To what extent do you "marry into a family"?

[Justajot]

DH and I tend to socialise fairly separately. He also has hobbies that he participates in as often as he can. I generally don't expect him to come to see my family or extended family unless it's a major event as he's pretty busy, it takes a big chunk of time and almost always clashes with something he would rather do. He comes from a small family, so isn't used to as many family events.

I'm trying to work out what is considered normal. DH and I are happy as we are, but my family sometimes comment on his absence.

No rules of thumb here.
All depends on what works for you two.
For me - I don’t tend to want to ‘marry into family’ and be obliged to attend too many events.
Life is just way too busy between kids, my own family/social life and all other commitments.

You seem to have a good balance that works for you. And if someone on your side asks again - just be honest and say he is busy.

Not at all. It’s a patriarchal leftover. I like my ILs, and they are a huge and united bunch, and all of DH’s siblings and nephews and nieces’ spouses and partners have definitely ‘married in’ to the clan, but that’s not my my style.

My dh isn't as used to as many family events as me we've always gathered for birthdays anniversaries just a few sarnies and cake nothing major, he doesn't come to every one of them just the big ones, he always willing and offers his help with any redecorating or heavy lifting, I am currently at his mum's (2nd night) taking care of her (and her dogs) as she is extremely ill with flu and veen in bed for 4 days straight

It really depends on the couple, there’s no right or wrong. Personally I believe no matter how much you might feel part of your partner’s family, you’ll always be an outsider, and it’ll make your head spin how fast they’ll close ranks on you if the relationship goes south (even if you’re the wronged party). So as much as I enjoy spending time with OH’s family, I bear in mind i’m only there due to my role as OH’s partner and don’t get too comfortable or take it as a given.

I’d do anything to care for OH’s family in the same way as I would for mine (the ones I’m close to and who respect and care for me too), I think a nice thing about relationships i caring for each other’s family. It’s an expression of your love for your partner and acceptance of them and the people they love. But if it becomes taken for granted or one sided then it stops.

Some couples really believe in the idea that a relationship is two families coming together, whereas others are far more individualistic and believe it’s about them as a couple only and who they’re related to should have no bearing on the relationship. No right or wrong.

Your situation sounds perfectly normal, couples don’t have to be joined at a hip, if you’re happy with the amount of time he spends with your family and he is too then that’s great, chances are your family either have a bit of an old fashioned view that couples ought to always be together, or they just say it because it’s something to say, small talk, it’s quickly visible he isn’t there and a mutual topic to mention.

Are they just saying stuff like ‘no John today? What’s he up to?’ or more pointed comments like ‘he never seems to come along, has he got something better to do?’

are you genuinely fine with it or do you feel a bit embarrassed by him not attending? And is that because you wish he would but don’t feel you have the right to ask? Or more because you feel it reflects poorly on you in front of family?

I think it depends on your partner's relationship with their family.

I think if you marry someone who spends a lot of time with their family, they will probably (and not unreasonably) expect you to come along at least some of the time.

But it would probably become clear what both partner's expectations are well before the actual wedding, unless the family are funny about unmarried couples.

@vietnamesecrispyfish

Personally I believe no matter how much you might feel part of your partner’s family, you’ll always be an outsider, and it’ll make your head spin how fast they’ll close ranks on you if the relationship goes south (even if you’re the wronged party).

So true! I've seen this many times, unfortunately.

We go to major significant events. That included birthdays, weddings, holy communions etc.

Generally of the other inlaws are there...he'll be there.... unless of course his team are playing football... then he'll come later on.

DH and I are perfectly happy with the way we arrange things, it's just the comments from my extended family that grate. My parents are fine with whatever we do and I thought that the death of the generation above them would be the end of comments about DH it going to every event, but apparently not. To be honest it's just irritating and I'm concerned that I am just going to end up being rude by finally telling them that DH isn't interested in their events.

I am grateful to know that being joined at the hip isn't a requirement for all couples. Thanks for your replies.

I don't think there is a normal but it's sensible to be on the same page before settling down. Luckily my DH and I don't have big families and I actually get on better with his extended family than mine.

BIL married someone with a big family and it has been quite challenging as he is pretty introverted.

I think it depends on what you see as marriage. For me and my husband (and his culture) when we married, I did not just marry him but his whole family. Family is very important to us and if he had a family event and I was not there then that would put a strain our relationship and his family would be offended.

Again it really depends on you guys though. My circumstances is different as my husband is not from the UK so his culture is completely different. However, my parents love my husband and he loves spending time with them.

We both go to each other's family events as much as possible. Neither of us have families so massive they are constant though. We are usually talking odd low key events for parents/siblings birthdays then 1-2 bigger events per year.

I don't think there's a right or wrong way, if you are both happy I see no issue.

We make time for family events. We don’t always accompany each other to friends events though.

Like you OP my family is huge, think 25 immediate family members and almost 90 of us all together. When you start dating or marry into our family you get your partner but you also get the rest of them. We’re a package deal and you’ll be called, messaged and loved to the point you feel like your suffocating. I have less to do with family events and things than the rest of the family because it’s too much for me tbh. But all my friends who have small and distant families adore mine and the craziness that comes with it. The guy I have a ‘odd’ relationship with hasn’t seen his paternal grandparents in two years, there’s been no falling out but there hasn’t been a reason for either of them to visit each other. He’s also always busy and doing things and so is his family, they all like to do their own thing. However he was hinting at wanting to come to a family wedding where around 40 of my family would be at once (I didn’t realise till after the fact) and now he’s hinting about a NYE invite where there will be around 20/30 relatives because he wants to meet my family and he wants them to like him. So he seems quite happy to fully join my crazy brood with no prompting.