How to decide?

[Stuffthinker]

Hello! I (28) have been with my boyfriend (29) for 1.5 years, living together the past few months. I have the feeling he is not the one for me, he is great, but there are so many buts. I have thought about breaking up since we moved in together, cause the relationship is rather draining for me. I keep thinking there is no future. We have talked about some issues as well and there has been imporovement, but I feel like due to these issues I have started to resent him a bit and I am not sure I can get past it. We also lack emotional connection due to these issues, and I do not know how to make that connection anymore and it is even difficult for me to talk to him about it because I feel like he cannot help us with that issue. However, he has so many wonderful characteristics and he is sweet and caring, too. I do like spending time with him, but I would like some deep love and the knowing that he is the one. How do I know I am not making the biggest mistake of my life, breaking up with a very good guy over some issues, which might not be that important (suffocation, which has improved; no emotional connection, which maybe could be developed somehow; his procrastination habits, which drive me crazy, but I could perhaps live with it). I have been alone for years, I was very OK with being alone and I really miss being alone (because currently I have zero alone time at home and I cannot see ways to make such thing happen). But I am also afraid that I have gotten so used to having someone by my side that maybe I cannot cope anymore being alone. Maybe I should try and find the love inside me again that once started to grow for him. How is it possible to decide? It's really 50-50. If I am with him, I get this nagging feeling that this is not right and he is not the one and I see more the bad things. When I think about leaving him, I get this fear and then I see only the good things.

He sounds like he should be your friend and nothing more. You're young and yoibshpildnt settle for someone who males you feel like this, especially after only 1.5 years.

He’s definitely not the one for you reading that! He drains your energy and procrastinates. Can you imagine having children with him?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Think on this, what example did your parents show you?.

Relationships should not be such hard work honestly and this bloke sounds like a needy and manipulative millstone around your neck.

Do not ignore your nagging feelings here that things are not right. If you are being drained and you feel there is no future re you and he then you are most likely than not correct. Your instincts are there for a reason.

No this man is not the one for you at all, not even close. Your boundaries are very poor to accept any of this from him at all. Love your own self for a change OP and work on your innate fears through counselling. Do not settle for this poor relationship and make plans to leave him asap.

Thank you! My biggest fear is that maybe I refuse to love and rather seek and consentrate on the bad things. My parents were divorced when I was 6, I do not remember much my father, but he was away a lot due to work (like half a year away and half home) and so my mom did all, she was basically a single mom. She found a new man, but regrets it very much, because the new man turned out to be no help at all, very negative man and still my mother does everything alone what needs to be done. So I have learned from her that there is nothing I cannot do on my own. I haven't had long relationships - I had one like 10 years ago and since then the relationships were more like dating scenes (5-10 dates tops, they left me or I left them, did not have this attraction or whatever) or some long-lasting crushes to un-attainable persons. I have never gotten to the point where I would be in a serious relationship until this one. But I was okey. There were times I was sad, but at one point I realised that I am happy alone, I can do whatever I want, I was very happy with my life. Then he seemed so nice and caring and sweet and somehow convinced me to keep going out with him (though I had doubts at the beginning too...). He was very suffocating and I guess this is what turned me really down, because I was not used to spending so much time with one person. I communicated this to him etc and it has imporved now, but still I get zero alone time and it just bugs me that he does nothing but work and come home. But yes, I am afraid that maybe I cannot just relax and commit, because I have been alone so long, been happy with being alone and I have my mother as a role model that I do not exactly neeeed a man in my life. But at some point, maybe I want children? I think I do not want to be all alone when I am old. Maybe the other guy has different issues and the third one other issues etc. Or maybe I will stay alone - this did not bother me before, but now I feel like maybe I cannot be alone anymore. Due to him persuating me to spend more time with him, I have emotionally and physically spent less time doing things I enjoy and now I have a feeling that if I break up, I have nothing, because these things won't be able to fulfill me anymore like they used to do. It's so messed up. I have thought about going to university again and study something new, but I feel like I cannot do it with him by my side, because I cannot concentrate on my studies because I would always have to think about him and his needs. But I also think that so what, I won't go to uni then, I'll just have kids with him and concentrate on that. While at the same time I do not feel desire to have kids with him (or at all currently). No desire at all. And yes, with him procrastinating I think it would be so burdensome to be responsible for all these things that must be done when we have kids - but maybe he would change? He has changed somewhat during the time... I'm so messed up inside.

There's nothing wrong with you, you just haven't met the right person yet. Honestly, if it's the right person you won't have to worry about not loving them because you won't be able to help it.

Is it really that simple as Musti said?

I just read an article which basically answers my question I guess. I realised I am in the "settling" situation indeed and it is not right.. although it might be comfortable for me, but it feels wrong to put him in the situation where the one he loves, does not actually love him back. So sad.
The article I read: www.elitedaily.com/dating/difference-comfortable-settling/1843214