Am I jinxed?

[bumblebee39]

Just had one bad/abusive relationship after another (with some big gaps and plenty of counselling etc.) and wondering if I am just jinxed?

The last one was the worst. I am still trying to get over the destruction left in his wake. Not looking now but don't want to be alone forever either.

Have you found love after abusive relationships? Is there hope for the future?
What can I do to protect myself and my kids from going through hell again?

Tia xx

Sorry to hear this OP but I doubt you are 'jinxed'. Unfortunately there are a lot of assholes out there and you've just been 'unlucky'. I feel the same. My first boyfriend (I was only 18) was for 4 years and he used to get violent when drunk. He was a thoroughly unpleasant guy. The second (father of my kids) was for 16 years but he was emotionally abusive and became worse and worse over the years. The 3rd (and last one) was only for 7 months but he turned out to be a manipulative lying alcoholic. Go figure?
I think you just have to try and learn from your mistakes. Look for any warning signs and don't invest too early. Take things VERY slowly and do not introduce your kids until its been at least a year next time.
I think the more we experience bad relationships, the less we will tolerate. I have some very specific 'requirements' not and there are lots of things that I will now class as red flags.

No you are not jinxed but you may be codependent and or otherwise repeating unhealthy relationship patterns from childhood. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

If you have not completed the Freedom programme run by Women’s aid, I would suggest you do this and ASAP. Love your own self for a change too.

I did the freedom programme after abusive relationship 1

Spent (quite a lot) of time alone but still ended up back with an abuser more than once. They are getting cleverer and nastier not nicer and more suitable despite my best efforts.

I think both my parents are possibly codependent (or were when they were together at least) but they are both happily remarried now (not to each other)
I'd love that one day but just don't see it happening for me

I seem to be an arsehole magnet

I would consider whay you learnt about relationships when you were growing up because you learnt a lot of damaging lessons. You likely learnt how to be codependent from your parents and that needs to be unlearnt.

I would look at further counselling via Women’s aid, there is some stuff here that still needs to be unpicked and this rot likely started in your own childhood.

Also, keep doing the Freedom Programme. As you know it's a revolving programme and you can go around and around! Or perhaps train to be a facilitator?

I used to go to a Women's Aid support group (now defunct, sadly) and I think those of us who have been in abusive relationships could do with ongoing peer support -

Eg in this group if one of us started falling for the shit of their abuser we were all there to pop the bubble. We did it for one another, as it's harder to see our own relationship with clarity, we need others.

There's an addictive element to abusive relationships I think.

Have you been to CoDA or read any Melodie Beattie?

Read one of her books on codependency don't remember which one now
It was very interesting
I must dig it out xx

I'd highly recommend the codependent 12 steps book by melody Beattie. Doing the exercises and reading the book (with someone to help me through it from coda) has been a total game changer. I am no longer attracted to abusive men. This has worked to unpick the childhood messages (atilla is right - it is all the messages we got in childhood that makes us easy prey for these abusers) and I am so different from who I was before I did this.

Looking at Coda to attend a meeting but can't because I have the kids and nobody to babysit

If I can find a sitter I will try and go though
I have one of the Melody Beattie books as I said, but don't think it has 12 steps in it? I don't remember now and not sure where it is but will hunt it out

I am waiting for domestic abuse therapy and/or trauma therapy so hopefully that will help more than counselling did

The 12 step book will come with CoDA which is a 12 step fellowship. Sounds like Nice was working with a CoDA sponsor?

i do hope you get childcare sorted so you can go along xx

Me too @springydaff

You can buy the 12 step book on Amazon. I did work with a sponsor. They don't have coda meetings where I live but I believe it may be similar to al anon.

No not jinxed but you are a product of NPD relationship abuse.

This phrase is telling, that they're getting cleverer and smarter. I'm a way that shows progress on your part because you're weeding them out.

Self actualisation is key.

Ex's definitely NPD possibly psychopathic...

Kind of sick of the answer always being to do more work on myself 😂 I don't think narcissists bother work on themselves, they're far too busy destroying other people

I've spent so much of my life trying to fix myself I sometimes think maybe it's not me who's broken? All I've ever tried to do was love people and it just breaks me more each time because they get smarter and nastier

I'm sorry OP. I know it sucks and seems MOMENTUALLY unfair. It is unfair.

Ok but you've asked the right question, why am I repeating abusive relationahips?

The issue is, you're a target. To pick up multiple ones and have sustained damage means that in all probability, you're very empathic.

If you're abuse clear right now, then this is the time not to work on yourself par sae but to become truly self aware and guard yourself via knowledge on deflecting the two biggest Hoover's. The Seduction Hoover and the Grand Initial Hoover.

These two are tough to crack but there are ways and means.

People who suffer from NPD are not capable of love, despite what they might say. You are very capable of love. Too capable. Some of my kind talk frankly about what is sometimes perceived as a curse. There have been times when I have cursed it.

The effects of abuse make you feel utterly worthless and without value. This then makes you just a little bit more susceptible to the next one.

I have a friend who is aware he's has NPD and we talk lot. I also consult HG Tudor. There is a third who comes back around from time to time. I love that one very much. But he taught me a lesson, he showed me who I was and why I matter. That gave me back my self respect and helped me regain my dignity.

You need to flip it. Rather than seeing yourself as have no worth, know how unusual you are and That you're priceless. Read Tudor OP.

Ive watched some of his YouTube @Renarde1975 but not read the books will have a look xx

Definately the books. And narcsite.com too

Start with Fuel.

Can you take a small sleeping child to a coda meeting or not? Tia xx

From reflecting back on my own relationship history, and observing others, I see the biggest mistake that women make time and time again is forgiveness and acceptance.

Too willing to overlook the warning signs; too quick to accept flaws; too easy to forgive...

In all these cases, there will have been signs you just haven't been able to see them. That's not to say it's your fault! Not at all. But be a little less forgiving and accepting next time. x

I can definitely see there is an addictive quality and that because I jump in feet first I might miss things

It makes me feel so dispirited thinking I've got to be sceptical of every body and untrusting in the future. I mean, I refuse to be like that in my friendships but I have to be in my relationships now. It's upsetting.

I'm good with being on my own right now (and for a while) but forever feels like a tall order

The only thing worse than being lonely is being lonely with someone though...

Dear OP, I totally get that it seems unfair that you are the one who has to work on themself, when it is the other people who are wrong. But do you see that if you don't, you are like someone who is saying, 'why should I shut my windows? Other people just shouldn't steal!'

Thieves are what they are, and we can only take precautions against them. Ditto toxic people.

But the massive up-side is that when you sort out your boundaries and 'fill your own buckets' (by loving yourself), then you change your relationships with everyone, and life gets better and better.

Wishing you loads of luck for your future xxxx

Thanks @ChristmasFluff
I do get the analogy and think I do know that unfortunately life is (very) unfair sometimes
I think I was in victim mode when I write the OP but it's not a place I like to be
As you said, there are ways to protect ourselves
(Also prevention is better than cure)

I have reread my freedom programme literature and am revising it regularly but I do think the program has some gaps and I did do it along time ago

I am hoping to educate myself further and start some long term counselling or therapy as well as investigating other avenues of self growth

I don't know when I'll be ready (or even if I'll ever be ready) to let someone in again but if/when I do I want to make sure I am as prepared as possible.

I think I'd started slacking on those things (self education and self work etc.) when I met most recent ex and he got in because I wasn't as hot on my stuff as I needed to be (and was feeling badly about myself)

I can't live through another relationship like the last. Like I genuinely think it would kill me. So I need to put the work in and keep putting it in, I do know that but it still seems unfair when it the answer is always to do more