Advice please

[Passmeagin]

Apologies if this is long
At the start of this year I split with my partner of one year. It was the most toxic relationship with a lot of mind games on both sides but it was so intense and passionate and I loved him so much. But he was bad for me and my mental health. We brought out the worst in each other.
We've been strictly nc since April. Blocked and deleted off everything.
Fast forward to now and I've been dating this lovely guy for 3 months. However there's just something missing for me. A certain spark. I find myself pining for my ex when I'm with him and I feel so guilty about it. This new guy is sweet but he wants to see me all the time. Buys me flowers every weeks and takes me out. Basically treats me like a princess. He's told me he has completely fallen in love with me but I can't say it back.
I sound so ungrateful but his neediness really puts me off. But on paper he's most women's dream man. When he's not with me he texts all the time. Is planning holidays for next year for us and I just feel it's all a bit much and I feel pressurised.
I don't know if I should end it or give it a chance and see if that spark develops.
Wwyd?

If there isn't a spark with this new guy after 3 months I doubt that it will suddenly appear. A couple of things jumped out at me from your post OP:

1. New guy wants to see you all the time, is constantly buying you flowers, has "completely fallen in love with you" in a short space of time, he's making plans for next year. This sounds like classic love bombing to me and is a red flag. If you think back to how your ex was in the beginning was he like this? It's a trait of a certain type of man that they act this way to draw you in at the beginning before showing their toxic side. (If your ex was like this, it could be the reason you're suddenly missing him after a year and knowing that was a toxic relationship).
2. On paper he's most women's dream man. This is another red flag for me. Everyone has faults and after 3 months these should have cropped up. Little, everyday faults that show you that he is human. Sounds like he's deliberately hiding anything that could tarnish his shiny armour that's probably made of tin foil.
3. You feel pressured, and at this early point in any relationship you should not be feeling this way.

From your OP it sounds like you're better off ending things with this guy.

Have you heard of the Freedom Program? It's available online and it could be worth you doing because I think you are seeing the signs of another toxic man but you're not 100% sure and the program will help you spot men like your ex and this new guy, increase your self esteem (stop you playing mind games yourself) and have better, healthier relationships in the future.

It is really great that you could identify that your old relationship was toxic and unhealthy and you absolutely did the right thing in ending things. It is easy to sometimes romanticise ex partners and you must keep reminding yourself of the reasons why you ended it, a partner who has a negative impact on your mental health and brings out the worst in you is not a good partner.

You have said there is no spark and it could be down to exactly that.... maybe the chemistry just isn't working for you, that is fine you do not need to justify a specific reason to end this relationship if it is not working for you.

You may be pining for the passionate element of your old relationship and not your ex himself especially if this is missing with this new partner.

This new man does sound very full on especially as you have only been together for 12 weeks, some people would would even label it "love bombing" As nice as he is do you actually fancy him? Would he perhaps step back and slow down if you explain how you feel?

Maybe you are not ready to start dating yet. Although your previous relationship was only for a year it sounds as if it was both physically and mentally draining. There is no timeline on how long it takes to recover from a bad relationship no matter what the length.

Whatever the reason it sounds as if you are getting "the ick" so you will possibly feel better if you either end this new relationship or at the very least slow it down until you feel less suffocated. Listen to your gut/inner voice.

@rivanqueen no my ex was the complete opposite. He used to tell me he loved me but I always felt more of a fwb on his part. I thought maybe the problem is I'm just not used to someone being so open with their feelings. But something just isn't sitting right. I agree that by now I should've seen at least some chinks in the armour. I'll take a look at the freedom project. My ex dh who I left 3 years ago was abusive so maybe my gut instinct isn't as accurate as it could be.
@sunburstsormarblehalls I think I do miss the passion but then is it a comprise I'd have to make for someone who treats me well. I just don't know and I don't want to settle but as a woman in her 30s with 2dcs and and a exh can I afford to be this picky. Urgh that sounds awful saying it like that.
I have text him saying it's moving a bit quick and can we slow things down but he's left me on read. I mean he could be busy but he has never done that before. Like in my op he always texts all day everyday

You definitely don't have to sacrifice passion in exchange for being treated well. It sounds as if you have had a shitty time with your past relationships and it has dented your confidence and made you question your instincts, as rivanqueen suggested the Freedom programme may be really beneficial for you.

If you settled would you ever be truly happy and fulfilled in a relationship for potentially the next 50 odd years? Your children may have moved out in approx 15 years time so it is good to have a strong connection with a "spark" especially at the very beginning of the relationship.

You are still young and when you have DC I think it is good to be cautious and extra picky. I was in my late 20's and divorced with 2 young children when I met my DP. My DC are now 22 and 16 and we are making lots of plans for our future as relatively young(ish) empty nesters.

It is interesting that he has become distant today after receiving your message, maybe he is unsure what to do but I would proceed with caution. His previous over the top actions are a bit of red flag for me and neediness is not a particularly attractive trait in a partner.

The way he behaves going forward should give you a real indication if he is a genuine nice guy who is a bit of a keen bean or if he is a manipulator who has been using love bombing to overwhelm you.

I'd be concerned that he's lovebombing you too.

@sunburstsormarblehalls that gives me some hope. I was 28 when getting divorced and 31 now. It scares a lot of men off I've found through old.
He has replied saying he completely understands and was scared of his own feelings for me but is happy to slow it down. Time will tell whether or not he means that. But thank you for the advice