Should I end my marriage?

[Pumkinfailure]

I have posted before and I guess I’m posting again to try and bring some clarity to my mind and to get some fresh perspective.
In a nutshell I’m torn over whether to end my marriage. We’ve been together 20 years, 2 school aged kids. I have a successful professional career. He works part time in his own business around the kids. This allows me to work the hours I do and succeed in my chosen field.
He does all the washing/ironing/school stuff/after school stuff.
I do all the adult stuff, mortgages/savings/admin/holidays/anything that requires filling in a form or money.
I love him, he’s a great dad.
My issue is he’s shit with money. Lots of debt from his business that I suspect makes a loss but he has no books to speak of so I can be sure. I pay off his business debts frequently and in the past he has hidden significant debts that I’ve paid off after discovering them.
I suspect we would be better off if he gave up work but I can’t be sure, and I can’t make an informed decision as he has no idea what he earns. He doesn’t want to give up work and working for someone else is not an option due to our childcare needs.
I THINK my issue is resentment at having to work so hard to keep us financially secure, often 70+ hour weeks without a day off.
I think I’m resentful at having all the financial responsibility and I’m resentful that he is unable to do any ‘adult’ stuff. For example we need life insurance but he would never sort it out or even be aware it’s needed.
I think he would be happy marrying a local girl and living a modest life whereas I have dragged him into a middle class life that he doesn’t suit. I know that sounds snobby but I value a nice house, car and holidays. I admire that he doesn’t need such things but that makes us very different.
Every time I go to work I’m resentful. Tonight I’m working until late and I’m tired, so tired.
I have had the conversation so many times with myself, should we split, he is unable to sort his business out despite repeated offers to help and avoids any conversations about it.
I love him but our lives are so different. I’m so resentful and I’m so tired.
Would appreciate any advice!!!!!

Personally I think you are selfish. What would it cost you to pay for the child care, the house work and all? More than you sink into the business? I can understand you wanting to get a financial overview and possibly helping/encouraging make some business plan/adaptions to minimize losses/make profit. I cannot understand you valuing the work he does so little. I assume having a boss he would not be as free doing all the child care and stuff.

I can’t think of anything on the emotional side...although huge resentment is toxic for any kind of relationship.

I would finding a really good family lawyer and looking at possible divorce scenarios would really help you decide.

You need more information, particularly about potential arrangements for your children. Your H may well be considered the primary carer, so you need to get advice on the possibilities there. Good luck.

Deep water- I think I’ve not explained myself properly. I would rather he gave up work all together , I’m resentful that his business is costing us money rather than making any and that he lies and hides his debts. I estimate I’ve paid off over £100k over the years that could have gone to our family. I’m resentful that he can’t tell me what he earns or loses. I feel I’m working to give other people free work.

If he’s in business, then he must have accounts and a tax return done each year so he is just fobbing you off when he says he doesn’t know what he makes.
The only way he wouldn’t do this is if it’s a hobby business not done to make a profit. In which case, it must be a very expensive hobby!
Ask to see his tax returns. Doesn’t matter if he does them himself, they will still have figures on them. Only you can then decide whether you need to control all the purse strings.

His tax returns consistently show a loss but he’s insistent he can make it work and that he does make money

I think legally you need to make sure that the business can't touch you with its debt and then let it sink. No more bail outs. Be up front about it. Say one more lie and it's divorce.

Get good legal advice re divorce so you know what the score really is.

Then make a decision. Or let the decision come to you when he lies again.

Divorce usually costs more money. So u pay lawyers, money to run 2 homes. You may have to pay him maintenance as he could argue his career took a back seat for looking after children. He might want custody of kids, so if he did get it or joint then his place would have to be large enough. If he then got in debt and kids were with him at least part of time, it would affect them... maybe reduce some of ur expectations for nice house/holidays? Would the kids prefer parents together or holidays? But resentment isn’t good - could counselling help? It’s great that you love him and see his good points too. Can you hang on to that? Could you get a less pressured job and help him keep his books? Maybe also you’ll get more time to spend with your kids.

OK... So you need to ask him for accounts month by month..
Tell him he has till this April to show a profit..... Or to cut back on expenses...
Wondering what he does.

Could you get an accountant to consult with him and do his books for him? An external person might make him face reality, and if you're paying out these sums, it'd be worth it to know that he is paying the correct taxes etc and you don't end up fucked over by HMRC at some point.

Also, it means you're not the one standing over him and telling him what to do.

So you‘d be fine for him to give up all work. Would you pay for a hobby for him to pursue, as a compensation for his house work, child rearing work? Or does he get paid a salary for it? How much does he get for this house work and is he free to spend it however he likes? If he gets nothing for it and depends on your generosity it is the classic arrangement, no?
I find these kind of arrangements and the disregard for wife work that come with it offputting in the classic scenarii. Not sure why I should see it differently when roles are reversed.

Put him to one side for a moment. Are you happy working the hours you do. Is the house car etc giving you the returns you want. If not restructure your work life balance before considering leaving DH. Also to be really brutal your husband is the primary carer .... you might loose out with the children if you divorced. If you weren’t earning as much and he worked more you might all be a bit more satisfied with your lot. And for the record my DH has never done adult paper work stuff it is annoying but even if I divorce him I’m still doing paper work....

My issue is he’s shit with money. Lots of debt from his business that I suspect makes a loss but he has no books to speak of so I can be sure. I pay off his business debts frequently and in the past he has hidden significant debts that I’ve paid off after discovering them.

He’s not running a business. He has a very expensive self indulgent hobby that you are bankrolling.

It’s not making money, it’s not going to, it’s just a fantasy on his part.

Go to an account - map all his earnings, his outgoings, all the accounts and see for yourself where all the money is going.

Take the accounts etc to a business mentor to see if they think the business can ever be sorted out.

I suspect the figures (or the lack of them) will horrify you when you see them in black and white.

I couldn’t live like this personally.

Thank you for the replies, they have helped me think much more clearly. The business mentor is a good idea.