Feeling unloved - how to remedy?

[prunemerealgood]

I'm married to someone who cannot deal with other people's emotions - I mean, as in he just stops talking or moves the conversation on if I start telling him something 'difficult'. It isn't just with me, he does it with other people too, and though we've been together for 20 years I have only just recently started to put the puzzle pieces together and realise that he's really lacking whatever it is that makes a person understand that they need to do something about the emotional pain of others. He just does and says nothing.

I have a really family dilemma right now, and it's eating me up. I have told him about it but he behaves like I'm an acquaintance telling him about a difficult day at work. I almost burst into tears when I told a friend the bare bones outline of the situation and she put her hand on my arm and said "Oh gawd, that must be so hard to cope with". He had said nothing (because he can't!) and I'd waffled on for a bit then a child needed something so game over.

Obviously I've talked to him about this before but with no result. He's a good person, definitely not a bad 'un and this isn't emotional abuse or anything. His family are all like this too.

I know that in his way he does love me but really, how do I spend the rest of my life knowing that when the chips are down, I'm on my own?

I don’t have any advice but I am in the same situation. In the past couple of weeks I have been frequently tearful and even had a panic attack but he cannot say a single word to support me. We too are dealing with a long term stressful problem with his extended family, which he could have sorted out if he didn’t have his head in the sand. I tried to tell him yesterday that the stress is intolerable and I am thinking about leaving. His response was a few moments of sadface then ‘Right, I’d better take the dogs for a walk.’ Not a mention of it since.

I really feel for you as it’s soul-destroying.

Oh Staffiesandponies, I'm really sorry. That sounds very similar!

I actually have been thinking about us splitting up. On the surface everything is fine but there's no depth there apart from the odd moment where I'm struck by how much of a shared history we have and how nice that is. But day-to-day, it's as you say soul-destroying.

We've been here before and he literally doesn't know how to be normal. I accept that he's not an emotional person and I benefit from that - I don't have to maintain his ego or anything like that (perhaps you feel the same?) it's not like I'm expecting masses of attention constantly for every little thing. But I do have a problem and I need his support.

Likewise, his family are very very similar (eg I will tell MIL I'm concerned about my family if asked, and she'll start telling me about her latest paint colour choices) and I find having to deal with them almost intolerable. I could be anyone, so long as I'm presentable and make the right noises there's nothing about me that they really care about. OK, that's my in-laws, I don't expect them to adore me, but I kind of do want my own husband to behave differently.

Staffiesandponies after posting here I did a good bit of searching around the web and came across something called alexithymia - literally the lack of language to describe feelings. There's a good article here. I don't know if this would help you but it describes my situation very well.

What's staggering is that they say the rate of alexithymia runs at 10% - TEN PERCENT!

I confess that although I feel better knowing it is something potentially quite recognisable (and maybe not that rare!) I don't know how to live with it. Everything's a journey I guess.

I really hope this is of some help. xx

Thanks for the article - I do recognise some elements of my DH’s character there, but don’t think it’s an exact fit. I have also been researching passive aggression as he fits many of the traits for that too, such as procrastination, agreeing to everything and then not carrying it through, having a fear of being ‘the bad guy’ and setting me up in his mind as an angry person who must be thwarted at every turn. Having said that, I genuinely don’t believe he is doing it on purpose.

I recognise what you said about your MIL talking about paint colours! DH’s dad was like this too. When we said we were getting married, MIL was thrilled but FIL remained silent for a moment then talked about some bit of inconsequential news from a random friend.

DH is a hoarder as well and we did manage to have a reasonable conversation yesterday about starting to clear it - I keep it at bay indoors but he has a huge double garage filled from floor to ceiling and since that got full he is leaving everything piled up in the garden. He spent a couple of hours supposedly sorting out the front garden but it looks exactly the same! Actions will speak louder than words over the next few weeks.

All I really get out of him at the moment is financial security and childcare, which at least means I can get out and do hobbies or meet friends.

Look into avoidant attachment.

And then make plans to leave once youve read about it.

Ha, mine has a garage full of crap as well...And absolutely yes to the saying he's going to do things and not doing them. It's infuriating. I am not perfect in that regard, I'm a procrastinator too, I guess.
Mine doesn't set me up as the one with the problem though. He genuinely sees no problem.

I looked at the attachment disorder stuff and it doesn't truly describe DH. I did however see a lot of myself in one of the other variants! (Crap family.)

I hear you about financial security and childcare. I do get something more - not much it's true, but I love the guy and in his way he's fond of me. We no longer sleep together - he snores and won't get it investigated - so obviously that doesn't bode well. It's a bit like living with a lodger but it works ok and alone with the kids would be materially worse so (for now).