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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Committed commitment-phobe

8 replies

siroca · 16/12/2018 16:38

Hi.

My boyfriend of six months, who since day one has always been completely committed on about every level has recently told me he's a commitment-phobe and doesn't know if he will ever be the type of person to want a lifelong commitment. I had to drag this statement out of him because it definitely wasn't the impression he gave with his actions towards me which have shown a very different picture.

Yes, he has some baggage which makes the timing we met a bit unfortunate to say the least, and yes, he's only had bad experiences of LTRs in the past so I am empathetic to how he feels (although less empathetic to him not being upfront) and ideally he would have had a year of being single before we met. It didn't happen that way though and from our first date we were peas in a pod.

After he came out with this revelation, I was shocked, hurt and angry and I broke up with him saying I wanted love in my life and a possibility of permanence with the person I was with and if he'd already decided he might never want that and didn't even want to want it, then I couldn't invest in him anymore.

He's obviously upset we split up and I can see he misses me a lot. It was obvious throughout our relationship that he really doted on me and I think we're in love with each other so all this feels sad for both of us.

I just wanted some "no nonsense" opinions on this if someone has the time for some input. know all this is a grey area answer for most people because no one knows what the future holds but I am just banging my head against the wall in hurt and frustration that I looked for years for a relationship that was this right, finally found it and feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me.

He wants to see me (I think though to say goodbye rather than put up a fight).

OP posts:
Feckers2018 · 16/12/2018 16:45

I'd believe what he said and stay away. if he was totally smitten he wouldn't have said it would he? Keep your dignity and don't see him.

pissedonatrain · 16/12/2018 16:46

As much as it hurts, you did the right thing. He probably wants a goodbye shag or talk you into a fwb thing. I wouldn't meet him again. Too painful. If you were to continue with him, he already told you his get out of jail free card so after he wasted a few more years of your time, he can say but I told you I wasn't into anything long term.

siroca · 16/12/2018 17:08

Thanks guys. He was asking if we could be friends and I would still be in his life and I did say no to that but I was tempted to meet him to say goodbye as all this happened over text. I am not sure what I am expecting, I can't wrap my head around anyone feeling this way about life /relationships

OP posts:
AnaViaSalamanca · 16/12/2018 19:34

stay away from him, don;t be friends, don't keep in touch, start dating other people. he might miss you and decide to come back and commit and you can assess then, but if someone says that to you, it is pretty final so you did the right thing.

Feckers2018 · 16/12/2018 20:01

Well definately don't meet him then. He just doesnt want to feel bad about himself so wants to stay friends. Just no or otherwise he'll mess you around. Be firm and strong. If you meet him you will regret it. He may come back if you hold firm.

BE2BN2BE · 16/12/2018 20:12

Keep away. Don’t contact. It’s the only way you’ll get out without causing yourself further hurt. I really feel for you. I’ve been in a similar situation where my ex told me he wanted to be with me, move, have a life together. After 16 months he turns around and says he can’t move, can’t raise another mans child. I was/ am crushed. But he was the one who chased me, he did everything he could at the beginning to show he was interested but looking back at his previous relationships it seems to be a pattern. If your now ex can say it to you now as would take it as he means it and go and find someone who can appreciate how amazing you are.

siroca · 16/12/2018 20:40

It would really be a lot easier if people just had the capacity to know their own limits and communicate them. A few years ago I was dating someone after a breakup, and I said to him from day one "I am not ready for anything serious, and this will never be long term". Then it was his choice. So simple...people just seem to lack self awareness or be willing to BS you. It just annoys me that I don;t get my six months back.

OP posts:
Worrynot1 · 17/12/2018 11:44

Life is too short for commitment

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