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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

"I never touched them!!"

23 replies

Santasshoe · 17/12/2018 06:39

The first words said by my ex when I told him the school are concerned about his children now having more contact with him.

I have name changed for obvious reasons. There is a bit of a back story but if someone's instant reaction to you saying that the school was worried about their children's behaviour was this would it ring alarm bells with you? I spoke to his mum too saying the school are worried about the chikdren being quiet and a change in their behaviour and her instant reaction was "well ex hasn't touched them. You know that don't you?" She then repeated that several times during the conversation even though I never mentioned ex.

OP posts:

Original poster

Santasshoe · 17/12/2018 06:57

Only reason I'm asking is that I'm a useless mum who doubts myself alot and I'm useless at reading people. Last time ss were involved they pushed me to keep contact with ex as it's good for the children and I don't really know what to do.

When i asked my youngest why he never seems happy when he's seen his dad he just started crying and wouldn't talk to me.

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witherwings · 17/12/2018 07:02

It doesn't seem a normal reaction from ex or MIL to me. And the fact your youngest started crying when asked is a bad sign.
You are not a bad mum for not being able to read people, the fact that you are looking at this means you are looking out for them.
I dont have specific advice but it seems sensible to stop contact until you and SS can look into this further.

immortalmarble · 17/12/2018 07:04

It’s very difficult because contact with a parent, even an abusive one, is pushed by SS. Can you say any more about what the school said?

deepwatersolo · 17/12/2018 07:10

Is it possible to arrange supervised-only contact and have him consent to that? The reaction and change in the kids is enough to make this a reasonable request, imo, irrespective of what did or did not happen.

Sunnyjac · 17/12/2018 07:16

Their reactions sound odd and there’s clearly a problem for your youngest. Keep doing what you’re doing, support and reassure your children and work with school and SS for their best interest. Whatever outcome for your ex and mil will be of their own making by the sound of it

Onebrokentoe · 17/12/2018 07:19

When i asked my youngest why he never seems happy when he's seen his dad he just started crying and wouldn't talk to me.

I find this very concerning. I don’t know what to suggest but it seems clear this needs further investigation. A counsellor perhaps?

NotTheFordType · 17/12/2018 07:20

oh god I feel for your youngest. poor lad!

can you get camhs involved?

subspace · 17/12/2018 07:55

There are red flags all over this.

School have noticed a red flag (or it's much more likely they have seen several)
His reaction is not normal (red flag)
His mother's reaction is not normal (red flag)
You have noticed a change in your children's behaviour (red flag)

Has he ever done anything abusive to you, or the kids before? Given you cause to think he could be abusive in some way to anybody? I include verbally not only physical.

Original poster

Santasshoe · 17/12/2018 12:23

Hi sorry for the delay. He has been reported before due to bruising after a weekend with him. Ss were useless and only talking to my youngest then 7 three weeks after the event. He was emotionally abusive with me and also used to guilt trip me into sex constantly as he saw it as his right. We were together 10yrs and it took me about 4 to leave. He used to get the kids together when I asked him to leave and made them cry so I backed down.

Social services really pushed that we kept contact so I had strict only a couple of hours and only with his mum but last week he picked them up from school when he isn't aloud and the next day youngest acted very odd at school even wet himself. (He's now 8).

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MrPipsGran · 17/12/2018 12:32

I'm so sorry but the red flags are waving frantically. Something serious has happened and you need to act now to protect your children. You need to get in touch with Social Services again - and make sure they take your concerns seriously by involving the school/school nurse. If necessary, a trip to the GP, to catalogue any possible injuries, may be needed. Please do not allow your ex or his mother any access to your children until Social Services have investigated thoroughly. Best of luck, thinking of you and your little ones.

subspace · 17/12/2018 12:35

That is awful.

School really messed up, if he was allowed to pick them up from school when he isn't supposed to. Go ask for a meeting with head, whoever is responsible for safeguarding and his class teacher too. Invite SS, but don't delay it waiting for them, you require this meeting TODAY. Reiterate in writing, he is NOT to pick children up from school by himself, and that this is a safeguarding issue. Work WITH school and SS. Get your children, all of them, into whatever welfare program the school has, get them a safe space they can go to regularly where they can open up and talk to somebody. Obviously encourage them to talk to you and/or to a teacher they trust/any other grown up they trust. Document dated and with witness statements/signature where possible all instances of concern - the bruises, the quietness, the wetting.

He can have contact ONLY if it is supervised.

pissedonatrain · 17/12/2018 12:36

Something is definitely wrong. If you still have to send him you can invest in a tiny camera/microphone that is like a pin to find out what is really going on while he's there.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 17/12/2018 13:01

Oh my goodness, your poor babies! I would walk over hot coal before sending them back, over my dead body would I send deeply traumatised babies back to what is clearly a deeply abusive Father!

If you don’t know where to start, I suggest you call the nspcc, they can support you through referral to social services and advise you, they will stay in touch throughout the process as well.

Alternatively,(ASAP) I would ask for a meeting with the head of safeguarding as well as your dc’s ht or t at your dc’s school! You need to reiterate what your ex and your exmil have both said. As well as telling them the reaction of your youngest dc!

I am so sorry, you must be absolutely worried sick! Your poor babies, I would refuse all contact, let him take you to court. Just concentrate on protecting your babies from their Monster Father!

Original poster

Santasshoe · 17/12/2018 16:37

Thanks everyone. The school were the ones who reported the bruises the first time. When he cried he said he didn't want dad to get in trouble and then just went on about all sorts of random stuff.

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ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 18/12/2018 00:25

Do the school know that your ds said that? That is a huge concern! I would definitely be refusing contact, this needs to be explored with trained professionals, who can support your little ones as they help them feel safe enough to open up about the abuse.

user1457017537 · 18/12/2018 00:27

Seek the help of a child protection Social Worker. They will advise you

Sooveritg · 18/12/2018 00:30

Something has happened. I'm not sure who I'd go to. Maybe start with the school?

pallisers · 18/12/2018 00:35

huge red flags - every instinct I had would be screaming. I suspect he is hurting them and his mum knows about it - saw the aftermath.

Original poster

Santasshoe · 18/12/2018 07:59

Thank you all. Glad to know I'm not being silly about feeling this way. My first response about the school being worried about one of them would be "why what's wrong" "are they ok" not I didn't do anything.

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Original poster

Santasshoe · 18/12/2018 08:04

I am going to call the school in my break today for a chat and take it from there.

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Hellenbach · 18/12/2018 08:12

The school needs to follow their safeguarding procedure and log this as a concern. It's great they've contacted you. Changes in behaviour are an immediate sign to watch for.

The children need support, they need to have someone to talk to such as a counsellor. School should be able to help with this.

Once you e spoken to the safeguarding officer at the school if you don't feel reassured ring NSPCC.

0ccamsRazor · 18/12/2018 08:28

Just sending you much strength op, you poor dc

I hope that your dc open up and tell you what has been going on and i hope that you get all the help you need to safe-guard you dc.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 18/12/2018 17:58

I hope that you have been able to trigger an investigation and that you will be supported to protect your dc xx

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