Wondering about my sexuality (explicit)

[tilesnpaint]

(Explicit warning!) I've only ever been with men and have enjoyed sex with them all in all probably about 5-10% of the time. I have definitely fallen (hard!) romantically in love with them but never particularly enjoyed the sexual side. My first sexual experiences were bad though and definitely had a massive impact on me. I enjoy masturbating a lot more (though can happily go months without it or do it twice a day) and normally think of woman or men being fucked and moaning like women. It's made me wonder...I'm just not sure if I'm more on the asexual spectrum because I don't have a massive sexual desire or libido, or just find sex really difficult, or just prefer women but part of me fears getting close to one (with that intention out in the open) because I might not enjoy sex with them and that's not fair on them. I can imagine being head over heels in love with a woman it's just sex I feel so unsure about with all the gender identities. But I also have no desire to ever be in a relationship with a man again because I find them a bit shit to be honest plus I have to fake enjoyable sex all the time. Help! I feel confused should I meet up with some women on tinder and see where it goes which is what I'm thinking but also I feel so shy. I find women are so glorious and a bit intimidating and men are so easy to please which sounds like a really shitty thing to say but it is a fear I guess that I could never be good enough for a woman. Please don't put me down I'm sorry if this sounds harsh or bad or offensive it's just my inner thoughts and I'm genuinely looking for advice because I feel confused.

I think lots of women find women more attractive sexually in terms of porn or erotica even when heterosexual... I think we find it easier to identify and we aren't as attracted to things visually as men

But saying that if you don't want a man again... yes maybe try a woman but be upfront that you haven't before

Lots of people have shit sex though and have to work at it to have good sex with a partner

The one who got away for me... was the worst I had ever had the first time, but the best I ever had by the time it ended. The only thing different in that relationship was I was totally unafraid to be myself and didn't feel judged for anything I said no to or asked for.

So yes I guess try a woman but communicate

Yea I just don't think I'm that into men sexually it always improves a little from 0 at the beginning but really not much...

You don't give an indication of your age, I'd assume young. It's definitely not uncommon to fantasise about the same sex - guys do it too, we just don't talk about it.

I went through a period in my teens thinking I was gay (although there was a backstory) and had a sexual dalliance. It was this that showed me my sexuality really.

Is it possible the men you've been with are just shite at sex? Agree with the pp too, great sex requires work and communication. This is true no matter the sexual dynamic. I think you'd be surprised how natural sex with a woman would be, like it's pre-programmed. For enjoyment, including reaching the heights, both parties must, must, must communicate. Every time. The brain is the most important sexual organ (although many men would disagree ).

Oh, and please don't fake sexual pleasure. It deprives you, and the other party will just do the same thing next time.

Hi Op

I am, I suppose would be labelled as asexual. There is not a lot of interest in the opposite sex or same sex for me. I can be surrounded by lots of attractive people and there is no compulsion from myself to have sex with them.

The only times I step out of the asexual side is when I have a deep emotional connection with the other person and then intimacy can occur.
That deep emotional connection comes in phases as I get to know someone and then the need for intimacy increases. I'm sure there is a label for it, but I really couldn't care less what that label is.
If the other person is not interested then It does not bother me and can live with just the connection. Intimacy does not have to be sexual.
It doesn't mean I do not get sexual feelings, but these are more surrounded by fantasy of a situation rather than a person and comes through tantric meditations.

If you are genuinely attracted to same sex people, it seems to me that you have an itch you need to scratch.

Im trying not to be flippant, but having sex with a few women will definitely help you decide if you're gay, straight, bi or ace.

I was a bit unsure. Slept with another female friend who was also unsure. Lovely evening, got up, made a fry up, drank coffee, chatted about it, laughed a lot. 10 years on I’m happily married to a man, and her to a woman. We both felt clearer in our minds afterwards and it was an unambiguously lovely thing - I think it helped that we were both clear it wasn’t going to lead to a romantic relationship, and it helped we were friends as it felt safe and cosy, not scary and odd.

when I have a deep emotional connection with the other person and then intimacy can occur.

I need this kind of connection too. Develops over time, in a myriad of ways.

I understand your confusion. You could try and see how you feel.
Since my first serious relationship when I was early 20’s (which was great), I’ve been hit and miss with sex. I was raped not long after that ended which hasn’t helped. Partners I’ve had since then (I’m now 40s) haven’t done anything for me in the bedroom. The long term one was so bad and selfish I gave up, the last one was borderline alcoholic and lazy so hardly lightning in the bedroom.
I rarely feel turned on now. I very occasionally do and that can be due to images of women. However if someone takes my eye it’s always a man so I don’t question my sexuality in any serious way. I do wonder if my sexual life experience has pushed me to being totally asexual though. I just have no sex drive at all. I was asked out the other week by a very attractive younger man which was lovely but I turned him down because I couldn’t face the idea of sex with anyone. I’d have never looked back in my younger days