Strong feelings for another person - please help

[Helpplease25]

Hi everyone, I am really worried about anyone in real life reading this so am going to try and keep it vague but I really need some help. I have been on the verge of tears the last few days.

A few years ago I started a new job and quickly made a good friend in a male colleague who like me is married with children. I really can't explain it any better than that we just click and our friendship is so natural and we really just get each other. A few months ago I did Google emotional affair because when for example he was off work I really missed him but from what I read I was happy enough in that we never went for lunches or coffees or texted each other anything remotely personal etc etc.

A few nights ago we were out with work for drinks and he was telling me that he loves (Infront of other people so love in a platonic way) me & that he has never met someone who just got him the way I do etc. I laughed it off and said yes I love you too and we hugged.

Later that night he was going over it to me again and I repeated yes I love you too (not in the way you would say to a partner). He then said something along the lines of no you don't understand I really do (my exact memory is hazy) I told him please don't do this you will ruin everything if you do this but he said something else and I then said i said I knew exactly what he meant and I am attracted to him. He said that nothing could ever happen and I just had to think about my children the way he did. I agreed and we left.

I am now so upset and about this and don't know how to handle it when I next see him. I'm angry at him and at myself for getting into it. I love my husband and I don't want to hurt either him or another persons family, if I'm honest I do really love him too it's just I don't know what that love is. While I am attracted to him I also know that nothing physical will happen with him especially if we never drink together again. At the same time part of me thinks I should distance myself as much as I can in the workplace but then equally I really don't want to lose my only other true friend. What should I do? How do I handle this?

I'm thinking of apologising for my side of the conversation (I was the person who actually mentioned physical attraction first) and just say that I am finding it difficult to just sort out my feelings but agree that it must never happen again and go back to normal. The other option is to just pretend it never happened but then that brushes it under carpet and it'll always be there like an elephant in the room.

Thanks for any advice I feel so awful this whole can of worms had been opened and for my feelings.

Drunken mistake never let us speak of this again type territory, I would think.

Thanks category12. It was. Would you mention it all i.e in let's never mention it again or just actually not mention it?

You'll probably get conflicting advice. Some will say ignore it and act professionally and coolly with him at work. Others will say discuss it soberly and then act professionally and coolly with him at work. Neither option is wrong.

Is three anything amiss with you and DH? Work on that too.

Personally I would avoid getting into the sort of conversation where you discuss it at all. You laugh and say "wow, what a hangover" at most. In a public setting.

I think that lines were crossed and you can't have the friendship as it was, I'm sorry. And that you need not to have private conversations about what was said, because those easily lead into emotional affairs.

Slippery slope. I think the recommendation is not to admit feelings as that actually opens the door to further involvement. Try googling Limerance and also worth looking at Shirley Glass book Not Just Friends. You aren't there yet but it's a good book for describing how modern EAs start and also of course, how to stop them before they go too far.

Thank you everyone for your input I have a lot to think about.

Hi Helpplease25,

From your original post it sounds like you have not acted on any feelings and thats a very good start. I must be honest that in every relationship, marriage or even just boyfriend/girlfriend situation, temptation is everywhere! You can be happily married but still find the hot guy in work attractive or be flattered by he way someone looks at you. The problem is when it goest to far and people (like yourself) can be tempted to do something they really should not.

I think the first mistake was becoming so emotionally involved with this man in the first place. I am not judging you as it can happen to anyone really but you need to distance yourself from him big time. I would even go so far to say quit your job and find a new one. I realise that this is drastic but its a much better situation to find a new job than to find a new husband because you wen to far, your husband found out and he left you.

I am a happily married women, I love myself with all my heart but I would be lying if I said I didn't see someone nice at the gym or in university. The thing is it's okay (my husband even said this) to have feelings at times, or to find someone else nice looking but its becomes wrong when you act to on it. When you realise those feelings or potential feelings are there then you need to ignore or get yourself out of that situation and cut all contact. For me, its simple things like looking away when a hot guy walks by way or reminding myself why I love my husband so much when someone else tries tot get my attention.

A friend of mines recently ended up a similar situation as she feel for one of her husbands close friends. She could not get him out of her head until she feel into bed and when her husband found out, he left the country and she's now dealing with bills and everything on her own. Her whole life has been turned upside down and this could have been avoided if she just stayed away from this guy in the first place. The decisions we make in life, even in the smallest ones have really big consequences for what happens in the future.

If I was you then I would tell my husband everything. Most men will prefer a honest wife, well thats my husband anyways. Tell him that nothing has happened that you never intend to do anything but that this man told you that he loves you and its made you feel uncomfortable in work. I think keeping secrets like this away from marriage will not help it grow and you have to think about yourself and your family and not this other man.

Remember why you married your husband, look at your wedding video or pictures. Trust me if you just pretend like nothing happened then thats fine but that will not stop you both continuing to become closer and what will happen then? Please be careful and think very carefully about any decision you make.

Ok.... I have literally just come out the other side of a near enough identical situation.
Unfortunately I believe there is no going back, once it's apparent there are feelings on any level. I desperately wanted to salvage a friendship out of the EA I had with a colleague. But I was delusional.
I do think that you should talk the situation through, and be honest about your feelings with this guy. I did not do this, which I believe only added to the tension and made it impossible for us to work together.
I think if you're both honest in the clear light of day, and come to a mutual decision as adults that you will not act on these feelings, it will help.
It's an impossible situation, and I would suggest moving forwards that you either look into other jobs, or see if you can be transferred to a different department? (I don't know if this is a possibility for you). You need to physically distance yourself. Something I found incredibly hard, whilst we worked directly together. It won't be easy, but for your marriage and sanity's sake you need to take measures.
But do talk to him.

It's quite simple.

Imagine your dh in your position. How would you feel about him having that conversation with someone. And how would you expect him to proceed with the friend, while putting you and the kids first?

I think you need to think of your kids and his kids. Don't let infatuation hurt the little ones. Sometimes a guy may seem amazing whereas at home he's just an annoying moody person. It's easy to let go of the real you when you're out and about and drinking away and that could be him. Even if he is really an amazing person think of him as one of those moody blokes who seems to be the life of the party to everyone else but at home. You wouldn't want to live with that and the honeymoon stage would only last a short while anyway. Just forget about it and find another friend. He shouldn't have kept on going on about it and perhaps you shouldn't have started the convo that way either but once you've left the home and kids are with the other parent etc it's easy to forget who you are and the life you've built.

What you have to do in these situations is be ruthlessly honest with yourself. You are considering discussing it further. Why? I mean really - why? Because you genuinely want to apologise? Or because you just... want to discuss it further. Perhaps you would like to see if in the cold light of day he will spill his guts and tell you how much he wants you? Perhaps you want to see how he feels about what has already been said? Us humans are very adept at lying to ourselves. You want to avoid this.

If you genuinely want nothing to happen then it's best to cut it off. Spend as little time with him as possible. Never have conversations that aren't to do with work. If he brings it up you simply say: "We were drunk. I'm married. I want to stay married. I don't want a relationship with you so please never bring this up again." And then you disengage.

In my experience all this handwringing only occurs when we are fighting with ourselves. If you really want nothing to happen then the answers with regards to how to conduct yourself are fairly clear.

Don’t message him, whatever you do. Imagine how it would look if his wife found a message apologising about ‘what had happened’.

You don't know each other and you don't know what it would be like to live with him. You love your husband, have kids etc so there really is little point in bringing this up and discussing further and endangering your relationship and job.

So pretend the conversation didn't happen. If he brings it up just say that sorry you say silly things when you're drunk. To be honest, to me it sounds like he might want an affair and is sounding you out. Which isn't at all attractive and not someone your want to be with or a good replacement for your lovely husband.

I'd pretend it never happened and just try to carry on as usual

Drunken mistake never let us speak of this again type territory, I would think.

Absolutely. And don't panic about it. I became close to a colleague maybe ten years ago now, both of us happily married and with busy and engrossing lives -- and it was unspoken but mutually acknowledged that, had we both been single, we would have been in a relationship.

We never did anything about it, continued to be good, mutually supportive friends and colleagues, saw each other quite a lot solo and with our spouses, and the attraction died off over time of its own accord without any hurt or drama.

Now we're still friends, although living in different countries, and it feels like a weird aberration from several centuries ago.

I’m on the other side of this. My wife had an emotional affair which started initially on an online word game.

I’ve been fighting a losing battle ever since because basically she refuses to give up contact.

This year has been the worst of my life and I’m still hanging in at home at present but now I’m firmly out of the picture as my wife “loves me only as a friend” now. That’s what happens when you mid direct your feelings and emotions elsewhere.

You’ve a lot to lose; I’m very shortly gonna lose my wife, my best friend (her), my kids and my house. All for something that started so innocently as a bit of fun.

It’s no walk in the park for her either; she’s massively confused, deeply upset at the way she’s hurt me and terrified about the financial consequences when I leave.

If things were good with your Husband before then you need to snap out of this and concentrate on him. Believe me your feeelongs for the other guy will diminish very rapidly once you cut contact with him.

Escapism is no replacement for a proper happy loving relationship.

Good luck

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