PDA and making it fair for the other children

[lampshadelife]

I need help from anyone who has a child with PDA as well as another child/ren.

My daughter (11) is in the process of being assessed for PDA and high anxiety. I'm 99.9 % certain she has it and have been reading up a lot about how to manage children with PDA.

The issue I'm concerned about, is that the way I'd have to manage her behaviour requires a much more passive role from me as a parent.

If I was to describe my parenting, I'd say I'm firm but fair. I'm all about involving children and Positive praise etc. But, ultimately, when I've asked for something to be done or pulled the children up on bad behaviour more than once- I will tell them off. I don't feel young children should be negotiating rules or manipulating parents to get their own way.

I have two other children and a step son (all boys). I've never had to so much as raise my voice to them. A warning or even 'the look' was enough for them to behave.

Realising that my daughter was definitely more challenging lead me to the realisation that she has additional needs. But I'm a bit apprehensive after reading the guide on managing behaviour.

If it was just her I'd have no issues with it. But I feel that the boys will wonder why I'm so lenient with her but not them? Will it cause resentment between siblings or myself and the boys?

Also- how does this really prepare my daughter for the real world? In the real world, people won't find role play techniques to ask her to do something.

Anyone else encountered this before and what was the outcome.
Thanks in advance.

I foster a child with pda, they have been with us since they were 4, they are 11 now.
Are your children younger or older?

My youngest is 9 years older so I don’t think it was too bad.
Got a lot of ‘ you let them get away with more than we ever did’ but now they are older they understand.
The way you treat them just becomes your way of life, your ‘normal’
I tend to ask them what they want, give them a choice.
We’re going out now, do you want me to get your coat or do you want to get it yourself?
If I just say we’re going out that’s when the arguments start.
I wouldn’t worry about it too much, just go with the flow.
You’ll have good times and bad but I’m sure they’ll all end up just fine.

You talk about a child but then you say 'they' (plural in English). Do you foster more than one child with pda? I'm a bit confused reading this.

Sorry, I always use they when writing about foster children as I don’t want to identify them as male or female.
Just one foster child with me at the moment.
They are diagnosed asd pda and adhd.

Thanks for clarification cassimin

lamp, I teach and have taught several children with PDA. It sounds like you are well read on the recommended strategies, so I won't bore you with any of that, but just wanted to say that - certainly in a classroom setting - children are very good at understanding that some children have additional needs that requires a different set of rules to everyone else. If you explain it to them, and involve them from the outset, they will understand.

When I talk to my class I ask them what the purpose of punishment, sanctions and consequences are. They tell me that it is to change behaviour, to make sure the unwanted behaviour doesn't happen again. Except that this doesn't work with PDA, or certain other SEND, it makes the behaviour worse, so we use different strategies that sometimes look like they are 'getting away with it'.

You might get some good advice on the SEND board on here, in Parenting I think.