Oh my, I was advised to read this thread, just had a quick look. I can't believe how many of us have gone through similar things. I spent a huge part of my life just thinking that was how things were. Someone said about their parents ringing on a birthday and getting nasty. This is so true, inviting them anywhere, Christmas, trying to do something nice for them, my graduation, became like pulling teeth. I have spent over 20 years in this 'state', I can't help feeling if I had gone NC years ago, my life would have been so different, I would have been so different. I get hurt so quickly, trust is a problem and I see where this has probably come from. When I had my own daughter, I thought it would change, it did for a while, they then moved. They came to see me 2 or 3 times in 8 years. I used to go and see them 2 or 3 times a year, the visits got shorter and shorter. It made me anxious and upset not fair to my own family. Last year, they decided to move back closer to me but they couldn't deal with it, so I did everything, the viewing, the solicitor, the actually move. We drove down to Cornwall to help and drive them back, my dad still drives but didn't feel confident so we did this, arranged all the utilities, change of address, everything as they said they couldn't deal. 4 months this took and the day after they moved I went to help get sorted and I said a silly comment about them not communicating with each other, my dad got hold of my arm and raised his hand, my mum standing right next to me. I left that day in tears and haven't returned. Neither of them rang to see if I was ok, he has never apologised. I have now written to my mum 3 times, explaining how hurt I was. She actually rang me 3 weeks ago, almost thinking it was funny, he wouldn't have hit you, he thought you were going to hit him! I ask her if she would like to meet up for a coffee, silence. Last week she sent cards with gushing statements, this enraged me. I keep bumping into people who see them, although living 10 miles away, they seem to come most days to their previous home. Apparently they sing my praises, it's a total head f**k. I've sent a Christmas card and letter, in that letter I have written just a few things they have done to me over the years. A complete waste if time, as when I've asked before 'what have i done', 'why are you like it to me?', I've been told not to be silly, there's nothing. The letter was more for me, as I need to tell myself this wasn't just one episode, this has gone on for years. I did 6 sessions of counselling, i chose not to go back to my childhood as i know there were things that were not nice, especially when i was a teenager, when i had a voice, but i also have good memories. I am an only child too, so i don't have anyone to bounce off. However, i recently bumped into my first ever boyfriend who reminded me that my dad had dragged me down the stairs once, i also remember having an Ecycolpedia thrown at me by my mother and hitting my head on the hearth. I have friends that have done things, gone down the wrong path but their parents have always been there. My counsellor said i had not made any unreasonable expectations or demands on my parents. I haven't asked them for anything, all I've wanted is to have good times, fun and laughter, but my dad picks on me all the time, well i feel he does, nothing is ever good enough. When i came back to live near them when i was 30, i used to take my mum out at weekends, she asked me to stop as he didn't like being left on his own. I took it, why was I so silly? This is not normal, but I helped it become normal. Will I ever stop these feelings, they take up so much of my head space and like a lot of you, I am constantly monitoring myself as worried I will become like them to my daughter. Sorry for the ramblings, I'm just so mixed up and here I am nearing 50! Thank you.