Mediation Advice

[canary19]

Hi All, wondering if anybody could advise me - I'm separating from my husband and have been advised to seek mediation regarding my daughter's living arrangements and finances. By the sound of it, there are two types of mediation? Either with solicitors present or not - is this correct. If so are the solicitors impartial? Also can they step in and advise if they think I'm getting an unfair arrangement? do you recommend either type and what should I expect? My husband can be manipulative and controlling so I'm apprehensive that he will be that way in the mediation.
Many thanks x

Hi if you and your husband can agree between you then you don’t need mediation. However if he has been abusive mediation is not recommended and the judge can decide. Or you could do shuttle mediation where you are in two separate rooms and the mediator goes between you.
I’d would seek legal advice through a solicitor. See if your friends know anyone.
You need to find out as much about his finances and his pension and savings as you can.

Thanks Mary1935 x

For the reasons you have mentioned, i had shuttle mediation. It was more expensive, but less so than with solicitors present, and even if they had been, i just couldn't sit in a room with him. The mediator was v fair, although cannot give legal advice, so if there is a contentious point of law, you would need legal advice also. We both told the mediator what we wanted and she basically negotiated back and forth until we reached agreement, although this was led by what we (mostly me) had been advised by my solicitor. He went from the starting point of wanting the moon, even though he was advised it was neither legal nor reasonable. I found mediation upsetting but very useful.

I agreed the finances with my exh and a solicitor put it into a consent order. He has now (post divorce and finances locked in) taken me to mediation to increase contact with our daughter as he wants weeknights which we can't agree on.

You should speak to a solicitor regardless as mediation works best when you both know what a court would be likely to impose of you can't agree.

Our 1st mediation was a waste of time as he angrily sat there claiming his rights were being denied- with no legal advice he didn't have a clue what his rights actually are (none, only responsibilities)

I would not do mediation at all if your husband is abusive. You will cooperate with the process whilst he will not.

Ha! X post with justlikedevon pretty Much!

Justlikedevon - thank you - can I ask did the mediator advise him that it wasn't legal. I have a feeling my husband will ask for everything and I am concerned that my needs wont be taken into account. Also I'm not sure if its abuse as it always seems so subtle, but he is controlling with money, always checking on my spending etc when he buys anything he wants, even a couple of thousand without asking me. He's also 'not working' so is always at home with my daughter when i have had to go back full time so we dont lose the house. I am worried that this will go against me and they will say she should live with him - he thinks this is a good idea. So scared to go for this as I may lose my daughter - not overly bothered about the money, even though living with him is a utterly miserable x

Pogmella - thank you - do you think he is likely to get my daughter full time if I work full time and he doesn't? x

The mediator can't offer legal advice. There isn't really such a thing as telling him what is 'legal' as there aren't rules about who gets what. Your solicitor or posters on here can advise you what a court might rule but no one can tell you exactly what they would rule if it went that far.

It's best to get legal advice and come up with a proposal that would be best for your DD and that you feel comfortable with. Reasons why a contact plan might or might not work can only be about what is in your DD's best interests, not yours or her father's.

My mediator was great (actually a former barrister) so was VERY clear to him what was and was not acceptable.
She took time to ask a lot of questions and really got to understand the situation. My xh is very difficult, but from reading between the lines, she saw more than he reveals to the public, so got just how vile he could be. On occasion, she did step outside of her place (I think) to remind me that he was not my friend and I had to be brave and put me and my child first.
I can't advise on your exact position I'm afraid, but if you have a very fair mediator, they will understand and be impartial while very fair within the law. Sorry I can't be more help in your particular situation!

canary are you home with her at the moment?

No one will get her 'full time'. A court would want to see an arrangement that gives her frequent meaningful contact with both parents, and that both parents can commit to upholding.

If you would want to be resident parent you might want to consider if maintaining that house is your priority. Also check what help you're entitled to. You can probably get tax credits, a reduction in council tax at least.

See a solicitor for a free half hour and get a feel for what they woukd think a court would likely rule- you'll feel better with a clearer idea.