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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband never stands up for me

25 replies

changetherecordnow · 15/12/2018 08:04

How do I deal with this? My husband never stands up for me, ever. Yes, I can stand up for myself but I think my husband should stand up for me if someone is being rude or disrespectful. So, for instance someone in our company makes uncalled for nasty or snide comments to me in front of a group and he just sits there and says nothing. It's happened so many times and we end up arguing about it. He's good to have a go at me when we get home, start shouting and totally disrespecting and disregarding my feelings but anyone else he wouldn't say boo, unless of course someone is nasty or rude to HIM. I'm
very protective of people I care about and would always jump to their defence. Very sorry u can't say the same thing for my husband. What would you do if someone was rude, insulting towards you and your husband just sat back and said nothing?

OP posts:

LizzieSiddal · 15/12/2018 08:17

So, for instance someone in our company makes uncalled for nasty or snide comments to me in front of a group and he just sits there and says nothing. It's happened so many times and we end up arguing about it.
Sorry I can’t get past this, why are people making nasty comments to you “so many times”? It sounds awful, are they doing it at work?

AJPTaylor · 15/12/2018 08:20

Why is your husband nasty to you when others aren't there and passive when others are nasty to you?
Sounds like you really need some help to improve your life. How hard would it be for you to leave him and change jobs?

Thespace · 15/12/2018 08:27

I am also wondering why there are so many nasty and snide comments about you at work. That sounds out of the ordinary.

category12 · 15/12/2018 08:29

It sounds like you have awful friends.

category12 · 15/12/2018 08:30

I took company as out socialising in company, rather than company as in work?

woollyheart · 15/12/2018 08:32

Do you easily take offence at things other people say? Maybe he doesn't perceive the same things as hurtful?

I am also struggling with the idea that you often have people making nasty remarks to you. Do they have something against you? Maybe go out with people who are your friends more. Or go out with polite people.

Original poster

changetherecordnow · 15/12/2018 08:32

When I say company I don't mean work, I mean in a group. For some reason I seem to attract snide comments, I'm generally a chilled out polite, fun person but am getting sick of snide comments, often from females, and my husband sitting there saying nothing. So it could be family, or people we know. This has been something that has been a long standing issue. I try to talk to him and tell him I find it upsetting when he doesn't have my back. He starts kicking off saying I should just ignore them! I don't think I should just sit there and take nasty snide comments from people. If someone says anything to him he's on it straight away either by kicking off or going passive aggressive. Feel really crap because I feel like he just doesn't care. I've been a SAHM and am really trying to get a job as I seriously considering leaving him over this.

OP posts:

Original poster

changetherecordnow · 15/12/2018 08:34

I guess I'm talking about over the period of our marriage so it's a number of instances over that time where he's never stood up for me. It's really coming to a head now because nothing ever changes.

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 15/12/2018 08:34

What sort of comments do you mean?

LizzieSiddal · 15/12/2018 08:37

Ok, I can understand it annoying you if he’s just telling you to ignore comments. If this happened to me (and it never had in 30 years of marriage), I wouldn’t expect Dh to speak up, I’d do that myself, but I wouldn’t expect him to be so dismissive, especially if they are hurtful comments.

Is this the only issue with your H?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/12/2018 08:37

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

No he does not care a fig about you and is more concerned about his own self image in front of these people.

I would certainly look for paid employment as well as seeking legal advice re the process of leaving him. After all knowledge is power.

Petitprince · 15/12/2018 08:38

I don't think this has ever happened to me. Can you give some examples please?

AJPTaylor · 15/12/2018 08:39

Op. New year's resolution. Get a job and get out.

Frustratedmum78 · 15/12/2018 08:39

Give an example of the kind of things people say to you.
You should really stick up for yourself as he’s not always going to be there when it happens.

Hoppinggreen · 15/12/2018 08:43

My husband probably wouldn’t need to stand up for me because firstly if anyone saying anything to me I will deal with it myself but also because I don’t spend time with people who would do that.
I am baffled as to why this keeps happening to you OP. If it is genuinely the company you keep find other friends. People only get to treat me badly once and then that’s it

WhoKnewBeefStew · 15/12/2018 08:44

Sounds like ultimately he’s a coward. Doesn’t want to say anything in front of people he doesn’t know well, but happy to do it behind closed doors - bullying tactics. He knows he can get away with it with you, but he might be afraid of what will happen outside of that.

Yes you also need a new job or to stand up for yourself at work

Thespace · 15/12/2018 08:45

Whether it’s at work or socially it’s still odd that people are so unpleasant to you so often.

SalmonLeBon · 15/12/2018 08:52

Why don't you stand up for yourself and call them out if they're being ride to you? Why sit back and expect someone else to come to your aid?

I am wondering if your personality is quite abrasive, the fact that you get all these 'nasty' comments, are happy to jump in when you perceive others to be being 'disrespected' (do you get angry?). Maybe your DH doesn't like public scenes?

sackrifice · 15/12/2018 08:54

You need to give some examples here, and say why you just sit there and take it.

woollyheart · 15/12/2018 09:03

When this happens, how do you usually deal with it? Do you make it clear to the offender that they are are being very rude?

Does he maybe agree with what they are saying?

Maybe he thinks you should be able to stand up for yourself more? Is his usual circle of friends and family usually quite aggressive in their humour? If that is very far from your style of relationship, it can be difficult to deal with at the time.

It is disappointing that you don't feel that he is there for you when you need him. It does sound that he is a coward in public unless his own esteem is dented. It sounds as if you don't belong within his sphere of 'people to be cared for and protected'.

Kannet · 15/12/2018 09:08

Are you sure you are not being over sensitive and she isn't noticing these "snide remarks".

puguin86 · 15/12/2018 09:12

Op I feel for you. I had the same issue. Tbh in the end I gave my DH an ultimatum when I was pregnant. They would openly call me names and ask DH when he was going to get back with his ex. It was fucking horrendous. I told him it was either me or his knobhead mates. I left him and moved out. I just cba with him Thankfully we are still together because he finally realised they were complete knobs. After he broke away from that group two of the other lads did as well also confiding in him they hated the "banter"

Holidayshopping · 15/12/2018 09:19

Who has been unpleasant to you and what sort of things do they say!?

if someone is being rude or disrespectful. So, for instance someone in our company makes uncalled for nasty or snide comments to me in front of a group and he just sits there and says nothing. It's happened so many times and we end up arguing about it. He's good to have a go at me when we get home, start shouting and totally disrespecting and disregarding my feelings but anyone else he wouldn't say boo, unless of course someone is nasty or rude to HIM. I'm very protective of people I care about and would always jump to their defence.*

Your social life seems very antagonistic. I don’t actually remember any times when people in my company have said ‘Snide or unpleasant things to me’ once let alone on so many occasions.

Being with someone who is ‘good to have a go’ at you when you get home doesn’t sound nice either.

I don’t feel the need to jump to the defence of other people either as generally they are not verbally attacked in my presence.

Winebottle · 15/12/2018 09:34

I wouldn't want him jumping to my defense.

It is easier for people to stand up for themselves. I don't like it when people take offence on behalf of others. It's reasonable to assume that if someone hasn't reacted to a comment, they don't want someone else to. I certainly wouldn't want DH to say "don't speak to my wife like that".

I am passive and don't like to cause a scene. I'd rather take note of the nastiness and stop hanging out with those people.

subspace · 15/12/2018 10:00

Who are these people who are saying snide and unpleasant things to you?

Why on earth are you choosing to spend social time with them?

What are you doing to stand up for yourself directly to the person who made the remarks?

You don't need a proxy (husband who stands up for you). You might need an assertiveness course.

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