Walking on eggshells

[bitchywitch]

Hi All,

My husband and I have been married over 3 years now. A year ago he went through something very traumatic. Since then the man I married is no longer here. He gets angry, screams, shouts, throws and breaks things at the smallest inconvenience. I know he needs help but I have no idea how to get him it. I have tried everything and I am at my wits end. He tells me its my fault and I make him miserable. If I speak up to defend myself, he gets angry and leaves for days and I don't know where he is. I know he loves me and I know this isn't in is character rather he is going through an incredibly difficult time but when do you give up? I am often going to work with 0 sleep, taking days off to find him and get him sober, making up excuses to friends and family and cleaning up his mess. How do I help him?

(we have no children)

wow sounds like you are having a difficult time I’m so sorry to hear that.
Have you tried getting him to a GP? There are many things that could help him there.
The anger is definitely coming from an underlying issue, maybe counselling together if he will not go alone?

You really can't and need to get yourself to safety while he sorts himself out.

I am so sorry to hear you are being dragged through this awful trauma. It sounds like hell on earth for you.

If he was taking responsibility that would be different, but he's not he's blaming you, so you cannot help and you are the problem (to him).

You need to either tell him to leave, or you will, until he has got himself the help.

I know that's so easy to say,but in alchohlic terms I think its called tough love as he will never do this while people,loved ones, hang around d feeling sorry for him.

You need to look out for yourself here, and he's blaming you and you don't want to say what's happened, but you can't help him. Get out quick.

I'm so sorry. You can't help him, you're not trained and he doesn't want help, he just wants to blame you.

Wrt alcohol abuse. They say you can't help them and that's true until he admits his problem and decides he wants to stop.

In the time you are run ragged, miserable, picking up the pieces, ruining your job prospects by becoming unreliable, turning your life over to him completely. Stop.

Make him clear up his own mess, don't go looking for him, honestly the best thing you can do for him is to make him sort himself out. If he won't go to the gp, anger management, counselling, AA, then you are honestly better off stepping away.

You give him a choice. Get help via the GP or move out. You can’t carry on

Please please don't go down the pan with him, as that's the way you are heading right now.

Let go...

If he refuses to get help for himself there is nothing you can do. Don't throw away your own life suffering with this misery.

Trauma causes irritability and rage. He needs to seek Trauma Counselling rather than anything else.

In the meantime, this book might help:

The Body Keeps the Score: Mind, Brain and Body in the Transformation of Trauma https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0141978619/ref=cmswwrcppapiii_W7igCbGJVD8JG

Unless he is actively getting or seeking help I think you are going to have to remove yourself from the situation. He is using you as his emotional punchbag and if you're not very careful he will drag you down with him. You could still offer him support from a distance EG go with him to appointments or talk on the phone, but you need to be out of the situation.

No its not your fault at all and it is totally wrong of him to blame you. Removing yourself entirely from him is your best way forward now because you are simply now being dragged down with him.

Enabling him like you have done has not worked or helped him at all. You are his wife, not his therapist and you cannot act as a rescuer or saviour here. He does not want your help or support.

@bitchywitch is this person definitely who you want to be with? My ex sounds extremely similar, and was like this even when I was pregnant. In the end I was looking after small children whilst still walking on eggshells most of the time. It was such a tough time. We tried counselling but ultimately I had to get myself out of the situation for my own sanity. It was one of the hardest things I'd had to do but actually life is so much calmer and better now I am not in that anxiety filled position anymore. I try and maintain a good position with my ex for the children but ultimately it's up to him to fix himself and he hasn't done that. It sounds like in your case, if he did get better, then you'd leave the door open but I think if he doesn't get help whilst you are with him, you should really get out and save yourself.