Terrible at relationships

[Youmatter]

I know it’s a me problem.

I’ve never had a huge group of friends but the friends I have are honestly the best bunch. I have no complaints. At all. Infact I’m often overwhelmed with how much my best friend helps me.

The problem is relationships with men. I’m terrible. I just can’t seem to let a man into my life. I will go out, I’ll meet people, swap numbers and they’re always interested in more.

I am not scared to commit as I’d consider myself a very loyal person, I get very scared at the thought of opening up and letting a person into my life.

I don’t think I would be very good at it. My life seems to consist of brief flings and keeping a lot of distance emotionally between me and the potential partner.

Honestly it just feels like I’ve had a bunch of ONS.

I love when you meet someone and you have that initial spark, the banter and the talking about everything. I’ve just never got by that stage.

What do you think is wrong with me?

Hi OP,

I'm very much the same as you. I'm divorced , my marriage only lasted 7 years it was my decision to end it as I don't know if I was ever totally in love with him but found myself feeling very cold & distant to him from very early on we limped on but the last 2 years were totally void of sex & affection despite him trying. I've had a few short failed relationships in the 10 years since but always got dumped. It seems to me after the initial attraction no man could develop deeper feelings for me definitely not enough to form a lasting relationship.

These experiences made me put up barriers that I am finding hard to let down in my current relationship.. we have been together 5 months but have history where he couldn't commit to anything more than fwb.. I was annoying & needy back then but in the 2 years we were apart the hurt I felt from his treatment & my very low self esteem made me build the barriers higher.: he is a very different person this time round & things are good but I can't help sometimes being so cold towards him.. I think if I don't admit my true feelings towards him I'm saving face if it goes tits up..the truth is I don't feel like I'm good enough or loveable so I'm just waiting for him to end it .. I'm hoping in time I'll feel secure enough to defrost more..

I definitely believe you have to love yourself before anyone else will love you

What do you think we can do to feel ‘worth it’ like what would your advice to me be?

I’d tell you that just from that message, you laid a little bit of your heart out. You tried to make me feel comfortable by being relatable and it worked. I can tell that you’re intelligent and articulate and know your flaws. And you absolutely deserve to be loved.

I want to learn to love myself, I hear people saying it all the time but they never tell you how.

I hope we both come out of our freezers soon, you sound like an amazing person ❤️

@Youmatter

Beautiful response thank you.. it's obvious from that alone that you have an amazing warm heart, maybe it's not us maybe we have made the wrong choices?

I know in those 2 years I have grown as a person by losing the weight I desperately wanted to lose but it has done only a tiny amount to improve my self esteem, I also got a job in the field I'd trained in so am happier & proud to be a working single mum. But then that's where I hit a block I've no idea how to improve my self worth further. I look in the mirror & see someone ageing, less fat but still unattractive. I come home from work & feel overwhelmed by family life & responsibilities.. I'm sure many people do but I take it as failure!

I try the positive thinking route that I've read in self help books.. like each day point out as many good points as you can but that doesn't seem to put me on a high for longer than a day or 2.

I'll say mine are:
I'm healthy.
I'm independent.
I'm strong.
I'm caring.
I've brought up 2 children singlehanded.
I work.
I'm down to earth.
I'm friendly.
I take pride in my appearance.

What would your 'selling points' be?

Aww thanks! I find it hard to speak like this in person, in fact I wouldn’t!

Ohhh you lost weight? How much and how long did it take? Well done!

I’m really not sure of my selling points right now but I’ll keeo thinking about them. I look alright, but that means absolutely nothing.