DH taking drugs and hiding it

[sissy10]

Hi
I have been with my partner for 8 years, when we first got together he smoked a lot of weed with his friends which caused significant problems in the relationship. He promised he would stop but time and time again I would catch him out and he would admit to lying about it.
He has since moved across the country and we have now bought a house, he no longer see those friends as often, and when he moved he promised me he would never touch a drug again.
I have just found out he has been recreationally taking cocaine when he is back home with his old friends and hiding this from me.
I am completely against drug taking of any kind and he knows how much this would upset and hurt me.
He promised me he would never do it again but I have found this out and have not yet confronted him about it.

I am worried it sounds like I am trying to control him, I am not I just don't want to be with anyone who takes drugs.
Am I being unreasonable?
What should I do?

If it's a non-negotiable for you then I would leave.

Whenever he's with these friends he will take drugs and because you hate it, he will lie to you and as long as he has these friends it will be the same.

You can
a) accept his choice to do drugs with these friends
b) leave
c) you make him make a choice between you and these friends and he will choose his friends (in the end because even if he says he chooses you and really means it, he will end up lying to you, still see them, and take drugs)

As above, you are definitely not being unreasonable to expect your partner not to use Class A drugs behind your back fgs; it's illegal and the production and use of it is disgusting; I don't care if it's an epidemic, I'd not be with a man that indulged in it.

Why would he give up?
He's had no consequences so he has no reason to.
You keep saying it's a deal breaker.
He does drugs. He lies. You find out.
Throw a strop but carry on!

You know what to do now.
This guy is a drug addict.
End it!

What you want is not unreasonable. But, even though you are against it, you continued to be in a relationship with someone who again and again proved not only to be taking it, but lying to you.

He is going to continue to take drugs. You have to decide how much or how long you are willing to put up with it.

Cocaine is a horrific drug, and it doesn’t take long to take hold by way of addiction.

He knows your feelings on drugs, and chooses to take them anyway which shows a distinct lack of respect for your feelings. It would be a deal breaker for me, because I’ve seen what happens when recreational drug use becomes something even worse.

Why are you with him at all?. What are you getting out of this relationship?. Are you trying to rescue and or save him here because if so then you are wasting your time on him. He does not want your help or support.

If you really do not want to be with someone who takes drugs (and you have been to date) then you need to be in a relationship with a non addict. He has simply to date told you what you wanted to hear and he will and has continued to use. Addicts lie to everyone and their own selves.

His primary relationship is with drugs; its not with you and it never has been. You did not cause this, you cannot control this and you cannot cure this.

I have broken up with someone over this and would do so again - it’s not worth the stress.

Thank you for your responses, it is easier said than done, i do adore him and we now have the financial commitment of a mortgage.

i do adore him

I’m sure you do, and I didn’t mean to imply that leaving was easy for you. Lumbering yourself with a drug addict will only cause more heartache for you in the future. Do you plan on having kids? Do you want them to have a cokehead for a dad?

Well in that case you’d better make your peace with being with someone who takes drugs - you can give him an ultimatum but what if he breaks it? It sounds like he will and then you’ll have to act on whatever you’ve said you’ll do. Alternatively you accept that he is going to take drugs and stay with him - plenty of people do

Well more reason to give him an ultimatum OP, coke doesn't come cheap esp if you are paying a mortgage; it's easy enough to sell.

Not entirely sure how you adore a man than takes drugs and lies to you; I think you are already convincing yourself it's no big deal; if you can do that then good luck but he won't stop.

Sissy, how did you find out about his cocaine use?

What are you thinking of doing ? What are your options
& can I ask how you found out about the coke.

The mortgage is not unbreakable and is no reason to remain with him either.

You may well adore him (what does this mean, how do you adore him exactly?) but he adores drugs more and that is what his primary relationship is with. I am wondering if you are codependent because with addiction there is more often than not also a codependent partner.

Living with a coke addict inevitably brings emotional and financial pain.
Leave now before he drags you down.

Also, you deserve someone who will treat you with respect and honesty, not a liar who prioritises drugs and getting what he wants. I’m sorry my last comment was so blunt, I realise you’re in a really rough situation and I’m sorry.

I found out my ex husband was taking cocaine. I had no idea but always wondered why he was in his overdraft considering he was a sales manager and earned well. I confronted him - I knew he was going to lie and say I was wrong so I confronted him by saying I knew he was taking cocaine (rather than asking him IF he was). It was hard but I decided to leave him as I didn’t want our son around someone like that, our son was 18 Months old. He’s now 6. I went through a lot to ensure when he had our son he was safe as I knew I couldn’t trust him. It’s not easy when you have a mortgage, we had moved into a house only a few weeks before, I stayed in the house until his father bought me out. Stay strong and put yourself first. Drugs cause debt because the habit takes over and they’ll spend every last penny on it.

if being with someone that doesnt take drugs is really important to you, then I think this one is not your man.

I'm in your situation but further down the line with a child. He promised he would give it up when we had our ds. Did he give it up? No he just thought he could hide it from me, unfortunately for him I knew the signs to well. I gave him ultimatum after ultimatum and again nothing changed. I'm filling for divorce in January as I found his coke stash in my bathroom were my ds could have found it. Don't be a Muppet like me and fall for the lies, you'll just end up even more upset at yourself.