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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How can I get him to leave?

9 replies

StandAndBeCounted · 16/12/2018 15:32

My husband became emotionally and psychologically abusive a few months ago. We've been together for years and have 2 children. This was totally oit of character for him. He was displaying typical guilty behaviour and going out a lot. I suspected an affair and confronted him often, but he totally gaslighted me and made me feel like I was going mad.

A couple of weeks ago he admitted it. I asked him to leave. He refused and begged forgiveness. I said I could never forgive him. He carried on in denial for a week or so then my brother talked to him and he agreed to leave. I felt much calmer knowing he was going. The day after we told the children he completely turned around and said he's not going again. He is messing with the kids minds, crying on their shoulders and telling them he doesn't want to go. Making me look like the bad guy because we haven't told them what he's done.

I have told him repeatedly it's over and I want him to leave but he is just ignoring me . Saying he won't go and he will show me he's the same man I married?

What can I do? I don't want to leave because I don't want to uproot the children on top of everything else and it's my bloody home and I'm not the one who fucked someone else

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 16/12/2018 15:40

As you are no longer interested after his behaviour...the only way is to file for divorce and buy him out or vice versa.

Tell him that ship has sailed regarding him being the man you married. That he messed up and you aren't able to forgive.

Youmatter · 16/12/2018 15:43

Bastard!

He’s using your children too and doesn’t even care.

Pack his stuff. And if you’re scared of being on your own call your brother, call your whole family and watch him leave together. There’s no going back from this and this shows it.

They’ll also help the kids.

And when he’s gone get the locks changed.

Please get someone round. Don’t ever feel like you’re on your own.

You certainly aren’t here. I’m so sorry this has happened to you, but I think you are handling it so well ❤️

StandAndBeCounted · 16/12/2018 15:57

I am starting divorce proceedings tomorrow, but that will take months and in the mean time I have to continue to live with him and allow him to keep messing with the kids heads?

I have told him the ship has sailed and I can't forgive him repeatedly. He just ignores me and says he'll show me.

I considered packing his stuff and sending it to our friends house who has said he can stay there when he next goes to work. But apparently since we own the house together it's illegal for me to change the locks and I think he'll just come back and it will be unsettling for the kids

OP posts:
Youmatter · 16/12/2018 15:59

You can contact the police and tell them his is emotionally abusive and you can’t go on. They can be there to facilitate him leaving. And they can be contacted if he comes back.

The longer you hold off the worse it will get

IceRebel · 16/12/2018 16:01

How old are the children? If he's crying all over them making you out to be the bad guy I would (If they are old enough) tell them what he has done.

lifebegins50 · 16/12/2018 16:25

Filing for divorce is the way to go...or you could ask him for a period of separation so he moves out and you see if you can rebuild. Tell him that him staying is counter productive and if he is serious about rebuilding then he needs to respect your wishes. Does he think he can bully you into falling back in love?

How old are the dc? What was the marriage like pre affair? I understand however as the lying has made you unable to trust him.

StandAndBeCounted · 16/12/2018 17:18

The children are 8 and 9. I've said all that. He just dismisses me. I could call the police, but I thought they wouldn't be able to make him leave as he part owns the house?

OP posts:
Youmatter · 16/12/2018 17:24

This is an abuse thing they can and will help you. Do not under play whst is happening and take action.

This time of year domestic abuse soars, please put yourself and the children first. Do not be scared to involve police and family.

You can keep putting it off but it will only get worse

deepwatersolo · 16/12/2018 18:28

You need to tell the children imo. Or you could threaten to tell the children if he does not leave. Where does he sleep now? Surely you can demand he respect your boundaries and relegate him to some place in the house, where he does not get in your way, like the basement?

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