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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me figure out what to do - stay/leave

10 replies

Nameychangey12 · 16/12/2018 14:01

Hi everyone, name changed for this as you can see. I’ll try not to waffle but my head feels such a mess at the moment.

I’ve been with my partner for 5 years, no kids. We get along great generally and don’t ever argue. For the last couple of months I’ve found myself having thoughts that come and go of ‘not feeling the same’, I haven’t been able to really put my finger on why but the feeling hit me hard last night and has left me feeling really upset and confused.

We’ve had a bit of a tough year, lack of money, no holiday, job changes etc but nothing disasterous and we got through it all fine. Next year we have spoken about buying a house together, potential kids so I’m wondering if I’m just scared?

What is wrong with me?! And what do I do? I feel awful as he hasn’t actually done anything! I’m not good at confronting issues and I’m terrified to say anything a) this close to Christmas and b) I think once this is out, it’s not going back in and will change things no matter what the outcome.

Thank you if you read my brain blurt to the end and any advice would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nameychangey12 · 16/12/2018 14:53

Anyone? I don’t really have anyone in real life I can talk about this with Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Nameychangey12 · 16/12/2018 15:20

Final bump

OP posts:
LosingTheplotMumOf3 · 16/12/2018 15:39

How old are you? You've got to remember people grow and change and maybe you've just outgrown him. You need to decide what you want from life and whether you'd be happy spending the rest of your life in this relationship. Trust me, you have no financial ties with each other and no kids, if you want to leave, leave now before you have all that extra baggage. Everyone deserves to be happy and if you want to spend your life with someone just plodding along that's up to you, but it sounds like you want more from life. It's better to be alone rather than being in a relationship feeling alone.

SandyY2K · 16/12/2018 15:43

Maybe you're just not in love with him anymore.

Are there aspects of his behaviour that give cause for concern?

Is it an equal relationship?

Does he tick your boxes?

crappyday2018 · 16/12/2018 15:45

Hi OP, first thing is not to make any big committments until you get your head straight. Do not buy a house or start trying for a baby.
I'm not sure what advice to give you as no-one can tell you what to do or how you feel.
You can't carry on like this though. Could you try some time apart perhaps? That is usually a good way to know how you feel. If you miss him or not.

Original poster
Nameychangey12 · 16/12/2018 15:45

I’m 23, he is older. I’m also so scared that I’ve made him waste these years with me.

No real concern areas, other than moods but they can be linked to life stresses. We are very equal in terms of doing chores and things like that

OP posts:
LosingTheplotMumOf3 · 16/12/2018 16:08

This may sound patronising, but you are too young to be feeling like this. You should be excited for your future and if a future with him doesn't fill you with excitement and hope truly what is the point? Do you really want to spend another 10 years feeling like this and then having to start life again at the age of 33? Which by the way 33 is not old, but my god you have youth on your side and you should take full advantage of it. Is he happy in the relationship? Sit down with him and have an honest chat, see where he views this going and whether you want to be part of the future he envisions.

category12 · 16/12/2018 16:15

Sounds like you have outgrown him and don't want to settle down with him. That's OK. Better to get out now before you make those lifelong commitments,

OverTheHedgeSammy · 16/12/2018 16:16

You've been with him since you were 18? It's is very likely that you have grown into a different person now. And you should be growing in your early 20s.

What would you like to do? If he wasn't part of the equation, what prospects would excite you? Is it travel? Hobbies? Getting a qualification, taking on a job which would be incompatible with family life? Because it doesn't sound like you've had the chance to just have some fun.

Bebe03 · 16/12/2018 17:13

OP I think the other contributes are right, somebody doesn’t necessarily need to do something bad for you to fall out of love or love them is a platonic sort of way. Don’t buy a house or commit in anyway, I doubt these feelings will go away.

Feelings & people change as you get older and however lovely it is to think we may end up with our childhood sweethearts lots of the time it isn’t feasible for that very reason.

Have a good think about what you want, don’t let guilt hold you back as it isn’t good to stay with somebody you don’t love.

Good luck x

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