Marriage problems

[Lep1989]

I am having marriage problems. We argue alot but it always seems to be me that's in the wrong. I admit I'm short tempered and snap which I'm trying to stop and be more concious of this. But I don't believe that my relationship problems are all my fault. I'm really lost at what to do. We have a 3 year old and 4 month old. Bfing the baby and the 3 year old won't sleep in his own bed and room. So we have no privacy. I asked my husband for help before the baby came in getting my oldest in his own room and he never did anything to change the situation. He says I nag but usually nag because I don't think he's listening. He says I dont appreciate him and everything he's doing for me.which is not true I do. I don't work so do all the house work cooking shopping etc. He also says I need to loose weight which is true and I'm going to tackle that it's just how he says it and makes me feel. My confidence is at a all time low and he just makes me feel worse. I don't live in the UK any more we moved away for his work so have no family and barely any friends i could talk to. Also my dad just died fair enough we had a rocky relationship but he paid and my husband hated him. He sent me back to visit my mum and keeps holding the cost if the ticket against me. There's more I could say I don't want to end up being a single mum but I just need advice and someone to talk to. He has spoken with his mother about the situation behind my back. Don't feel like I could speak to my mum as don't want her to think bad of him and it's already a rocky relationship. Just feel so alone.

It sounds like you have multiple issues. You’ve recently had a baby and are still breastfeeding so I wouldn’t worry about loosing weight yet because it’ll soon drop off when the demands on your body are less.
How were things before the baby were born? If it was all ok, then you can probably count this a temporary phase of getting used to another baby and all the extra work, exhaustion and joy that brings.
Would he listen if you sat down and explained why you need help or is the talking and resolving issues a problem?

I do need to loose weight I want to for myself I'm a size 20 /22. My problem is I was this size when I met him then lost weight then gradually put it back on, and now he's telling me it's affecting him. He told me today that when he got with me originally it was with in mind that I would loose the weight. I've tried talking to him about it he said we will work on it this coming year but never actually takes any of the blame, I always admit if in in the wrong. I suggested counselling in the past and he refuses. We argued like any healthy relationship in the past. Or so I thought I don't know any more.

He sounds horrid

Is he a David Beckham look a like?

No he's not lol but he has just recently been dieting and lost a bit of weight.

To move forward and improve a relationship both parties have to work hard at it and be prepared to make changes and support each other. It sounds like you are doing this but he’s saying he will but isn’t. You alone can’t fix the problems. He should also want you for who you are not who he can change you into.
I think you should talk to your mother and possibly, if you can, go and stay with her for awhile, see how you feel away from him for a bit and how he reacts to you and the children not being there. It might be the shock he needs to change and support you or it might be the space you need to make a decision about what you want in the future.

If you don't want your mum to hate him is it because you see a long term future with him?
What is he telling his mum. Because unless she sent him.away with a tic in his ear I doubt it was the whole truth
If he told her the truth and she backs him. Pick up the phone call your mum and go home because they will eat away your self respect and dignity

I don't know to what extent he has spoken with her. She spoke to me basically said I need to win him back start putting makeup on ,loose weight etc

Because his and my mum's relationship is rocky I know my mum would totally take my side. Which is fine but wouldn't help my situation.

I think that living in the middle East puts a lot of strain I hate it here, probably vocalise that too much.

I want a future with him couldn't picture myself with Any one else, however I don't think he is as certain.

Mmmm lep he doesn't sound great. And being told to look pretty, I would really really struggle with this

I think you have a lot going on here. Firstly his mother needs to butt out!

I think you need a serious talk with him and tell him how you feel and what you are dealing with ; it must be challenging moving to the middle east where life is so different; you have a small child and its hard for them to adjust to a new routine and you have a new baby and your dad died. Thats a lot to deal with. He shouldnt tell you to loose weight and look pretty. Your body will still be recovering from the birth. Tell him its not helpful for your self esteem. Can you somehow get a break from children so can do something for you - meet people - exercise to make yourself feel better. Are there any other expat wives you can get to know?

So you're being told to 'look pretty and lose weight' when you have a 4m old LO. Its just as much his responsibility to be the kind of person you want to make an effort for.

So far you haven't told us any positive points or what he does to help the family unit other than being the wage earner, you have told us:
He bitches about you to his mum
He doesn't help with the children
He doesn't help around the house
He thinks you should be eternally grateful for every little thing he might do
He begrudges you the air fare to visit your mum after your DF died.
He is rude about the way you look

I agree with pp that you should go and stay with your mum awhile. You say you don't want to be a single mum, which I fully understand, but do you want to be with him? Being a single mum in the UK with your family support network may well be easier than feeling lonely and cut off with someone who you don't want to be with in another country.

Why don’t you go stay with your mum for a bit to get some space and support and work out how you feel. Your DH doesn’t sound very pleasant to be honest.

Is there a reason you can’t go and stay with your mother such as access to money to buy the ticket or being able to take the children out of the country (I think some countries have different rules and in the Middle East you need to find out what they are). If you don’t have access to money you have a much bigger problem.
Would he accept a job back in the UK where you’d be happier? If yes you all could move and see how it goes . If he says no then it’s probably time to leave. You need to think about whether to visit your mother in the uk and then have the discussion via FaceTime etc or to have it where you are and him knowing that you might leave and be aware laws in the country you are in.