Have it all apart from someone to love and who loves me. Why haven’t I found someone?

[Hurting1593]

So fed up. What I want most is a family life with a man I love. I’m 35 now. It feels too late.

Everyone who is married was married in their twenties. I have a busy life. But no career or hobbies or friendships can replace a loving marriage. They’re different things.

I’m so sad. I feel it just won’t happen now.

You still have time OP. People find love at ages much older than you. And plenty of women have babies in their 40s. Don’t give up hope xx

Don't be daft woman! You're still young yet enjoy life and see what happens.

I'm 36 (and I think I'll be 36 again next month ) and very single with most friends married with kids at home (mine's nearly 20 and in supported living..) and while I'm not bothered about being single it does feel a bit weird at times that everyone else is married, but that's because I feel a bit left out and different I guess.

I know I have possibilities on the horizon and earlier this year had a kind of fling with someone younger who adored me so there is hope for you too!

I just feel so scared in the early hours. I have thoughts of my life being this way always and it’s not unhappy, just lonely in the romantic sense. I have friends and a busy life.

I wake up most mornings panicking, or crying silently from a nightmare.

Next year there’s two weddings and once again I will be celebrating someone else’s happiness. I sound so bitter but it’s just become so hard. Nobody would have any idea I felt this way from the outside.

OP I used to feel like this.

I met DH around your age and had DS at 39. It can happen for sure.

You'll find someone- good luck!

Sympathies, hurting. Doubtless there will soon be the usual troops telling you that you're young, they 'met someone' at 36 and had 2 children by 40, you never know what's round the corner, etc etc - but that doesn't help you, because that equally well might not happen, and that's why you're sad.

I don't know why this happens. I'm long term single too, and it sometimes feels like everyone else except me manages to attract and keep someone - again, logically you know that's not true, but that doesn't stop the feeling.

I think it's really important not to give up hoping, while focussing on making your life as happy as it can be as a single person. It helps to have some good single friends too , especially at christmas and new year - do you?

I have got friends who I see without their other halves there so I do have girl time. I don’t have any single friends. I wouldn’t know where to find any and I don’t think I need specifically single friends.

I am trying to focus on the good parts of my life. I’m happy with my life I just wish I could share that with someone. I have a nice home and job and nobody to share it with. I know it’s not as simple as this, but I am fed up of it not being me with any of the celebrations. I feel so alone in that respect and no I have lost hope it feels like I’ve lost everything.

These threads crop up every few days, which indicates just how many people are in the same boat as you, so it's not just you - there are thousands upon thousands who feel the same.

You will get plenty of the "Don't be silly, of course you'll find someone" comments when the truth is that is a guarantee no one can give you. It's more likely than not you'll find someone, but it's not an absolute and that's why it's scary. I think @Walkacross is right although that doesn't mean those of us who are long term single (8 years here and I'm 44, I have another friend who is 42 next year and has been single 11 years bar two very short lived things) aren't allowed to wallow and mope occasionally. We just have to guard against it becoming a permanent state of mind which is sometimes easier said than done, particularly at times like Xmas.

Are you actively dating? If your life is full of hobbies and girlfriends then you probably aren’t going to meet somebody. You need to be online dating, doing single nights, register on Meetup (the website) for single groups in your area. You need to be proactive and put yourself out there. If you aren’t dating every Saturday night then there’s your answer. Get to it and report back in 12 months if you’re still in the same boat

I am dating but now you ask that question I realise I can’t remeber the last evening date I had.

I stick to cofffees only for the first time and it’s usually during the day and I won’t stay longer than an hour. They always suggest a weekend or an evening and I always say just coffee then I dash off. I usually hear from them again but I don’t want to risk wasting my weekend evenings with someone I don’t click with. Maybe this is a where I am going wrong?

In fact I always hear from them again but I am always reluctant to make anything an evening date!

Well you’re never going to find out if you click if you don’t spend any time with them are you? An hour for coffee is hardly going to advance things - sounds like you are avoiding getting close to anyone

You still have time. People older than you get divorced and then go on to meet new partners. I am 32 and met the love of my life 2 years ago after failed relationships. I didn't think I would meet anyone so right for me and had given up as I had children and didn't think anyone would be interested in the long term. But it was such a lovely surprise when it happened.
I think you maybe have a guard up subconsciously. You need to be active in looking for love, but not stress about it. Online dating is a good place to start. Try talking to people who you don't think are your type and say yes to evening dates. Really get to know people and open up when you feel comfortable. And it will happen.

@Cawfee But even doing all that doesn't guarantee meeting anyone.

@Hurting I was with you having a moan, being in the same boat, but you won't "waste" an evening? Sorry, but you're being ridiculous there. I get the whole coffee first date but never having an evening date? You're a self-defeating prophet! So you get people interested in seeing you after date one (which is good) and you never have a second date in an evening in case it's a waste of time? Yes, it might be, but it might also not.

You won't have an evening date?

Only an hour for coffee!!??!! You’re not going to click in an hour! Blimey. Give the guys a chance! Plus they are going to be nervous and you’re dashing in and out like a whirlwind, it’s a wonder you even get a chance to know their name in that time! You need to really change your approach and strategy here. I think you have your answer. I was friends with my DH for a year before we even had our first date!!!! You need to do the coffee thing and if you don’t find them physically repulsive do a weekend activity that you enjoy and see if they fit into that maybe? At least give them more than an hours chance!!! I wouldn’t be married to my DH if I’d based it on the 1st hour I met him.

Another thought: are you dating a few guys at once? I know they say get out there and date around but I found I could only really focus on one guy at a time, otherwise I couldn't get really into anyone. So I would speak to a few guys online and only if I felt we had clicked would I go on a date. Sometimes if you're dating too many people it stops you from connecting with someone special and they might get overlooked.

Ok this obviously what I am doing wrong! Often I dont fancy them but usually I guess I just havent got to know enough about them to consider meeting again. They always suggest drinks in an evening.

In the past I have had a few evening dates that felt like a complete waste of time (awful to say, I know) and so I sort of became quite defensive and thought i will fit it into my day but wont take an evening out of my plans. This is clearly where I am going wrong.

I have been chatting to someone for the last 8 weeks (hes been working away). He wants to go for dinner this weekend. However he only ended a relationship in September (together for 8 years). She cheated. I am cautious about this being too soon. What do you think? I know he is genuine as strangely a friend knows him but he does not yet know of the link - i will tell him this weekend if we meet.

OP, you need to treat dating like finding a job. Have lots of dates and put more effort in to find the one you really like!

Otherwise you are self sabotaging, and then moaning on here about not finding someone!

Yes go on the date. You don’t have to be engaged and married to him by Xmas! If it goes well then take it slowly and have more casual dates in the new year. You’re massively over thinking everything. You’ve got nothing to lose by trying and all this “I won’t waste anymore evenings” is really OTT. It’s like you’re treating every guy as the enemy before you’ve even met them! This is why you’re still single. You need some CBT or something. Just see it as fun. It doesn’t have to be so serious.

I had never considered that this could be blocking the development of something. I’m quite confident usually but the idea of a dinner date is scaring me a little bit! I’m going to go for it this weekend!

Glad you're going for it! Very wise. Keep us posted.

Everything is fab in my life apart from my precarious work situation so I know what you mean about things being in place nicely, apart from one element which seems to eat away at you and overshadows the good stuff. I wake up feeling panicky too. It's not nice.

Good luck OP!!

Keep an open mind and don't be overly picky. By this I mean have high standards but don't reject everyone who doesn't appear perfect on paper or in person. The right guy will probably take you by surprise, as in not necessarily ticking every ideal box, but there will be something about him that draws you. Don't exclude him too early!

Thanks! Feel wobbly about it all and just want to settle down. I can see I need to be spending longer than 45 mins with them though!

You have 365 evenings a year. They can't be so special to guard them all and spendvthe next 40 years alone just in case it wasn't worth it. They're always worth it, if anything it teaches you what you don't like in a person and enhances your filter that way, making succes a more attainable option.