Am I overreacting?

[Donatello68]

I have been single for a couple of years after a 25 year relationship. I met a guy locally who is 13 years older than me. He asked me out on a date and we hit it off. The relationship has actually become very serious, very quickly. He did all of the running.

Three months on and I am still worried about his ex. He told me that he was with someone for a couple of years. He didn’t love her or tell her he loved her, it was just companionship and sex. She lived far away and came to visit at weekends.

Earlier this year, she was involved in a serious car accident. When he was looking for contact details, he found on her phone sexually explicit messages from someone this woman worked with. It turns out that they had been having an affair for 6 months. As his ex didn’t have anyone to look after her, he said that she could stay with him until she was better. He also threatened the married bloke who she was having an affair with as he was looking after her and didn’t want him on the scene. He said that he felt sorry for her and would feel bad if anything happened to her as she had no-one.

As far as his friends and family were concerned, they were an item and he was looking after her. He didn’t tell anyone about the affair and that they had split up until after she had moved out six months later.

On our first date, he actually said that he was going to help a friend move out that weekend. It turned out that he was helping his ex move back home.

I accept that whatever relationships he had before we got together are in the past. However, according to hers and his FB page (I know!), it would appear that they were in a loving relationship for at least 4 years. Every post that she has put on for the last few years had him in it. His son also made a comment about them being ‘love birds’ four years ago. Oddly, I had to cancel a night out recently and his son jumped to the conclusion that I had dumped him...so, I suspect that there is something that I don’t yet know.

They went on several big holidays together and many weekends away and looked happy together. If they were in a relationship before we met then, fine.

But, why is he lying and saying that they were companions - who had sex and that he didn’t love her? If she was the love of his life and he was crushed by the affair then I would understand. She still txts him and has stuff in his garage.

I have spoken to him and he has said that I have nothing to worry about and he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone. To be honest, I feel the same. I am not normally a jealous person but, as he is obviously lying, my mind is going crazy. I am worried that it will turn out that he is back with his ex or that he never loved me etc...

Am I overthinking this? I haven’t dated for years and feel that I am being duped..

OP - you aren’t overthinking, instead I think you are scared of getting hurt. Which we all are.

If he wanted to be with her, he’d be with her. She was already living in his house. It would have been easy.

He isn’t with her. He is with you.

He has rewritten history. A lot of people do that, with hindsight they wish that is how it had been, but it wasn't.

Just take each day as it comes and don't take yourself off the market.

You’re treating her Facebook version of their relationship as more accurate as the version he has told you. Seems a bit odd.

You are right MMmomDD, I am frightened of getting hurt. We really do have a great relationship but, I know that he is lying.

Polka - I know that FB isn’t the best way to view history but, I don’t have anything else... he isn’t forthcoming..

I was going to say that as we get on so well and that it has only been a few months, we should go back to being friends. I can’t be with someone I don’t trust. If he lies about the relationship with his ex, he could be lying about the relationship with me. I am a very honest person... which makes it worse!

There were two truths in their rerelationship: his and hers. He didn't care for her as deeply as she did for him, but went along with the facade of being in a happy relationship to the outside world and to her. He obviously did care enough about her to look after her after the crash, but it was odd that he allowed his family etc to think they were together.

When love fades it is normal to rewrite history to yourself and think you weren't actually as 'in love' as you thought at the time.

Stop stalking his old Facebook as evidence he is lying. That in itself is odd. No one puts their bad, boring, not happy stuff on Facebook. It gives a false impression of people's lives and makes it seem all hearts and roses. You don't see the bored expressions seconds before some pounces with a camera and fake smiles are easily mistaken for real.

He has been forthcoming and told you his truth. You are refusing to believe it because of old Facebook posts. I think that says more about you than him.

I have to say, his story does seem a bit...soap opera-ish.

So he found irrefutable proof of her cheating but then she was in a car accident and he chose to nurse her for six months and pretend to everyone that they were the perfect couple?

So he never confronted her about the cheating - or he did and they broke up but then she said "oh, just one thing before you go - can you take care of me for six months?"

I'm just wondering if this whole "she cheated" story is BS - something makes me think that the ex would be very surprised to hear his version of events. And the "I never really loved her" is to cover the fact that he was trawling for new dates before his current partner had even moved out. "Ah, but emotionally they'd been split up for half a year, so it's fine that he was on dating sites and actively romancing other people"

Hmm.

OP - the more I read your posts the more they seem like an obsession of sorts. Its strange to me to judge someone’s past relationship by the FB posts, and how they looked on pictures that went up.

Some people are very keen on and good at maintaining a great social media facade.

And in addition - his past is his. Some people aren’t that happy to dissect their past relationships with new partners.

Anyway - you don’t need to stay in a relationship where you feel uncomfortable. However, if it’s your mind playing tricks on you, making you jump at shadows then - at some point, I hope you get to a place where you won’t be looking for warning signs before they appear.