Spending Christmas with ex's family?

[milkandpancakes]

Please help me decide on the right thing to do this Christmas. I have a DS of 6, very amicable with my exP and we spent last Christmas with my parents and the previous year with his who live a three hour drive away.
ExP's dad is quite seriously ill and exP wants to spend Christmas with his parents, which is totally understandable but I feel torn over what to do in terms of DS and me.

• I'm not really happy with a three hour journey late on Christmas Eve after exP finishes work.

• I'm looking forward to seeing lots of my family this Christmas, it will be a lovely full house and they are generally much more fun and festive than ex's family. I've also done everyone a stocking.

• I kind of feel like I've done my 'good turn' this year as I invited ex and his parents for a week's holiday in a lovely cottage in Somerset (at no expense to them).

• while things are amicable with both my ex and his parents, I've never found them very warm people and I tend to feel really awkward around them, it's always quiet with no Christmassy music for example, conversation is stilted, lots of reading and doing the crossword (I enjoy both these things but don't find it very sociable).

• on the other hand is it 'fair' to let them have this Christmas? Especially with his dad so unwell. I wasn't sure about them wanting to host but apparently they're keen and would love it. I don't want to upset anyone. I just feel I really don't want to go. I have suggested my ex go alone and have a quiet Christmas with them, and Skype DS. He's not happy with that and obviously the other option is for him to take DS with him but I don't think I can bear that idea. Bearing in mind that I'm the one who has gone to all the effort with his stocking and presents, ex never bothers really and still hasn't bought him his birthday present (he means well but is on autistic spectrum - and is horrendously disorganised - so doesn't always get the importance of things). I think DS would really miss me if we were apart and it would be very sad for me. My ex doesn't even like Christmas and always makes a thing of not really being bothered.

What's the right thing to do? Should I just insist DS stays with me or is that unfair?

Are you recently separated? You don't sound very officially split up. It's lovely that things are amicable and hopefully they always stay that way but you and your ex could do with an agreement about expectations so it's confusing for both of you and your DC.

Your buying gifts for his side and yours (Sorry if I've misinterpreted), your having holidays with his family and your cost. You might not be sleeping in the same bed but you're basically still together at the moment.

Providing providing DPs DF isn't so unwell that it will be distressing for DC I would be tempted to let them have this one on the proviso that he's with you next year. Will be miss you? Probably. Will you miss him? Of course you will but no doubt your child will also miss his dad and his dad will miss him. Start to create those ground rules and boundaries for both of you.

That should say not confusing for everyone!

I’d say let your DS have a last Christmas with his grandad. Provided it won’t be a distressing experience as PP said. Six is old enough to form lasting memories and I would want to make sure my son had those.

You're right about the boundaries, I haven't bought presents for his family though, I've done stockings for my lot and I'm quite excited about it . We're not together at all, we live apart but it's fairly flexible because I want DS to feel like his parents are still a team putting him first and to be able to spend time with us in a relaxed way. We don't tend to hang out much having said that.

I have a similar set up and we normally all spend Christmas Day at my XDH’s parents. I would let your DC go with him this year.

MerryBear I still think he will have a better time and better memories with my family. I've suggested my ex takes him up before or after Christmas for a 'mini Christmas' so DS has time with both grandparents but he won't consider it. He works in retail so that makes things difficult but he's so inflexible. He's been off sick for the past week with a flare-up of a prostate problem and generally looks like he's in really poor health so I've suggested he take the period leading up to Christmas off work to recuperate and spend some quality time with his dad. You'd think the sky would fall in without him there though! And he gets paid barely more than minimum wage.

I think your son should be able to have Xmas with his dad and paternal family this year. Not only would it fall in line with, what is developing as a pattern of alternate years, but this may be his last Xmas with his grandfather. Whether or not you choose to accompany him and his dad is entirely up to you.
Painful as it may be spending Xmas away from him, unfortunately this is the reality of raising a child as separated parents. But whatever you do, please don’t make your son choose where he wants to spend Xmas (I’m not saying you are) as this would place him in an invidious position.

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It seems reasonable to let your ex take your son to his family for Christmas, especially as his dad is unwell

His dad is sick. This could be his last Christmas. You should let your DS go.

Isn't the right thing to do to have alternate christmasses?

I think that's pretty standard - it's what we do. I don't particularly like it, but my kids don't mind and it seems the fairest thing (and this is in relation to an exh who spends no time with his dcs and seems to have very little interest in them).

I don't buy any presents for my exh's family by the way - he can do that (or not).

Ds should go with ex and you to your family

In the new year I'd make things formal

It's clearly not working if you think you .can have him at your parents every year

You can do all the fun stuff after or before

@bigchris but why? I'm the one who makes all the effort, I've got my son the present he asked for and lots of lovely stocking stuff. My ex hasn't even given DS his birthday present from September.

If it were me id have an early Christmas with dc with all the gifts that i brought. Then ex can pick him up and take him and id go spend chrissy with my family. Its not ur responsibility to buy presents from him aswell and its not your responsibility to get him there either

Agree with PP, alternate Christmas is best. You can give him his presents another day. My kids are with their dad this year from Xmas eve til 27th, it wouldn't be my favourite way to do it but it's the reality when you're separated I'm afraid.

Based on your last update, can I just ask why this frankly bizarre set up is still continuing?

You're not together. You both need to move on now and create new traditions and boundaries. Frankly, I don't think it's healthy how you are conducting it. You can still be a team for your child without acting like you are basically still in a relationship (with someone you've just said is a bit shit)

I find this set up very bizarre too. My and my ex alternate Christmas with our 6 year old DD.

I know this is relationships but YABU. It's your ex's turn and possibly the last Christmas they will have as a family. Why don't you go to yours and your DS with your ex to his? I think you are being a bit selfish only thinking about how you feel and having 'done stockings'.

So your ex expects you to buy and pay for all DS's birthday/Christmas gifts and doesn't buy his own? I would make it very clear to your ex that he is responsible for sorting his own gifts out.

I would agree to DS spending Christmas with his dad and family (as it is technically his turn) and you spend Christmas with your family. Your ex should buy his own gifts for your son. You can then have a separate "Christmas" either before or after and give DS your gifts then.

I really admire your determination to remain an amicable ex couple for the benefit of your son but it should be clear that you are separate as not to confuse your son or give him any false hopes of his parents reconciling. It is unusual for ex's and family to holiday together and to spend more than a few hours together over the festive period.
If or when either of you meet a new partner and this arrangement stops then it could cause you massive resentment from your DS who may "blame" a new partner.