Unhappy but don’t want to leave? What’s wrong with me?

[Stuckindodge]

10 years ago I walked in on my DP in bed with another woman, I was 12 weeks pregnant at the time. He said it was a one off and he regretted it and I stupidly forgave him. Fast forward and we had a 6 month old, and I found out he had actually had multiple affairs, although nothing since I had caught him. It was confirmed by a neighbour and by explicit photos I found on his laptop. For some stupid reason I begged him to stay, he wanted to leave as he said he had done too much damage.

We went on to quickly have another DC and he turned out to be a useless father. 10 years on I grew to hate him but still I stay? It’s like comfort?

I stupidly had a brief affair this year, he found out and forgave me. Now I hate my self for going to his level. Before the affair I also flirted with a man who I worked with who was flattering me, and explicit pictures were stupidly exchanged. This kind of gave me the buzz that then led to an affair with someone else, not from work. Since I left the job he has shown colleagues the photos, one who is a mutual friend of mine and DP, I am full of anxiety of this being exposed as I know DP would find this the final straw. He said he has been faithful since I caught him and if I’m not happy I should leave rather than cheat. I’m an anxious mess in bits. On one hand I know our relationship isn’t healthy but on the other hand I don’t want to leave, we met at 18 and are 38 now. I work part time, do everything around the house and all childcare. He goes away with friends once a year, I don’t as I wouldn’t want to be away from my DC and my friends are past the stage of girls holidays. I wish I could wave a magic wand and change things, it’s like I don’t have the strength to change them. I have thought about seeing the GP as I now feel depressed and anxious but not sure what they could even suggest? I just plod along everyday feeling exhausted and unhappy. But it’s my own fault for staying in an unhealthy situation but every time I try to leave I am physically sick and become hysterical that I don’t want to leave DP.

The affair helped me feel happiness again and gave me relief and escape from my situation. But it wasn’t the answer I thought it was as we were caught and now it’s made things a hundred times worse.

Sorry that was long.

Could you have an honest conversation re; the photo's with your dh? Would you both agree to/afford marriage guidance counselling? It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship tbh, I'd start to look at practical options for going it alone. You are still young - there's a whole lifetime ahead of you to lead the life you really want.

I don’t think I could as it’s still so raw him finding out about the affair. It would just be another set back for us. Either that or he would leave. I feel so guilty and anxious though that it will come to light it’s eating me up. I feel guilty towards my children too, as even though they are small and don’t know I feel like I have just made things worse for us as a family as now I feel even more depressed. It’s like instead of having problems, I now have problems on top of those problems.

It’s like I have let his bad treatment of me turn me into a horrible person. I feel ashamed of myself :(

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents, what did yours teach you?.

I would not call him your DP at all, he's more like your jailer now who you met at a young age and with no life experience behind you. You have certainly outgrown him now but you are still young and you can make a life for yourself going forward without him. I would choose that option rather than staying and having affairs yourself. As you have also seen all too clearly these bring with them more problems. Affairs are symptomatic of problems anyway in the relationship, not the cause.

It sounds like you are now so afraid of being on your own with your kids that you are continuing to also show them a rubbish example of what a relationship should be like. What does your partner bring to the table apart from a lot of grief towards you emotionally?. What do you get out of this relationship?. The two of you should not be together under any circumstances frankly, there is really no good reason for you being together now. Its codependency and the sunken costs fallacy that probably keeps you tied up with this man. A question you need to also ask yourself in the future is why you chose to forgive him at all after his first affair, let alone go onto have another child by him.

I would also think your mood would lift if you actually did not have the millstone of this bloke around your neck, all he continues to do here is drag you and in turn your kids down with him. He has been the problem here and this relationship was really and truly over 10 years ago. The two of you are accountable here for what happens going forward as well.

If you could wake up and everything was fine in your life.....what would that look like?

I honestly don't judge or blame you for the affairs. I'm not sure how you came back from the sight of him in bed with an OW ...let alone while you were pregnant.

Do you love him?
Does he make you happy?

Asides from financially, would you miss him in your life?

I think you need to look at what's best for you.

I think your affairs happened because you were so miserable at home with your partner due to he being unfaithful towards you. Another man showed you kindness and affection and you lapped it up. You have not acted well either BUT you do not have to compound the mistakes here made by you by remaining with this man out of misplaced fear and guilt.

I just saw you said you hate him...so no love.

attilathemeerkat
Growing up I remember my mum always complaining about my dad to her friends. Then as I got older she used to complain about him to me. Said that she used to be happy before meeting him. My mum suffers from anxiety. Growing up I can’t remember her ever hugging or kissing me or telling me that she loved me. Whenever I went to her with a problem she told me that she had bigger problems. When I went to her after finding DP in bed with another woman she offered no support whatsoever so I ended up going back to DP to get emotional support. It’s so weird it’s like he causes my pain but he is also the one I go to for emotional support.

My DP provides financially is always there for me and supports emotionally. Without him I would feel I have nothing.

The man I had the affair with seemed besotted with me and was very kind, told me he loved me, made me feel alive for the first time in 10 years, made me feel 20 years younger too! But I found out he was married! He confessed and said he thought he was happy in his marriage until he met me but there was something about me and he has totally fallen for me. Said I was beautiful, intelligent, polite and he would leave his wife for me. I ended things. Then his wife found out and told my DP. I do miss him but I don’t think I really knew him. It was just like a breath of fresh air for someone to seem besotted by me.

I think I chose to forgive my DP the affair I walked in on as he felt like all I had. When I look at what he brings to the table he doesn’t help with the kids, does a few bits of housework grungely after I complained about it. I do feel lighter when he is not here but I can’t let him go 😞

sandyy2k

If I could wake up and choose my life it would just be me and the DC, living a quite life. But also me dating as I feel like I missed out on all that DP was my first boyfriend. The only problem is if I could choose my life DP wouldn’t be in the background having DC everyweekend, I would hate that as he is useless with them and I would fear he would loose them in a shopping centre or something, he is very much like that and they are so little. He doesn’t show them any care.

*every other weekend

As I suspected your own childhood was not ideal either. I am sorry indeed that none of the adults in your life saw it fit to help or guide you but only thought of their own selves. They really did let you down here and abjectly so. No wonder you were lost and actually remain so at 38. BTW you do not mention your dad, is he in your life now?. It seems that in some ways you are basically replaying your childhood but with this man who continues to abjectly let you down.

You can break this cycle but you are going to have to put the necessary work in and that will not be easy for you. This is all going to have to be rebuilt from the ground up. You can choose to forgive yourself and let yourself leave this individual.

Re him what does he bring now into your life?. You also state he is a rubbish dad. You probably stay mainly out of fear of the unknown and guilt and that is no good for your kids to see either. They see yours and his own unhappiness all too clearly. You want better for them and you deserve better for your own self too. You can free yourself from this if you choose to, do not spend the next month, let alone the next year in the same position you are in now. Its a waste.
There is help out there for you and you can make a life for yourselves without he in it. Do not let this man further become your jailer here and make your 39th year on Earth a happier one for you and your kids.

attiliathemeerkat thank you for taking the time to reply it means a lot. I am struggling so much today.

My dad was a quite man, he has given me bits of advice but always says it up to me what I do. But my mum is always there listening giving her opinion which is usually insults aimed at me. She even makes snide comments at the situations I have been in.

I really know this relationship is a mess and that he is controlling. I feel we can live a happy life as long as I act like he wants me too. One thing that does also stop me from leaving is he said he has learned from his mistakes and will never cheat again. But I know I will never 100% trust him it’s sll such a mess. I hate myself for putting me and my DC in this situation which I can’t seem to find an ounce of strength to get out of 😞

Having an affair seemed an easy solution but it has done more damage and left me feeling a million times worse

Glad to be of some help to you today.

Your mother clearly is of no use or ornament here so I would stop going to her because she cannot or will not give you what you need from her.

If there is no trust between your partner and you, there is really no relationship. You mentioned the word controlling here re him and that is also concerning. I would talk to an organisation like Womens Aid via phone or e-mail; you need real life support too. There is help out there for you; you need to be brave and make that first step out of this yourself.

I do not think you are a horrid person at all and I would gladly buy you a coffee. But you've been let down abjectly, firstly by your parents who should have themselves known better and now this man who you met when you were only 18.

You can be free of this man and the two of you should not be together now. You can make a better life for yourself and in time date again. But work on your own self first through counselling and love your own self for a change.

Thank you so much

I just need to work out what the first step would be. It all feels so daunting.

I think in spite of his cheating...if he became a changed man you'd feel happier.

Right now you lack affection from him.

You don't feel desired by him.

He doesn't do much with the kids.

The response to the question I asked .. literally eliminates him from your life.

As that's not possible...how long do you think the current situation is sustainable?

Decide whether what you have is salvageable (if he made big changes) or if in the long term a life without him is what you want even the changed.

Talking therapy is a good idea for you.

Another thing I gleaned from your post...is that all the affairs were rugswept.

There's not been any digging or self exploration done.

Nothing to establish boundaries and to look more closely at the relationship... which given the fact you were pregnant the first time I can see why... but none of the cheating has been explored together to establish the underlying issues.

Thank you. Do you think something like Relate by myself might be a good idea? I had looked into that before but stupidly had an affair instead and cancelled the sessions.

I can't see the harm in counseling. Equally individual therapy would be good and is less likely to have a long waiting time.