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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Sex after having a baby

19 replies

JAVL · 15/12/2018 20:09

I'm 26 years old and so is my boyfriend. We have a 5mths old baby and haven't had sex in 10 months. He says that he thinks about it but then forgets. Is this normal?

OP posts:

category12 · 15/12/2018 20:13

It's unusual at 26, I would say.

IceBearRocks · 15/12/2018 20:20

I didn't want sex for 5 months after my first baby

Dirtybadger · 15/12/2018 20:36

Why did you stop having sex? If it was down to you (perfectly justified) then maybe he has just adjusted to no-sex. Sometimes sex makes you want more. Going without it is easier if you have been going without for a while (for some people).

Do you want sex? Does he? You need to speak to him more, really. If he really fancied it and knew you wouldn't reject him then I can't see how he would just forget. How does your baby sleep? Being sleep deprived and busy doesn't help things. So you get much time alone to flirt and just enjoy one another's company to build up some desire on both sides?

bigchris · 15/12/2018 20:40

So it's him who doesn't want it

Original poster

JAVL · 15/12/2018 20:42

Think so too, don't know what to do.

OP posts:

bigchris · 15/12/2018 20:43

Domyou have a babysitter?
Could you have a date night? Make time for each other while the baby sleeps ?

Original poster

JAVL · 15/12/2018 20:45

The thing is i take care of the baby by myself mostly so he shouldn't be any more tired than before and we stop having sex because i was pregnant and he just didin't want to do it and then i guess it just stayed that way :| i tryied talking to him but he isn't much of a talker :|

OP posts:

Original poster

JAVL · 15/12/2018 20:49

The thing is the baby sleeps with us in the room and i don't feel comfortable leaving hin with a stranger just yet. We do have the rest of the house for ourselves but he just doesen't seem interested. It could be because i am obviously not that skinny anymore and have strech marks...maybe he is not atracted to me anymore. We are more friends than lovers now

OP posts:

martingoresnipplechain · 15/12/2018 20:53

I took a while to want it again, because I was just so damn tired (still am and our DC is 9 months!!) but also because I felt I looked like shit. My husband said he still found me as attractive as before but I just felt lumpy and unsexy. We are a younger couple at similar ages to you. I feel that 'normal' is massively dependent on the individual couple. It maybe took us 4-5 months but we still aren't as regular as pre-DC.

Original poster

JAVL · 15/12/2018 21:02

I do feel like crap and i am exhausted but i still want it. It's just strange that he never even mentions it. It's like we are 2 friends who have a baby and kiss sometimes.

OP posts:

Tigger001 · 15/12/2018 21:04

So have you initiated sex and he has refused you ?

Original poster

JAVL · 15/12/2018 21:55

No i haven't tried because i feel like he doesn't want it and i would be forcing it. After so long it's just weird i feel like he is a stranger.

OP posts:

SBDB · 15/12/2018 22:36

My baby is 8 months now and I would say it’s only the last 2-3 weeks where my dh and I have had a ‘normal’ sex life! This was mostly me feeling tired and rubbish etc but also ok talking to dh he said he was genuinely worried about hurting me etc (I’d had some complications). He felt that after watching me give birth and go through the mess after that he might damage the repairs thatvthe surgeon had done.
Have you spoken to your partner perhaps in the car or over text so it’s not quite so intense as sitting down for a chat? You might find he’s just nervous!

Sethis · 15/12/2018 22:42

i tried talking to him but he isn't much of a talker

What does that mean, exactly?

Tigger001 · 15/12/2018 23:12

Is he maybe saying that because he is nervous also after a bit of a break and maybe he doesn't want to seem like he is pressuring you

busybarbara · 15/12/2018 23:15

We are more friends than lovers now

Erm, you're also parents now which comes far above those other things.

cheeseonion · 15/12/2018 23:17

It sounds as though you're not very affectionate anymore, maybe work on that first.

It's easy to get out that habit after a baby, but if you're back to hugging / kissing / curling up on the sofa etc the jump to sex will be more natural and less awkward.

Talking is key though so I'd push harder with that generally

CandyCreeper · 15/12/2018 23:38

not normal imo

Original poster

JAVL · 16/12/2018 03:06

I do know that being a parent is the most important thing but i think that having a healty relationship is also very important and that includes having a sex life. What i mostly see here is mums not feeling up to it and dads being understanding what seems normal to me but in my situation i am the one who is ready to at least try and get to normal and he is the one not up to it. I tried talking about it but he is dismisive and defensive he doesn't like to talk about anything really and that makes it even harder because i don't know what's on his mind.

OP posts:

Flip