DB & SIL constant arguing

[todayiwin]

I think I am going mad and being unreasonable but I'd like opinions before I send myself insane.

We are a close family, speak most days and get together couple of times a month.

DB married early this year, having only known SIL less than a year.

EVERY SINGLE week they argue, they do not agree on anything.

I feel awful as I am now fed up of hearing about their arguments, it goes on and on.

Whatever SIL wants she gets and then doesn't want it! She wanted a kitten .... cat is now no longer wanted.

Christmas is round the corner and I am ANXIOUS, I am hosting, I need to smile and act normal for the sake of DB.

I do only hear DB's side but I've had enough

Are they likely to argue at your house on Christmas Day?

My mum only ever used to complain about a particular friend.

Then one time she wanted a few of us to go to the cinema together.

I said I would find it difficult as I’d only heard bad things about, let’s call her Lily.

So my mum stopped complaining about her, and instead told me some nice things about Lily.

Upshot was that Lily was one of those people who could be a bit aggravating as a little scatty ( always running late and forgetting stuff), but with a kind heart and there when you really needed her.

We went to the cinema and it was all fine.

I’m glad it worked out like that, as after my mum died, Lily made a point of meeting me for coffee a few times to talk about my mum.

Turns out Lily was a little unreliable because she’s the sort who would drop anything for someone struggling.

Anyway, that’s a long way of saying- talk to your DB about this. Tell him the effect it’s having. Ask him to tell you the reasons he’s with DSIL. It could be he’s just venting to you, and it’s nothing that serious.

@pumpkinpie01 yes, likely as DB also has his DD from previous marriage this Christmas.

SIL has kicked off before at the way DB parents DD.

Thanks @TheChristmasBear I understand it could be just a vent and selfishly I am concerned about my own anxiety levels.

She doesn't lift a finger. Lays in bed all morning. DB takes her "breakfast and coffee" in bed.

For my brothers sake I am prepared to "wipe the slate clean" as they say but finding this mortally hard.

I suppose my question is am I being a twat for not being supportive of my brother and is DW?

I think you have to step back from worrying about it. You’re kind to worry about your DB but it’s not your problem and it’s making your anxiety worse.
Your DB is probably venting and because of that, it’s giving an unfair image of the whole relationship.
And give your SIL a chance.

With regard to staying in bed... I do this at my in-laws house as well as going to bed early as a way of escaping the passive aggressive comments and fussing. Your SIL may sense your disapproval of her.
And even if she does it all the time, if your DB is happy to do it, leave him to it.

Tbh, it’s very disrespectful of your DB to bitching about his wife so much. He should be talking to her if he has an issue.

@notWORKzilla thank you. That is a great insight to the other side.

To be honest my SIL probably thinks I’m lazy. I tend to stay out of the way a lot when she stays as I find her really hard work! She probably thinks I live the life of Riley lounging around in bed while DH does everything.
However I know he would never moan about me to his family, and I think that’s the issue. If your DB is constantly moaning about her then he can’t really expect you to like her, can he? I’d have a chat with him about it.

ACH, does your DB desperately need your support with his new wife?
He chose her and unless she's being abusive, he has to sort it out with her, not undermine her behind her back.

She could be fuming he's slagging her off behind her back to in-laws whilst she's staying!!! (Is DB is making the day toxic by storming off and letting her know he's moaning you? )

It could be same as habitual & unnecessary tale telling & bickering of teenagers? To which the reply is "Pack it in, this bickering, it's Christmas & your behaviour is ruining the Xmas chill out."

I’d try and find a way of not seeing them or at least mot having them stay over.

I’d be setting the rules about no food or coffee upstairs

Breakfast is downstairs or not at all.

My H brings me up a cup of tea every morning. I've never asked him he does it because he knows I'd like one and he's caring. He could twist it and tell people I'm lazy , that would be very easy to do , but I'm not and he's just doing something nice.
My F and his GF who have been together years slag the other off whenever one of them leaves the room. It's draining and funny all rolled into one.
Ask your B how he feels about her. Tell him he's making her out to sound awful.

You’re not allowed to take breakfast and coffee upstairs if you want to? Why?

If they start arguing st your house on Christmas Day I would say in a jokey voice ‘ can we have no arguing please , it’s Christmas! Season of good will and all that and also I don’t wanna hear it !’ Then maybe in the new year have a word with your brother about whether this marriage was a mistake.

*I’d be setting the rules about no food or coffee upstairs

Breakfast is downstairs or not at all.*

You'd say this? To an adult? An adult who was a guest in your house?

Your brother needs to stand up for himself. He must have seen something in her he liked... is she young and attractive?

If she doesn't like his parenting she shouldn't have married him...if it's an issue for her.

She's sounding like a entitled princess...but your brother knows why he puts up with it. The pros are more than the cons.

Set rules as you sit down... peace and no arguing.

I would expect a guest in my home to come downstairs and have breakfast with everyone else. It’s not a hotel, there is no room service and I wouldn’t want food in bedrooms whether or not I were hosting people, no.

Do what you want in your house, but staying in bed with a breakfast in someone else’s home when everyone else is having breakfast downstairs is rude.

I’m shocked I even have to explain this.

Hissy, in real life it's rude to be such a bad host that your guests aren't comfortable eating around you.

Do what you want in your house, but staying in bed with a breakfast in someone else’s home when everyone else is having breakfast downstairs is rude.

I’m shocked I even have to explain this.

See this is the difference between manners and being polite. Manners should never be used to make people feel less comfortable in your company.

My H brings me up a cup of tea every morning.

You drink tea in your bedroom?!?!That's disgusting. I only drink tea at my dining table using my finest bone China while wearing my finest twinset and pearls.

Only on mumsnet. What utter tosh.

In real life people go to other people’s houses as guests and come down for breakfast where there host will be expecting to provide them with food and company. They are welcomed, comfortable and at ease because they are there of their own free will and know how to socialise

I don’t believe that someone would go and stay with someone and NOT have the grace and manners to come down for breakfast or to see if they can help out in some way.

Nowt so queer as —mumsnet— folk

I think most people would come down. If someone didn't come down when they were staying at mine or took a plate of toast upstairs my firs, second or third thought wouldn't be how rude. That's odd.

It isn’t odd think it’s rude to take food upstairs in someone else’s home when breakfast is being served downstairs

It really isn’t.

Thanks @Hissy

That's how I feel. Just basic social skills the world is lacking in these days

Only on Mumsnet does a thread talking about relatives arguing quickly descend into a 'I have the best manners in the world' contest.