To feel in despair right now? Handhold needed.

[Lizzie48]

I've spoken about my adopted DDs before (aged 9 and 6). DD1 is causing us so many problems. She has Attachment Disorder and is supposed to be starting therapy very soon. (It was supposed to be this month but it looks as though it won't start until January.). They've done the preliminary assessment and have said that they suspect she has PRSD as well.

She has violent meltdowns, throws things at me, this evening she threw one of her Barbie dolls at my arm, and she stepped on my foot hard recently. She'll throw anything to hand when she's in one of her states.

Eating is another difficulty, she dislikes almost everything, or at least everything that's healthy, and she's so stubborn.

But at the moment, the hardest thing is that it's become impossible to get her to go to sleep before 10:30pm and tonight it was 11:30, I think she might finally have gone to sleep now.

This is all in addition to the fact that I'm really struggling to cope with my past (I'm a survivor of childhood SA). I'm suffering from complex complex PTSD and I'm now undergoing therapy on the NHS finally and it's really taking it out of me. Sometimes I really don't think I can cope and feel close to being pushed off the edge.

I'm looking for a handhold really, and reassurance that things can get better.

Someone will be along soon with more constructive advice but honestly you sound an amazingly strong human being! You’ve been though total shit as a child but are still willing to give your time and love to your adoptive DD. I haven’t had any experience with children’s mental health service but if it were me I would keep badgering them! Is there a social worker who can help push things along for you? Be kind to yourself your doing better than you know

It’s great that your DD is starting therapy soon - that could make all the difference.

Your own therapy must feel tough but you are engaged in a process which will bring about some healing; engaging in it is crucial self-love.

You’re coping with a great deal. You should be so proud of yourself

OP I just want to say that you sound so strong and are really coping with a lot. Until you both can receive more therapy can you get another hour or so sleep a day, or a bit of time out to go for a walk just to have a bit more time to relax and refresh

Thank you all for your kind words. I don't feel strong, but I've always just found a way of coping. I'm not good at letting people close to me, so I just get through each day. My DH is lovely, but he doesn't get it, because he had a very happy childhood.

@AtrociousCircumstance yes my therapist speaks about self-love and finding ways to self soothe. Then hopefully I'll be in a better place to help DD1 to settle as well

This sounds like my 9 year old when he is having one of his episodes. I can’t really offer much advise but the going to sleep before 10:30 I sympathise. I have stopped fighting him with regards to going to bed At a reasonable bedtime. It’s just one less battle to be had, makes no difference if he goes bed late he’s still awake in the morning. Once I stopped fighting he actually got better at going to bed . Not all the time, but less of a battle.

First, you're an amazing person for adopting, huge respect.

I had an abusive childhood (including SA) too, and your daughter sounds exactly like my DS. He saw domestic violence (father & mum) for his first two years of life. He was dxed at 16 (...) with autism and ADHD. His primary school head thought he had signs of PTSD, but we never gleaned a dx.

He would willingly pick fights, even over tiny things, and then blow up. Physical aggression, throwing things, hitting sister. Learned behaviour.

At CAMHS (eventually) we were told due to those early years he was picking arguments in order to feel in control, and that the longer he'd been in an abusive environment would exponentially increase problem depth.

He also had the same bedtime issues. Children are extremely resilient, DS would finally go to sleep around 11pm, and then awake at 4-5am.

It's very important your DD trusts you, this can take years in cases. She needs to realise that no matter what she does you will still love her unconditionally and her environment will remain safe. This is likely the main reason she's kicking off. Mix this with hormonal changes and it's really tough for the child.

You need to be setting firm boundaries, and enforce them if necessary. Not going to bed = loss of x TV time the next day. She's going to step over them, purely to see if you follow through, and you must.

Counselling isn't a magic fix, and you'll need to work closely with CAMHS and school.

Any questions just ask or pm. And again, you're flipping incredible.

(DS entered my life days prior to second birthday and has grown up into a fine young man (22 now). He still has issues but now has the tools to deal).