Relationship with Mom and Family

[Mom2008]

Hi everyone,

I wonder if I could have people's advice on something. This will be long, so apologies in advance.

I have always had quite a strange relationship with my Mom and two sisters. My younger sister was always the favourite and could do no wrong in my Moms eyes. I don't have a problem with my younger sister at all, but she is close to my mom so we're not particular close. I've always worked full-time and tried to bring my two children up the best I could being a single-parent.

My Mom and my two sisters and their families always did a lot together. They had holidays together and went out for meals and never invited me or my children along. Christmas Day the whole family used to spend it at my younger sisters. However, they would always eat first and just dish a plate up for me and my children, so we were effectively eating on our own, but I continued to go for years. It was only about 5 years ago I started to question why they were like this towards me. Even though I was a single-Mom and worked full-time I didn't hear from my family from one week to the next. Apart from I used to meet my Mom for a coffee for an hour on a Saturday morning. I never used to look forward to this as she mostly criticised how I lived my life.

So about 5 years ago I started thinking more about my relationship with my Mom and Sisters. Rather than just putting up with the criticism I stuck-up for myself and answered back, which you can imagine didn't bode well. I'd also just started a new relationship with someone, that they didn't really approve of.

2 years ago we all went to my sisters for xmas day as usual and we were basically ignored. Then a few days after Christmas I received texts from my Mom and Older Sister saying I had changed since my new relationship and I was now different, at one point I was even called arrogant. Anyway, to cut a long story short I cut down my contact with my Mother and she didn't bother to contact me either. She never tried to see her grandchildren. Christmas and birthdays we all got a card and money. Contact pretty much dwindled to nothing. My son is now in his twenties and has his own flat now and they don't bother with him at all. My daughter is 9 and she still gets the usual card/money at xmas/birthdays but they haven't seen her for 2 years now. I'm actually not that bothered about the no-contact with my sisters, I never really had much of a relationship with them anyway.

I haven't really missed seeing my Mom either, there's not much to miss when I only ever used to see her for an hour a week. I do often think of her though, she is now 80 and I wonder whether I would ever see her again. By the way, she was 80 this year and I wasn't invited to the family celebrations.

So my question is, do I try and contact my Mom again? I've been thinking about it a lot later, especially with it being Christmas. I did put a note in her birthday card about meeting up but she never responded. All of this has effected my mental health and wellbeing and I don't think I could take any more rejection. But how would I feel if I never saw my Mom again.

Your thoughts would be appreciated.

Sorry to hear that they are so callous. I wouldn't make an effort with your mum. She has let you down over the years and will undoubtedly do it again. Save your energy for your children and your friends.
to you

I wouldn't. You can keep banging your head on the same wall if you want to but it will still hurt the same.

PS they sound like a bunch of arseholes. Is there any reason why they might be jealous of you?

thank you both

fc301 I'm not sure tbh but I think it probably stems from both of my parents being very controlling. As I was a single-Mom for many years I think they liked the fact that they were the only people I could rely on (even though I couldn't). They never offered to help, with childcare or anything. When I met my now-husband we fell madly in love and things did move pretty quickly. When he moved in with me my Mom was horrible, she said I was making a big mistake and I would be losing my independence. She was very unfriendly to my husband and never really liked him. We got married after a year together and I never invited any of them to my wedding. I'm sure this fuelled the fire but I knew they would spoil the day if they were invited. I had been married before so didn't want any huge event anyway. We just had my children and his parents there. My older sister hasn't spoke to me since. My husband and I went on to buy our own house and we are extremely happy.

I know that it may have been difficult for them to accept that I was happy and perhaps didn't need them as much now but I don't think totally deleting me from their lives was the answer.

My Son had Sepsis earlier on this year and was very poorly in hospital. My Dad had told my Mom and my sister and they didn't visit or even enquire as to how he was.

I think what hurts more than anything is that my Mom has no contact with her own grandchildren at all.

Are you sure this is someone you would even want in your children lives?
Someone who can't even recognise that the vast majority of adult humans form long term relationships (so why wouldn't you!).
With regards jealousy I still think it's possible :
You sound like you've got your shit together and have built a nice life and family.
You didn't entertain their poor behaviour at your wedding.
The buying a house comment is interesting. My DF was OK when we were a young family of 5 cramped into a small 3 bed, reliant on his help and he lived in the 'big house'.
Since we moved to a (modest) 4 bed (high value as close to London) he's turned into an utter shit.