Single for over two years - no one wants me!

[uselessandlonely]

I've gone for different approaches.

I've been blonde, red head and dark.

I've gone for different men. There's been three guys who I've got very close to. But they decide they don't want me.

I'm gradually getting lonelier and lonelier. I see all women I know around me in relationships and progressing but for some reason no one wants to do that with me.

I come across as down on this thread, but in reality I come across as happy go lucky and carefree so it's not because I'm bringing them down.

Anyone felt like this and then found someone?

Can I ask a little advice on the last guy.

You'd know if someone wanted you wouldn't you.
I mean I want to try. But I don't want to look desperate.

The most attractive quality is authenticity.

The no driving part would be a no deal for me.. Can you work towards getting driving lessons?
You say about your job, all jobs are better than having no job but could you join some classes that interest you? You might find a guy or even new friends there which could lead to things!
Don't rule out online dating! I am now happily with my partner coming up 2years and trying for our first baby!
Could you hold off sleeping with them for a number of dates to make sure they are serious?
But mainly don't be so hard on yourself! It didn't work in past relationships because they weren't right for you... that's all you need to focus on!

To be honest, driving for me would be a waste of time and money. I don't need to drive. Other than perhaps that could hinder me getting a relationship?

OP, I think you'd really, really reap the rewards if you were to do some work on your self-esteem.

I write that as a 47-year-old who was in a very similar position to you in my mid-20s. I thought I knew myself and what I wanted, and I didn't. And it took quite a few relationships to realise what I did want - which is why I'm single now, and really very content. Yes, it would be great to have someone in my life, but it has become less and less important the older I've got, and the more I've accepted myself.

And, yes, you'd know if someone wanted you. A man leaves you in no doubt about that. And it doesn't have to be showy or over the top: it's more a matter of being consistent, keeping promises, showing up.

*But where are you in all of this, OP?

From what I've read, you seem to disappear in your pursuit of being wanted. You change your looks; you flirt; you consent to sex.

But where are you in your own life and therefore what do you bring to someone else?

You come across as having to mould yourself around a man's idea of what is loveable - and this is particularly clear because "they decide" and "they don't want", you "can't keep one", "I let him take the lead", "I didn't pester".*

^ This is spot on. You need to be honest about who you are from the start and find someone who values that. Don't try to change yourself, it's not sustainable long term and will put men off once they realise the true you isn't the person you projected at the start.

How do I work on my self esteem. I live in a very small town. Surrounded by other small towns. There aren't any classes of any sort. I do have a 'hobby' so to speak

Re your DS,- I do think that late 20s is a funny time because there will be a proportion of men your age who are still wanting to start their own families and not be with someone who has a child already. This is an unfortunate (probably biological) fact. I realise that is pretty tough and for sure I am not saying ALL men, but it will be true of some men you are meeting. Once you hit 30 I think it changes a little and certainly when I started dating at 37, it was basically presumed people had children so was no bother at all

Then focus on your hobby. Get out in a way that is possible in a small town - you don't have to meet 'the one': there are other people you can meet, even if it's just talking to them. Read. Study something online, or join some discussion groups. Read more. Find what you really love, and that you can do where you are, right now. It doesn't have to change the world or be your 'calling', but I think it should be something that a) you enjoy, and b) reflects something of yourself.

Oh - and this is not a popular one in some MN circles: don't have sex with the men you meet. Just don't. Make them wait. I consider myself a bit of a rad fem, and I still say wait. Your body is too precious, and if you haven't yet built up your sense of your own esteem, then it's far too easy to use sex as a way of attracting someone and having some currency.

And then you just feel shit and used afterwards. (Do I sound like I've been there? Oh yes!)

I do think I use sex as a way of feeling closer to them. Stupid I know as it hasn't worked so far.

Sex makes women feel closer to men, we release oxytocin etc which encourages bonding. That does not happen for men. It’s biological and a bit like our brains playing tricks on us.

The person above who advises you not to have sex, they’re absolutely correct.

I'm with you! I'm 29 and whenever I start to like someone they end up saying sorry but no thanks!

I’ll join the club OP. Single 8 years apart from a short 4 month thing that went nowhere. Only relationship was with DCs dad which was toxic from day one. Last had sex 3.5 years ago.

I've basically written myself off as too old/fat and ugly to be in one

Nope! You’re gorgeous! I’ve seen your pics.

@uselessandlonely I feel for you, but you are so young and you should really try and believe and love yourself as no one else will love you as much you can yourself. It sounds corny but find things to cheer you up, hobbies, beautifying yourself for yourself. The best trait in someone is when they truly believe in themselves. Imagine if you met someone who said he had nothing going for him etc etc, such a turnoff. Confidence and self worth is so important.

From a woman who used sex as currency:

Love yourself enough not to hand yourself over for anyone who hasn't proved themselves worthy. I know a lot of people say that women can have it all, and that includes having as many partners as they like, when they like, and as early as they like. I call bullshit. I really do.

Trust yourself. That's more important. Trust yourself that you will look after yourself, and trust that anyone who doesn't respect that is someone who needs to be shown the door. Trust that you don't need to offer yourself up to attract and keep someone. Trust in your own autonomy. Then, when you do trust your own autonomy and you trust yourself to look after yourself: then you can do anything you like, because you know you'll be safe and you don't need anyone else to validate your experience.

You'll be fine. You are enough.

Single 11 years. 11 and a half.