick enough to tell me she doesn't like this or that but never tells me a I look nice. I've given up now though, just let it go in one ear and out of the other! Too many years crying over how cr@p I look. It always used to hurt when she commented on how nice people looked or how pretty other girls are. Just accept it now. I suppose all of this is partly to blame for my constant battle with weight!!!!!

I think she sounds poisonous. Is she giving your children this crap too? I'd tend to go for the nursery option too if the children like it there. Mind you, I'd tell her where to get off if she started calling me to moan like that.

Aloha - suspect tho that Woodpop's mum would be the adult equivalent of the "cant you take a joke type" merchants - i.e. that it will all be turned round to be her fault. Like Aloha, I would be a bit concerned that your mum is going to be a bad influence on your kids if she comes out with that sort of stuff to them, so definitely better to put your kids in nursery. By the sound of things, nothing you do will ever be good enough for her - so there's no point trying to please her - do what makes YOU feel happier

She doesn't say anything to the kids and doubt she ever will. When she says this stuff to me no one tends to be around so they don't believe me. DH has never seen this side of her and took a while to believe me. I lost it with her last week when she commented on something I was wearing. I snapped back can you ever say anything nice to me at that point she said that I'd looked nice the previous day in a new jumper I'd brought at the weekend. Well is that was the case why didn't she tell me when I was wearing the flaming jumper!!!!!

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Woodpops, you sound like you have a similar problem to me. My mum likes to control my whole life and like you I made the mistake of leaving dd1 with her full time. She never took her to any social groups at all so when eventually I enrolled her with a nursery for 3 mornings a week she told me I was a bad mother and that I was abandoning my child etc etc and that she was disgusted with me. She's different to your mum in many ways but at the route of it there is a control issue. I'm certain that she views my kids (I have two dds) as hers and that I'm merely in the way. My mum is currently attempting to get her way through a mixture of telling me that she's going to die soon and stroppy emails sent to my work. I've changed my number at work and not given it to her. I can see you don't have that luxury as you need to be contactable. I really feel for you, its horrible I know.

I'm gradually getting through it by leaning heavily on my dh and standing firm. During the fights it feels like hell. I've been raised to obey my mother's every command and going against her feels very wrong in so many ways. However her care of my dd1 was awful so when I returned to work after having dd2 we hired a fabulous Nanny. My dm hates her of course so I'm bombared sometimes daily by mails and voicemails either begging, crying or hateful. But I can't continue as it was so I feel that I must go through this and find a better way. You're very welcome to email me anytime you want.

If you can find it in you to stand strong then although the fights are nasty you will feel inside that what you are doing is right and you will feel better.

Ps - have weight issues as well that get worse when upset - can demolish cake so fast that I don't realise I've eaten it.

She was never like that when I was a child, I suppos eit all changed when I got older. Didn't depend on her so much, got my own life. Maybe she's jelous of my life. That's a wierd thought. Who'd be jelous of my life?? Ds and dd are being brought up that it's ok to show your emotions and they often run to me, kiss me and tell me they love me (it's the best feeling in the world) I can't ever remeber doing that with my mum and dad, they weren't cuddly people IYKWIM. Wills I really know what you mean about going against your mum. It feels so wrong doesn't it??? Also like you I can demolish a cake that quickly I don't even taste it!!!!!

I've wondered sometimes if she's jealous. I even tackled her on it once. Of course she denied it. I suspect that it my case she's not jealous, I thinks its far more complicated than that.

Like they say Wills, you can pick your friends but not your family!!! Keep your chin up. And just hope we don't turn into our mothers. Now that is a frightening thought!!!!!

An awful thought and one that I seriously worry about