Is my boyfriend unsupportive after the death of my dad?

[Porgs65]

So I am 22 and my father passed away unexpectedly, he was my world. My boyfriend the weekend after he passed went out to a rave and didn’t message me to ask me how I was. He never asks me how I feel about losing my dad. Then the day of the funeral he got too drunk at the wake and when we got home fell asleep, leaving me to cry myself to sleep again. 6month death anniversary he booked another rave and when I told him the date he still went...

I have been with him for almost 3 years now and he has great qualities but I feel like I deal with the death of my father alone.

What does anyone else think about this behaviour? And how can I make him care

you can't make anyone care. He's a selfish twat. There is much better out there.

To add, Christmas Eve he made plans with his friends to go to the pub! I wasn’t invited and when I asked if some of the boys girlfriends are going it turns out they are ....

Yeah I think that is amazingly callous behaviour. I am sorry you don’t have more support. People can be really awkward around you when you have had a bereavement which can make you feel really lonely. But this seems worse than that. You deserve compassion and care right now.

You both sound very young and it sounds like this relationship has just run it's course.

You can do better than this insensitive twat.

I had almost the exact same thing my dad passed when I was 19. Boyfriend at the time was so jealous of all the messages coming in on my phone he faked his grandad died and fully cried. I had spoken about his grandad with his mum literally 15 mins before and he was very alive and his mum continued to post many many post of his alive grandad until this year (when he actually died). I got rid of him and honestly best decision I've made. I look back and cringe and feel genuine hatred towards myself for staying. He like your boyfriend went out the night I found out. I was uni and he said he'd stay then his "mum texted him and needed him to move furniture" and he left. Saw him tagged in photos from a night out.

Tbh in the time since I've never met any guy be great about my dad passing.

Dump him now.

If you stay, this is how he will support you through any difficulties.

Sudden unemployment, another death, pregnancies, lack of sleep.

Anytime you need support, you are doing it yourself.

I don’t recommend that as a good prospect for a future life partner.

I would put the "six month anniversary" thing to one side, because I have to say that while that may be something you wish to mark, for the majority of people, it wouldn't occur to them that that is a particular date that they need to "observe" or that their other half would even think about. The first actual anniversary and the first birthday since their passing, yes.

Yes, he should have been more supportive at the time and he shouldn't have got drunk at the wake. Yes, you should be invited to the pub on Xmas Eve. Sad though it is to use this "excuse" but he's 22. While there are guys of 22 who are more empathetic and mature, a great number of them aren't. While he MAY be like this all his life, there's an equally good chance he would behave totally differently in ten years' time.

That doesn't mean you should put up with it though.

I wouldn't want to be with him but when I read the 6 month anniversary thing I did laugh a bit :( sorry but 6 month anniversary... no such thing, 1 year fair enough but 6 months is a bit silly.

That being said he sounds like a douche and if he isn't inviting you out with his friends then he obviously either isn't interested in the relationship anymore or he finds you boring orrrr he likes flirting with other girls.

This was exactly the same situation I was in at 21, was with a guy for 4 years. He was emotionally redundant, selfish and generally didn't give a shit. Breaking up with him was the best thing I ever did.

You can do better than this. He may only be young but it's not really an excuse to not give a shit about your dad passing away. Move on.

Sorry about your dad

Pop him in the bin!

Listen to that gut of yours and treat yourself to a worry free mind. He really doesn’t sound like he’s worth the work, yes you may have outlined only his worst behaviour but it seems to outweigh his best.

Dealing with death is so hard and people handle it differently. Was he close to your dad? He seems to be shutting you out instead of picking you up.

You deserve to feel loved, wanted, listened to at the time you need him most.

I’m sorry this is happening to you and the loss of your dad, I really hope you’re ok and have others around you.

Sending you the biggest hug❤️

6 month anniversary is not silly. It’s nothing to laugh at. We all deal with things differently and if in these ‘small’ milestones you realise you grow a little stronger.. you keep doing it!

Cruel unnecessary words. Pathetic

@Youmatter I know I didn't choose the same words as Dvg but the point is valid. The OP is free to choose to mark such a date but as it's not "usual" you can't expect others to automatically put something on hold UNLESS you've made it abundantly clear to them in the first place. It would never occur to me to ensure I kept a six-month anniversary clear in my diary of anything slightly frivolous in case a girlfriend was marking it. And I think that would go for you, too, actually.

No of course not and I never implied everyone should get in on it and know but if they are what help OP then so be it. As a personal thing.

I didn’t mean for it to come across that it was something everyone should acknowledge.. sorry if that’s how it translated.

I just found the ‘sorry I’m laughing at you’ so unnecessary. There’s so much of this MN and it’s just uncalled for. Especially given the grief the op must be feeling.

He was a test at your dad's wake(I would have dumped then).
22year olds are not all good at empathy,also while it takes us a long time to come to terms with a death, especially as your dad was relatively young,those around us,not as affected move on.
If he's going out without you that's awhile other thing and perhaps this relationship has run its course.
Soon the memories you have of your dad that make you cry will make you smile instead,it can take a while but that's normal.

Hmm. I wouldn’t instantly say this is shocking and callous behaviour as you are both still so young and I’m assuming this is the first time you’ve both been affected by grief?

My mum died a few years ago and DH wasn’t the best at dealing with it. He’s not an emotional person and had never experienced anything like my grief before so unfortunately I was a learning curve for him. He didn’t always do the things I needed him to do to help me cope in the first few months but what saved us was his ability to listen to how I felt and try and improve his actions. If he had shown no remorse or unwillingness to learn what to do when supporting a grieving person then we would be in a different place now.

Dump him. He is a selfish arsehole.

I’m very sorry about your dad though. My only advice is to be kind to yourself and give yourself as much time as you need to grieve. There is no time limit.

I don’t do death after a horrific experience as a child. I don’t know what to say or to do so I just carry on as normal it might come across as cold or heartless or whatever but if I go down that rabbit hole I’m not going to be of any use to the person grieving anyway. It’s a survival thing.

I’m sorry for your loss OP

I’m a bit at people postering about a 22yo man as if he’s a child who’s behaviour is to be expected.

No one can tell you what to do, but think carefully about your relationship. There’s a reason the marriage vows say “for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health”

You need someone who will love and care for you when you are “worse”, “sick” and “poor”.

Anyone who is only useful in the good times isn’t a good long term bet.

Dump him immediately. You can't teach someone how to be a decent human being. He is just a cunt.

Only you know if he is supporting you emotionally enough for you want and need from a partner, and tbh it sounds like he isn’t. Maybe he is young and doesn’t get it, maybe he is just a selfish twat, but the longer it goes on the more resentment you will feel and that will almost certainly kill the relationship. You need to explain to him how you feel and that it is a deal breaker for you. The 6 month anniversary of your dads death is a big day for you and you needed to tell him that and what you needed from him, don’t expect him to necessarily understand or know. If he continues to ignore after you’ve been clear then it’s a no go for me x

Be glad you saw what he's like with this situation - He'll probably behave similarly with other stressful milestones that you/you both will encounter in the future if you continue your relationship with him. Up to you to decide whether you think it's still worth it or not.

Hi OP, I really empathise with you.

I was in a similar situation in 2009 when I lost my father - he left the wake early to watch football. It took me til the next year to wake up and leave him. It was the best decision I'd ever made, and I'm now married with a daughter to a wonderful man who texted me from work on the 1 year anniversary of my father's death to tell me he was thinking of me and if there was anything I needed, he do it and that he'd see me after work. He was and is wonderfully supportive. This is the type of person you should be with.

Leave him, he's shown you who he is.