Is there any chance of change?

[Addictedtocustardcreams]

Recently my husband crossed a line as he pushed me during an argument. This is on the background of increasingly angry episodes and starting to be a bit controlling over money. He has agreed to have some counselling, but I asked him to move out for a bit to do this and he has refused.
Is there any hope for our relationship when he has started with this type of behaviour? I really don’t think he used to be like this and it seems to have all developed since his dad died which he hasn’t coped well with. I guess what I am wondering is whether this could be related to grief he hasn’t dealt with and so if he has some counselling and comes to terms with things if that might improve his behaviour.

There's a chance but I think you should consider leaving him.

It's hard to say but typically it can't be viewed with a huge amount of hope if I'm honest Addicted.

With the circumstances you say though, it could be as a result of the death of his dad but what you need to make ABSOLUTELY clear is that this is his FINAL warning right here. You do NOT accept and you will NOT tolerate any repeat of this and he's got this one chance to sort it out. No prevaricating about the counselling or taking ages to get it done, letting it slide... he's got to be on it and he's got to proactively pursue it.

Ideally you'd have wanted to see the following when he pushed you: Jeez Addicted, I can't believe I just pushed you, it's totally unacceptable; I'm going to find a counsellor next week because that just wasn't ok". He 'says' he's going to have counselling. Let's see. The thing with that is, you don't know for sure if he's going or when he stops if the counsellor had actually finished the work they needed to do with him or not. But it is his problem to sort out - currently from what you've said it doesn't sound like a matter suitable for couple's counselling.

Are there any other things going on in how he behaves?

My dad died and I haven't felt the need to push anyone. If I did, I'd feel I deserved to be dumped.

I agree that the counselling thing can’t be allowed to drag on without any action from him. It worries me that he thinks it is less of a big deal than I do.
Since I told him his behaviour was unacceptable and the only chance of continuing this relationship was if he tried to deal with his issues there has been a further episode of his anger. On that occasion I tried to end an argument we were having because he was getting angry and went for a shower. He opened the bathroom door from the outside and refused to leave the room.

Well done for the positive steps you have taken. The counselling is a good idea, but also get some individual counselling for yourself as well.

Also recommend reading this book: www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforum-21

Counselling AND anger management, plus the right sort of attitude towards it, in an otherwise good and caring relationship with no history of aggression towards me or anyone else. Everyone has a point at which they snap under stress, but some things are over the boundary line of what is acceptable in a relationship.

For me a push is somewhere around the boundary line as a first offence in a long established relationship (not in a new one, always ditch that partner), but depends a lot on the specific details as to which side it falls on.

I would watch carefully and wait to see what he does, if he's happy to brush under the carpet because you've not arranged the counselling that's pretty damning.

What sort of things trigger these angry arguments OP??

Arguments have been triggered by a range of things. Previously my poor relationship with his mum which I do understand is upsetting for him, but the one where he pushed me was because I didn’t “stick up for him” when he told my brother he wanted to buy a new fridge freezer and my brother said that was a bit silly as ours is quite new.

What makes you think he wants counselling? Has he shown any signs of being utterly appalled at himself? If so, surely he would have gone and booked himself some counselling already?

He hasn't because he does not want to change. He is totally OK with the way he is. He has made that clear to you over recent weeks, hasn't he? Why won't you believe what he is telling you and showing you?

Being pushed around, shouted at, financially controlled, this is your new normal. He likes it. It makes you compliant like a good little woman. He has completely ignored your ultimatum. He tested you soon afterwards and really made the point: he didn't even let you run and hide in the bathroom.

He's told you now, so in his mind the punch that comes soon will be deserved because you have been told.

The second argument 'reason' sounds utterly childish (on his part) - to feel he needed to get to a point of pushing you over a bloody fridge freezer! Does that mean you're not entitled to disagree with him - did you think you needed a new fridge freezer?!

I've got to agree that it doesn't sound good OP, as CottonTail says. It's not inconceivable that he either escalates into physical abuse or ramps up the controlling behaviours, or both.

Does his financial control come in the form of 'if I want to buy something (even if it's not needed) it's valid, but if you want to buy something (even if it is needed) then it's not valid'?

I guess what I am wondering is whether this could be related to grief he hasn’t dealt with and so if he has some counselling and comes to terms with things if that might improve his behaviour.

Let's imagine he goes to counselling and it "works" he stops being so angry having dealt with his dad's death. Best case scenario.

Now, his mother get sick. Are you wondering how to support him or are you wondering when he will get angry and push you?

He has shown how he reacts to what is, frankly, a normal life event - the death of a parent. Nearly all of us go through it. We deal with our grief in different ways but it is the rare - and abusive - person who deals with it by getting irrationally angry with the person they are supposed to love best in the world and getting physically violent with them.

I know what I'd do.