Anxiety Over Texting / Overthinking - HELP!

[chuppyson]

Hi All,

I’m a 23 (M) with a 23 year old girlfriend.

We’ve been together 6 months and unfortunately due to circumstances she’s moved back home to Scotland from here in England so we’re now in a long distance relationship. As you can imagine this adds a level of strain.

We text everyday throughout the day when we can. We always have. Some days the texting is more frequent than others depending on what we’re up to.

I have an uncontrollable desire to constantly check when she’s last online on WhatsApp. Constantly question myself why she may not of replied if it’s been a while.. it’s not healthy but I can’t seem to help it.

I go into a state of anxiety when the “routine” as such changes and I think the worst straight away... not cheating but the likes of “she’s bored of me” or “she’s not interested in replying right now” even though rationally I know it’s probably not true and she’s busy. If a longer period of time has passed compared to what I’m used to I feel rubbish and like she’s not l bothered or interested in messaging me like she used to be.

With the messaging I’m finding I’m subconsciously seeking reassurance and approval from her from the things I say as a way of feeling content of her feelings toward me as she’s very emotionally cold and not the lovey dovey type like me.

Would love to hear what you all think?

Thank you.

I think you need to get some help for your anxiety.

And also to find some new hobbies and interests, go out more and make new friends. You are young and should be out having fun, not sitting home worrying and checking what’s app.

It doesn’t sound like a long distance relationship is right for you.

I'm vacillating between thinking a long-term relationship with someone you describe as 'very emotionally cold' isn't right for you OR whether you shouldn't be in any relationship until you have done some work on yourself.

Relationships aren't there to be a crutch, to cure of of something, to fill a hole. They should enrich your life, not make it worse. If you are emotionally healthy, long-distance is great. You really appreciate the time you spend together, you can get to know each other well; writing about things that you care about, you make an effort.

The move has made you insecure. If she has moved indefinitely what is the future of your relationship? You are both still so young.

You need help. Your neediness is suffocating and will ruin any relationship you have. You need to get a grip.

I never understood long distance relationships - until I got into one by a chance meeting of the guy I’m currently dating.

When you’re not in regular physical contact with someone, the other ‘little’ things, like texts, become much more significant and meaningful. Plus, everything is intensified, the lows and the highs. Having thought about it, given that 80% of communication is non-verbal and you’re missing out on this entirely, you look to other things (like length of time between contact) for context to the words you exchange.

Although we’re both older (in our 30s), I went through something similar recently, feeling that he was distancing himself through reduced contact. What made it difficult was not wanting to bring this up on the phone. The other peculiarity of LDRs is that you want the little contact you do have to be happy, so issues are swept under the carpet until you see each other (in my case we try to meet once a month) which you then want to be as good as possible so can’t raise issues then either

In the end, I was ready to end the relationship so thinking I had nothing to lose anyway, I had an honest conversation with him and admitted that I needed more contact from him. He was shocked that I felt he was changing his mind about me. He’s now better at texting and I’m more reassured which has helped to progress the relationship. Perhaps that’s what needs to happen in your relationship. It doesn’t need to be an argument or unpleasant - quite the opposite in my case as it ended up being the first time we really shared how we were feeling about each other.

You have my sympathy, LDRs are hard, especially so for someone with anxiety and a tendency to overthink (speaking from experience here). But there are positives too - my advice would be to make the most of those. I’m really enjoying getting to know somebody slowly and in a different way. I’ve had relationships that have taken over my life so it’s nice to have the best of both worlds. Shift the focus of your relationship by improving the other areas of your life and working out who you are and what you want.

Oh, and switch off the ‘last seen’ function on social media to stop yourself checking.

You have an anxious attachment style. She has an avoidant attachment style. You two will make each other miserable but you will also find yourself in an addictive cycle of seeking her approval. While she becomes colder and colder because you're smothering her.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attachment_in_adults

I strongly suggest you read up on adult attachment style, start working on yourself, and expect much less from her. Don't try to change her. You can only work on yourself. Good luck.

I've been in a similar situation before, with ex-BF. You've attached yourself to her, and want her approval, which is very hard to get if she's emotionally cold.
Who is doing more of the messaging? What so your definition of a fast reply?
Agree you really need to get out there and find hobbies or groups to belong to and don't centre your life around her. In my situation, he was going out and getting involved whereas I just went about life sitting around waiting for his responses. You need separate lives from one another because right now what you have is not healthy.
How often do you feel she is "cold?" Does she ever give you positive feedback about yourself?
(You don't have to answer these BTW, it's just things to think about).

This all sounds horrible for you. How miserable and lonely you must feel. I'd hate to be in a relationship with someone so cold.
End it. I don't think you will because you're stuck. But she is not for you.

Wow, I've just read up on attachment styles and it's fascinating. I honestly had no idea. Anxiety/avoidant most likely describes both my former situation and the one that OP is posting about.

Just read your other thread... this relationship is so unhealthy from both of you. I had to live with this in a former abusive relationship, constantly panicking about whether I was online or not and if he thought I was ignoring him... it's so controlling.

Just read your other thread... this relationship is so unhealthy from both of you.

Me too. You need to think very carefully about whether this relationship is a good idea. You don't seem to be creating a healthy dynamic.

Turn off last seen on WhatsApp, it helps loads. Find other things to fill your time with and you will be a lot happier