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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please can I have your honest opinion? (Trigger warning - non consent)

23 replies

MalcolmFucker · 14/12/2018 18:44

This is something that happened to me, a while ago. I need someone to be honest with me and tell me what they think and whether I'm losing my mind.

I have been here for a long time under various names, MN can confirm.

So, dp asks if we can try anal (I know, sorry)
I say ok
It hurts too much and I say no it hurts
He says it's fine just relax
I say no it hurts
He carries on until he finishes.

I cried during, I don't think he knew
I didn't scream or shout, I just kind of zoned out.
I didn't try and get away from him, it's like I was frozen.

The next morning he asked 'did I pretty much force you?'
I said yes. He went to work.

When I saw him later on in the day he denied all knowledge of any of it and didn't know what I was talking about.

We have since split up. So I suppose it doesn't matter any more, but I feel like I'm going crazy.

OP posts:
saralogan234 · 14/12/2018 18:46

You're not losing your mind!! That sounds horrible and thank goodness you're not with him anymore.

How awful, but not surprising that he didn't even acknowledge it.

Have you considered reporting him?

So sorry this happened to you and hope you have real life support xx

mynameiscalypso · 14/12/2018 18:47

You can withdraw consent at any point - you did and he kept going. That's not okay. He raped you - it may not necessarily be a case that could be proved in the courts but what he did was wrong and it's clearly still upsetting you. I'm sorry Thanks

halfwitpicker · 14/12/2018 18:48

Not cool.

RyderWhiteSwan · 14/12/2018 18:51

What a pity you didn't ram a cucumber up his arse and say "it's fine just relax"

Original poster
MalcolmFucker · 14/12/2018 18:52

Is it rape tho when I didn't try to physically get away?

Why didn't I kick him out that day, I really don't understand. I would like to confide in a friend but I didn't know if I was over reacting?

OP posts:
OnionsAreNotTheOnlyVeg · 14/12/2018 18:53

You are not crazy. When you withdrew consent and he carried on, he raped you.

Please do contact Rape Crisis. rapecrisis.org.uk

Original poster
MalcolmFucker · 14/12/2018 18:54

Another time I told him I had missed a pill the previous week so had to use other protection for 7 days. It was day 7, I said he had to pull out. I told him before we had sex and during. He didn't. When I asked him what the fuck he was thinking and there was a chance I could be pregnant he just told me to get the morning after pill.

OP posts:
OnionsAreNotTheOnlyVeg · 14/12/2018 18:54

Freezing is a common response. It’s shock, it’s self preservation, it’s disbelief at what is happening.

Original poster
MalcolmFucker · 14/12/2018 18:56

He left me 6 months ago and I was devastated. It's only now that I'm thinking about the things that happened and I feel so stupid.

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 14/12/2018 18:56

You're not going crazy. He's a heartless fucking rapist.

I have a decent direct understanding of his perspective because (fuck it can't be arsed name changing) I've done bum stuff to other people. And I'm a normal, kind human. He knew What He was doing. He just didn't care. Cunt.

OnionsAreNotTheOnlyVeg · 14/12/2018 18:56

Oh and you are NOT over reacting. Please do confide in someone, a friend, if not someone at rapecrisis will listen to you.

Original poster
MalcolmFucker · 14/12/2018 18:56

Disbelief is the right word I think.

I just kept thinking there's no way do would do this, he's not like that.

OP posts:
OnionsAreNotTheOnlyVeg · 14/12/2018 18:57

You aren’t stupid. You are a survivor.

mynameiscalypso · 14/12/2018 18:57

It's absolutely still rape if you didn't fight it off - as PP says, freezing or zoning out is a very common response. You said 'No', that's the magic word as far is consent is concerned.

Original poster
MalcolmFucker · 14/12/2018 18:58

I don't know why I didn't go nuclear. I walked around in a daze for a few days afterwards.

OP posts:
Original poster
MalcolmFucker · 14/12/2018 18:59

I confronted him about it, the night he left. He said well IF that's true then I don't understand why you would want to be with me.

OP posts:
FairytaleOfWigan · 14/12/2018 19:00

He’s a rapist. It’s not your fault and you are not stupid .

Please talk to Rape Crisis .

Most rapes dont happen in a dark alley with a knife at your throat. They happen to women like you and me , who are with a man they knew and trusted.

Ragaroo · 14/12/2018 19:00

I hate this man and want to castrate him on your behalf. I would report him, worst case scenario he goes on record, and should any other woman report him in the future there will be back up from your evidence.

Original poster
MalcolmFucker · 14/12/2018 19:01

I actually begged him to stay Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
MalcolmFucker · 14/12/2018 19:02

I might text one of my friends. Maybe it will be easier not to talk in person.

OP posts:
FairytaleOfWigan · 14/12/2018 19:19

Lost of men rape women who love them.

It proves that they are abusers, not that the women were stupid.

You are not alone Malcolm. It’s happened to many of us - smart, intelligent women , who never thought of themslves as victims.

Original poster
MalcolmFucker · 15/12/2018 09:39

I just want to thank everybody that replied to my thread yesterday. I slept better last night.

OP posts:
JK1773 · 15/12/2018 13:05

OP I totally understand where you are at. I was with my ex for 7 years. A year or two into our relationship he dated raped me. He or his friend put a drug in my drink on a night out and when I woke up with zero memory of the night I knew he’d had sex with me (you know don’t you).
I left him 3 years ago for numerous reasons. It was only about a year ago I allowed myself to believe this had actually happened. I was livid suddenly and wished I’d asked him that morning to drive me immediately to the police. I didn’t. Instead I faced days of abuse for being so ‘out if it’ and I never mentioned the sex issue. Deflecting blame from him probably. I believe it was his friend that spiked me (I’ve since found out he had form for this). Sickening, gutless and criminal. There’s nothing whatsoever I can do about it now but I did, in my own time, just need to process it and put it behind me x

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