So - I am biting my tongue to try and stop myself announcing that I want to split up with dh !

[LucyLamb]

Well - sorry I have namechanged for this as I think dh might be reading my posts ! I am an old and regular mner though !

well - here I am - married almost 14 yrs, been with him since university (almost 20 yrs) - 1 dd almost 7 , and I am biting my tongue not to just come out and say I want out !

What's wrong ? Well - there's the sex - and now there is the not really LIKING him very much as well ! He's just been away for 2 weeks with work and d'you know what - I loved it - didn't miss him for one second and I really resent the fact that he's back !

The sex - well - he has never really had a very high sex drive - we were each others first and only (to my knowledge anyway) - and even when trying to conceive he turned me down loads of times as he was tired or stressed. I think I am storing up a load of resentment from back then. Once I was pg he basically didn't come near me again until last Xmas (dd was 6) when he engineered a weekend away without dd and said he wanted to do it. He did the same a few months later - so we have had sex twice in the last 7 yrs !

I used to want to do it a lot more - but he has pretty much killed off my interest - although I did get a Rabbit a few years back and only then discovered what all the fuss about sex was !

Anyway - he is really arsey and stroppy at the moment - always shouting at dd and contradicting my parenting ! He is of the sergeant major school - whereas I am desperately trying to work out what makes my lovely sensitive little girl tick !

Well - that's it really - we are moving house soon and I have been on the verge of calling the whole thing off - but we have exchanged now - so are committed.

Just don't know what to do !

do you think you coudl e happier living without him?
try citizens advice ?

God it's so hard - so so hard !

DD would be devastated - although she didn't miss him much when he was away actually. He is always making her cry - just yells at her all the time.

I need space to think - I think counselling would help. I'll make a GP app't tomorrow I think.

You're right though - there must ne more to life.

I definietly think I would be happier without him - I feel tense all the time he is here. He's always huffimg and sighing - don't know what about - maybe not me - but it feels like huffing coz I refused sex.

Thanks for all our thoughts - I think I'll go to bed now !

There IS more to life. Sorry if you dislike my frankness but I've been on both sides and I know that I'm way happier in my loving marriage where we are a partnership and we can tell each other anything than I was treading on eggshells with a previous partner.

Its when you are in a house and you feel more alone when you are together, than when he is not there.

I have some issues too FWIW! Sleep well.

Poor dd. That's awful, does he at least feel bad when he makes her cry. I made dd cry once and wanted to slit my wrists. Felt soooooooo bad.
I think she'll probably be happier if he's not there all the time.
Maybe you all will.???

Have only skimmed the thread (sorry) but surely there's more to this than just sex or lack of?

fwiw, dh and I have been having a rough time for 3 odd years now - oddly since our last child was born. First steps made yesterday; made me realise a lot of things tbh.

Wotz, it is terribly sad to feel lonely when someone is sitting right next to you.
Hope you're okay.
And you , Lucylamb. Whatever you decide it will be for the best. I am a great believer in that everything happens for a reason attitude.

that s agood philosophy BoM.

I have always found that when something happens, it leads to something else. There is a whole life out there for you and your DD, just waiting for you if you're strong enough to take it.

can you add a link to the get strong site please

oh forgot I'm on it, its helping, just need to keep with it and listen to all the advice that is great on mn. thanks BoM.

sleep well lucy

you only get one life - why have a miserable one ? Your husband sounds like a right selfish mean spirited individual should that be your daughters main male role model?

how about you and dd go off on holiday/stay with friends so you can get things straight in your head. obviously the house move is at the most inconvienient time

LL I do feel for you - this type of rejection is quite cruel, eats away at your self esteem and destroys your joie de vivre and is actually quite demeaning.

My ex - H wasn't interested in me, sexually or even affectionately since the conception of DS2 (late 2000), was repulsed by pregnant women (yes he told me that!), and for the best part of following five years I tried very hard with him, he wouldn't talk about it, other than to say the DCs put him off (ie the thought that they might wake/hear) I went to relate, alone. I also found out he'd bought some viagra from a friend but I am still not convinced it was for me as we only had sex once in that time period 2001-2007.

I ended up feeling repulsed by him and we split up last year (many other issues as well).

However it seems there is still life in the old goat as he has now met someone else therefore I would assume everything is OK in that dept. and he also used to travel overseas alot and I also found he had a 'friend' in one country.

It's going to take a long time for me to rebuild my shattered self esteem etc and I am still pretty resentful and angry towards him but I am so pleased I am not with him anymore. I won't pretend its easy being alone and new challenges are presented but at least my life isn't festering away with an old git who takes out all his negativity on me and the DSs!

He is also very very grumpy and shouty with DSs and they are beginning to see that more and more.

Hope that helps to see there are others in similar situations.

Gawd LL, that sounds like me

I'm at the point where I'm just trying to pretend it's OK for the sake of the kids and because I'm just too tired for all the aggro. He's a basically decent bloke but I still don't want him around. I know that life should hold more than this but there we go....

If you have reached the point of no return, be brave and make a move. I wish I could summon up the courage. Being along isn't the worst thing in the world. Good luck.

Oh dear - sorry to hear it's not just me ! Also good to hear though !

Have been thinking about Relate etc - but really does anyone think that it can change your mind ? I just hate him touching me at the moment - probably because I resent his past rejections, resent the fact that he is now hassling me for sex, don't like the way he is speaking to me and dd, and generally don't like him much at the moment. I suppose if he was nicer I might start liking him again - but it's a huge step to get back to fancying him ? maybe a step too far ?

I guess I ought to be brave and say this to him not to the internet - but I am just so scared that once it's out there - it's out there !

LL, this sounds so like me and P, even to the point of the shouty disciplinarian!

We have finally decided to make the break, and everyone seems much happier tbh. DD (6) took it surprisingly well, and is looking forward to staying in daddy's new place, although she does wonder if he will be around to read her bedtime stories (I have told her probably). But because of shifts etc he is not always there for things like that, and she is used to it.

If you do think its worth trying to stay, we did see a Relate counsellor years ago which helped a lot at the time (otherwise DD wouldnt be here!) and we saw them privately as the waiting list was so long. So it might be worth seeing if your local ones do private work.

Huge sympathy - but it could work for you whichever way you go.

Crossed posts - relate doesnt try to change our mind, but they will look at the reasons for these feelings developing.

Got to go now - at work and being nagged to go into a meeting!

I think I'm in this boat too. It has nothing to do with sex. I just don't like him because he is a jerk.. Always overriding my parenting and complaining that I don't do anythin when I do far more than he does. He is lazy an dI am fed up. . I have the courage to leave, just not the money. I can't afford rent and childcare so I can go to my full time job. I think I'll have to stay until our younger child goes to school full time, in 2010, which sounds SO SO SO far away. Not sure if I can really hold out until then.

Dh and I went to a Relate person for a long time. They don't make you stay together, but they can help clear the way so you don't have the same relationship again if you don't want to. It would be awful to split up and find yourself in the same situation with someone else. It happens a lot.

I have recently noticed that when dh and I are bickering, we pushing each other into situations that neither of us enjoy in order to feel something familiar, however horrible.

It's so hard getting your head round it I think - I don't even want to be near mine, or speak to him at the moment. If I start telling him why I will not stop and that's what scares me - all the old resentment will come tumbling out in random style !

It must be awful for you, Lucylamb. I'm not sure if it's being terribly helpful, but it sounds as though you would really benefit from sounding off at a 3rd person, even your gp, as it may help you to clarify your thoughts before you have it out with your husband. perhaps you need to let him know how you feel and have a row. It sounds as though you are tearing yourself apart.

I'm not at all in the same boat with my dh, but for now, I really cannot bear to be in the same room as my brother, and it is as though nobody believes me just how badly he behaves and what a brute he is. His brutishness is fuelled by ignorance and stupidity.

Is there anywhere you can go to get away from your husband?

I'm so sorry not to be of any real help, but you are not alone.