I've been posting here lately about my concerns about not meeting a life partner. I'm really starting to panic about it. But in the back of my mind, and triggered by a few threads I've read lately, and hormones and feeling lonely, I'm suddenly so sad about what I've been through in the last year, after having years of stable long term relationships with emotionally healthy men.
I was seeing a man who was totally emotionally unavailable, manipulative and abusive. Of course, I didn't see it at the time, but all the warning signs were there. He hurt me so much. After I couldn't take anymore, I walked away, and did so well the first 2-3 months. I've taken up new hobbies, started working out again. Even started to do online dating and went on a date with a lovely guy, but didn't feel the spark. We both acknowledged it was our first dates getting back out there and thanked each other for making it so easy and nice. All in all, life was good.
But in the last month or so, I just feel so sad, so hurt, so embarrassed it's like I'm only processing things now. The guy I was seeing would betlittle me, not compliment me ever despite looking and commenting at other women all the time, he dumped me straight after sex in bed once, would flip flop about his feelings for me constantly, said I look like an older women, he held my arms and started to shake me when he was annoyed I wouldn't have sex with him, would often say he'd never got the women he wanted, that I didn't have an allure that other women had etc. Whenever I'd tried to walk, he would say he was confused, he'd never been in a relationship before. I'd try to walk, but he'd convinced me to continue. He'd always go back to his hurtful, bitter ways though. I carried on because I felt for him so strongly, the last time I felt like this was 10 years ago, it hit me so hard, he ticked so many of the boxes. Stupid me, huh. All my friends were absolutely appalled by him. He is a late starter in life, due to mental health problems, but I thought I'd give him a try.
Unsurprisingly, I think turned out to be a misogynist - admitted to sleeping with prostitutes, he would say all women are after is money, that he's a loser for not having a job, because that's all women want etc. He always seemed bitter and resentful, yet also had a huge ego and self entitlement. Something always felt very off with him. I thought he may have just been depressed while going through a tough time. He would often tell me about his short temper, he would sometimes say his mother was quite worried about him.
At first, I was so relieved when I walked - I blocked him. So why is it catching up now? I have been angry for a while, but to stop feeling the anger, I've tried to forget him, but I end up feeling lonely, miss him, then need to remember all the bad things etc and I re-live all the hurt again. It's been a constant cycle for around a month or so and it's exhausting. I thought I'd be completely over him and it by now.
I am struggling to look in the mirror some days, think I'm ugly and aging (even though men stop and glare at me in the street, on the tube etc every day - he even noticed this and commented that it was simply because of my ethnicity), and I think I'm just past it. Who would want me? Men my age want women in their 20s! I know it's all entirely irrational and normal after abuse, and i shouldn't feel this way, but I do. People often comment that I look ten years younger than I do. I am slim, take care of myself and work out. And most importantly, I am a good, decent and considerate human being.
I am seeing a therapist, she is lovely, and knows all the history as I was seeing her during my 'relationship' with him. She told me to end things early on, and told me he sounded manipulative, but of course I didn't listen.
Not sure what to do. Just accept I'm going to feel like crap for a while and hopefully time will heal? I just hate the anger, it's so tiring and oppressive.
I'm a smart women - or so I thought I was - and always able to move on quite logically from break ups. But I guess this is getting past more than just a break up, but an assault on who I am at this difficult time in my time.
I guess I would welcome some kind words and support. Thanks very much.