Should I go elsewhere for Xmas?

[KevinFromGrimsby]

DSis isn't speaking to me.

In a nutshell, she makes plans (with me and/or DM) then if her DH doesn't want to come or they change their plans they always put us last and we have to fit round them or they just cancel altogether.

It came to a head when she said they would come for DD's 4th birthday. We were all going to stay the night before at DM's and spend her birthday there. Except for whatever reason they changed their plans and only let me know around 7pm on that evening they weren't coming and I had to tell DM. DM and stepdad had had renovations done recently so had worked really hard to get the house ready for us all to stay. The other room was set up for them so then DD was getting excited for someone else coming. So I was pretty annoyed and got in touch to say I was fed up of her always cancelling and said it wasn't fair on DM and SD who had put so much work in.

I'm fairly sure it's always her DH who changes his mind because it's usually her who sets up the plan in the first place. Fine if she doesn't want to see me/DM but it's always her setting it up so why do that if she doesn't want to come?

So we are all supposed to be going to DM's for Xmas, but she isn't talking to me - I don't know if she will be different in person. I don't know whether we should go to DP's parents instead now.

This is all so petty isn't it? I think we bring out the worst in each other. What do you think I should do?

I think you should go where you want to for Xmas and not base your decision on what your DSis is planning to do. If you go to your DM's & your DSis also goes it would be a good opportunity for you to tell her in person how her constant cancelling is making you all feel.

I think you should stop passing on her messages to your parents about what she can and can’t do. And stop hyping your daughter up to expect her presence on any given occasion. And go for Christmas because the last thing your mother probably deserves is two drama queen daughters.

Oh and another thing. Your DP’s parents shouldn’t be a fall back option - they should get equal consideration. So is this year their turn ? If so then go. If not then next year is their turn.

I’d be wondering about her DH, why is he making her cancel family things she’s organised?

Be careful that he’s not driving a wedge between her and the rest of her family...

Unless you all live far from each other, it seems an elaborate plan for a 4 year old's birthday
Why not dial it down a notch and visit your mum when you want. Let sister make her own plans. If you happen to bump into each other then be polite for the sake of everyone else.

She probably won't turn up. Don't mess your DM around at this late stage.

If you want to at DMs just go - DSIs is free agent, your decision should not depend on hers- your host is the important one here, don’t mess them about

I’d still go op and let her and her plans have no influence on my decisions.
@DianaT1969 why are they elaborate plans? Op isn’t even asking for anyone’s judgment on her plans she’s asking for opinions on her Christmas Day plans.

*on her birthday plans.

@7yo7yo
If the OP has high expectations of her sister i.e. travelling and staying overnght to celebrate a 4 year old's birthday (not actually clear from post what that entailed and whose idea it was), I fear she will always be disappointed. Managing expectations of people is pretty important. Putting ourselves in other people's shoes, giving the benefit of the doubt, or someone tge space to cancel is helpful in handling difficult relationships.

Just to be clear about the birthday bit, it wasn't my idea! She said let's go to DM's for DD's birthday and I will come as a surprise. (DM's house is on the way to her in laws so they come fairly regularly to either DM or inlaws.) DM and I said ok. I didn't tell DD she was coming but then the other bedroom was made up so she kept asking if someone else was coming.

This is what annoys me, I never make the plans, it's always her idea - let's do this, you come visit us, we'll come to you etc and then always changed or cancelled. Just don't make the plans in the first place!

Go to your DMs if you've arranged that with her already.
Next time she makes plans just say it doesn't work for you.
You can't change other people.

She sounds like my sister. It's very upsetting. But you can't change her so either accept her or don't. I wouldn't back out of Christmas plans. She's the one sulking so if she's not prepared to make the effort for Christmas day let her go elsewhere.