After struggling with infertility for 5years I am finally pregnant but he's leaving me

[Sanssoucis]

Hello everyone , I need a bit of comfort and opinions on my current situation.

Me and my partner have been together for 9 years. We quickly wanted to start a family. After trying for 2 years we decided to see specialist which diagnosed a sperm abnormality ( too large to penetrate the egg). We struggled for 5 long years , tried several treatments for male infertility...

I finally got pregnant in April. We were both so so happy. He was so happy and was telling me how much he loved me and we were talking about all our future plans.
In September he started being more distant , working a lot, going out with his friends. He told me that the idea fatherood made him questionned many things, that he was a bit depressed. I tried to be understanding and give him some space.

I am now 8 months pregnant and he told me 2 weeks ago that he does not longer love me and is not happy with our life. He packed all his stuff and left. I tried to ring him, talk to him, that maybe it's just a phase and he's scared because our life is going to change because of the baby. But no, he says he is not in love with me anymore and is not ready to have a baby. He doesn't want to take care of our baby girl but I quote : " live my life".

I can't believe it. All this pain , struggle , to have a baby and now he wants nothing to do with her. I don't enjoy my pregnancy anymore, I cry everyday.

He was so happy when I got finally pregnant... getting her room ready, choosing a name , being attentive to me. How could he change so suddenly and so quickly ? What should I do ?

Do you think he could have possibly met someone else.

Some men find the idea of fatherhood a good one. Then the reality of single wage and being financially responsible for everything hits and becomes overwhelming.
Plan on having this child on your own and raising her alone.

Whilst I absolutely would not want to minimise your (justifiable) heartbreak this prick has done you a favour in the long term. He is telling you loud and clear what he is really like. Please listen.
He's tried for a baby for long years, supported you through (most of) a pregnancy now he's not sure he wants to be a father? Tough fucking shit pal. It's happening.

And make him pay. You and child do not deserve to suffer 💐

I'm so sorry

He's just shown you he's not the man you thought he was, even if he had decided he didn't love you what kind of person leaves someone 8 months pregnant. A decent person would give it a try.

How could he abandon his unborn daughter like that? She didn't ask to be made.

It's time for you to get angry and see him for what he is a selfish man child. You & your baby deserve better.

On a practical side you need money and the security that gives make sure you claim for child support from him.

Speak to your midwives they will have supported women in your situation.

After the rain comes the sunshine OP.
You've the rain right now....but give it a little time and you'll find yourself basking in the sunshine.
And you'll eventually see this time as a watershed. As that difficult time when you became the strong, tough, totally sorted captain of you and your baby's destiny.
You'll be fine. more than fine. You'll become an inspiration.
Have faith in yourself.

I agree with @fc301, once you've made a child you don't get the luxury of changing your mind this late on. What a complete bastard!
Hope the pregnancy goes well for you OP.

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope you have a straightforward and healthy birth.💐

Listen to the other PP's, your partner is telling you now loud and clear. Make sure you get him to pay as he should, you need to forget about him now (as horrendously hard as that is!) and think about your little girl. She is there for you and she needs her mum to be healthy and stress free to deliver her.

Fuck him- he's a cock and clearly a weak man who can't handle responsibility and caring for the mother of his child and daughter.

I think some men are not cut out for not being the centre of attention. They don't like not being most important. When a baby comes along they are jealous of the attention on their female partner and then the baby.

Definitely sounds like 'stage fright'. You must have been just starting to show when his behaviour changed in September? It's became more real to him after all those years of thinking it might not. It always sound great in theory but in practice?

Not that it's any excuse for his despicable behaviour but it may well be the reason. He may not want to admit it to you, showing his weakness.

How was his own childhood?

He may well change his mind when he sees his daughter. Would you ever be able to trust him though? He's proven his unreliability and extreme selfishness, as he doesn't seem concerned about causing you distress and heartbreak while heavily pregnant.

You could wait it out and see if he comes round or plan on being a single parent. Only you can decide that.

Whatever pain that idiot has caused you now, your DD will be well worth it. Hang on to that and look after yourself .

Don't have much advice but just wanted to say so sorry op, that's very weak in character to just up and leave with such little explanation. Have you got good support?

So sorry this has happened but I fear you may also need to be prepared for there to possibly be an OW too.

Unfortunately pregnancy is a time for appalling behaviour of all kinds to start and affairs is another.

It may of course "just" be that he's "just" took frit at becoming a father (which is fairly pathetic in itself)

My ex did similar when I became more obviously pregnant and I'm afraid to say that while the marriage limped on for a couple of years eventually had an affair. I kicked him out soon as I had enough evidence, plus that night things reached a head.

I agree that the less robust men can't cope with not being centre of attention.

Very soon after it emerged she was pregnant and he tried to get her to abort. She refused and now they have 5! I saw a recent pic of him and he looks knackered and completely miserable - meh no more than he deserves.

Do all you can to get him to pay maintenance though, he should not escape his financial obligations.

Also speak to your midwife and gp so they can put support in place for you and do you have family/close friends you can lean on? You may well find slightly older women will roll their eyes and have experience of this happening either to themselves or someone they know. It's ridiculously common! Particularly I find in the late 30's to early 50's generation of men.

I'm hoping the younger generation will learn from their fathers mistakes, although not holding breath!

I am so, so sorry to read this. He's not the first man to panic at the thought of impending fatherhood, however much he seemed to want it when it was only a theory. It's very immature and grossly unfair to you, he'll be feeling so guilty.

Build a good support network around you as far as possible and be independent. Be friendly to him but not overly. He will probably come back with his tail between his legs but you have to put yourself and child first. You can't rely on this manchild.

told me that the idea of fatherhood made him question many things, that he was a bit depressed.

Cheeky, navel-gazing bastard. Can you imagine if we all did that when we "questioned things". It's just an excuse anyway.

He's met someone else and pissed off into the sunset.

Sorry, OP. Massive shock for you and what he's done is abhorrent. I hope you have family and friends who can support you through this.

If he does come crawling back it's up to you if you take him on again of course, but - don't in any way make him central to your life. He's already shown you that when push comes to shove, he doesn't have your back and can't be relied upon to be loyal, faithful, dependable and supportive. This should be a magical time for you both, and his singular-minded selfishness has fucked it all up. He had no qualms about packing up his stuff and leaving you. Just like that.

He put himself first. Make sure to put yourself and your child first.

Congratulations on your pregnancy💐

I'm not sure if he's met someone else.

He's already shown you that when push comes to shove, he doesn't have your back and can't be relied upon to be loyal, faithful, dependable and supportive. This should be a magical time for you both, and his singular-minded selfishness has fucked it all up. He had no qualms about packing up his stuff and leaving you. Just like that.
^

This is all true though.

What an absolute pillock.

What a horrible, useless man. Whether there's someone else or there isn't he's been incredibly thoughtless and selfish. What a time to put you through all that!

I’m sorry this is happening, you don’t deserve this and neither does your daughter.

Do you have friends who will be there for you when you have the baby? Rally people around you and let them help

Hello this is an awful situation for you; my exh did something similar - after years of failed ivf he had an affair and ended marriage and had a baby with someone else a year later which was really painful. But i did go onto have a child with a new partner!

Every cloud has a silver lining! Yours is your baby - congratulations! Terrible that partner should do that to you; cowardly, selfish, spineless actually but better you find out now than when baby weeks old and you are more vulnerable and tired. It’s very likely there is an OW i’m sorry to say but better to prepare for that.

You can do this but hope you have lots of support from friends and family? Its you and your baby now - focus on that and make plans for it being the two of you. My DP and i didnt live together when DS was born and so i did baby days alone (but with help from parents) and although it was hard work, being the only one getting up in the night and then going to work, there is a simplicity in not having a man around.

Having a child is a such a blessing. My DS is now 11 and its been the most rewarding experience of my life. He is an utter joy every day and all the heartbreak of the past was worth it. Good luck

Been through something similar
In hindsight this is what you need to do
1 tell midwives
2 put feelers out for solicitor and see one so you have this contact in place, it’s harder to do when you have a newborn
3 birth partner.. if he doesn’t come round, will it cause you more pain to have had him there
4 build network, there will be a lot of sympathy out there for you
5 get basics in place - online shop, amazon prime
6 hire a doula or mother’s help

So sorry op
Sounds like he liked the ‘idea’ of a baby but not the reality

I agree with everyone else focus on you and your little girl - you two are the priority

And yes make sure he pays maintenance

And congratulations on the pregnancy