I’m being triggered at work and i’m trying to work it out

[Tryingtobecapable]

I have just started a new job working as the chief of staff to a very successful man who is revered by everyone in the company. In the industry we work in he has a bit of celebrity status because he’s good at what he does, (but he’s not an actual celebrity or anything!)

It’s been made very clear to me that I am supposed to be the main point of contact for him internally and externally and all communication has to go through me, and vice versa (from him, through me, to others.) he has made this clear to me and so have many others. We are supposed to spend about 5 hours a day together.

I saw him a lot during the interview process, we spent about 15 hours together over several months, talking about my role.

I have now been in my new role for 2 months, and from the moment I started until now I have barely had any contact with him. He does not pick up the phone to me, and he never contacts me. If I do see him, he gives me a passing apology for “being so crap,” makes a meeting to “catch up” with me “later,” then I will turn up to the meeting and he won’t come. If I contact him he says he’ll be an hour. I wait another hour and he doesn’t turn up. Then another and another. Then i’ll get a text saying something urgent has come up and he can’t come.

He also arranges phone calls with me where he just doesn’t call. I wait by my phone for hours. When I call him, he doesn’t answer. This happens most days and most weeks.

He is the one who has to give me work. His communication with me is key to my job and my success. And also his continued success. Most days I am at a loose end with nothing to do.

I feel slightly humiliated because I appear to be constantly chasing after him and waiting by the phone. Other people see it. They all say that he has always been like this.

I have sat down with him and been direct, and he has just reiterated that he knows he’s been crap and he’ll “make it up” to me.

I have found myself falling into extremes of emotion about it. Hope, when there is a meeting in the diary, and crushing disappointment when I turn up, wait for hours, and he inevitably doesn’t show. I feel like I am in a terrible one-sided relationship, except it’s work and I can’t just tell him to fuck off.

Last week he cancelled a meeting with me after I had been waiting two hours in a boardroom he had booked and was texting me every half an hour saying he was on his way. Then as I left, I bumped into him on a Christmas jolly with other people from the office (which I had not been invited to.)

There are people I can talk to about it and I will do (booked in to see one of the directors next week.) I know that what is happening is not on and generally very unprofessional but what I am asking here is what am I being triggered by?

I feel humiliated. That may seem extreme but why do I feel like that? I feel like my presence is an annoyance or that there’s something wrong with me or I am being rejected. I don’t like chasing him. I understand that in these kind of roles you do have to chase to some extent - but surely not this much?

Because he is my boss i have had to be “cool” about his constant no shows. He always has a far fetched excuse. Because I have been denying my own autonomy and real feelings and saying “everything is fine,” when he is around in the office but preoccupied, I have found myself behaving very coyly and seriously, which is not really me. So now I am not even able to be myself.

I presume because I had a few relationships in the past where I felt rejected or I was chasing, that I am feeling very uncomfortable pursuing this, even though I am employed to do so. I am wondering If i were a person who was untriggered by this, what would be a normal reaction to it?

Would this trigger you? Just to be clear I am not asking “what should I do?” I am asking is it normal to feel this triggered by this kind of treatment, even though it’s at work?

Definitively normal! It’s still a relationship, albeit a working one, and he is “rejecting” you/ treating you as if you are utterly unimportant, although it’s obviously not YOU from what others have said. He sounds awful!

Absolutely normal.

What makes him think he can be so incredibly rude and thoughtless to someone who is meant to be there to support him!

Make a note of everything that has happened to date and anything in the near future and present it to HR/ a senior director.

What an entitled prick.

Time for a new job. Internally or externally. Preferably externally.

I couldn't work this way, I'd be looking for a new job. What a prick.

So it’s not personal and he’s behaved like this with previous people in the same role?

Does he actually want someone working for him in this capacity?

His actions are presumably making it difficult for you to fulfil your role and undermining your relations with colleagues.

It’s good to acknowledge the emotions, but then suggest dealing with it as a work issue: first decide if you want to move jobs now (which may make sense as he seems very difficult to work with in this role).

If you decide to stay for now, you could decide what you need in order to do your job effectively, from him and others, then seek this, following up in writing.

If you don’t get these things, it’s likely you’ll have to complain using your organisation’s process.

An appalling way to treat somebody, I don't really see how this could not affect you. Time to move on.

Trigger seems an odd choice of word. Pissed off, yes.

Can you perhaps just roll it to your advantage, use all that free time to build up your own work? Perhaps as a dropshipper via some big retail website, or spread betting?

Nah, seriously I'd take it as long as the money outweighed the annoyance. As soon as that flips - and it sounds like it has - go get a diffferent job.

“Because he is my boss i have had to be “cool” about his constant no shows”.

No you don’t. That’s passive. The assertive response would be to tell him calmly what the practical impact on you of his action (or inaction) was, that you’re not happy about that, and what you’d like him to do differently. Each time.

At my previous job, our director was exactly like the man you are describing and I always felt so bad for his assistants. He gave all of us the same flaky treatment but his PA obviously bore the brunt of it and he couldn't keep one, no matter how good she was. The weird thing is, he was gutted after a couple of really good ones resigned, but he never could understand why!

My point is, it's probably not personal. He's just a dick.

Whatever way he sees it, the current process means that you feel undermined and that you have nothing to do most of the time.
You are continually in a holding pattern waiting for permission to land. Notice he holds all the control and you have absolutely zero. That is why you are feeling defeated and out of control and helpless. Anyone would be in your position.
It's a form of bullying. So address it sooner rather than later. At the meeting ask for Clear Expectations - list your expectations at the outset of the job, and then the reality.
Tell them your Expectations from the interview and the actual job are very different. You are willing and waiting for work and need the Expectations re-defined.
The Expectation was that the Boss would come to you to tell you what to do. Maybe the reality is that you have to batter down the Boss's door and demand work from him. If that is the case, so be it, but you need some help to make the Expectations clear.
The Boss could come back and try to shimmy out of it and make it out to be your fault and say 'oh she never told me she had nothing to do' or 'she never comes in and asks me' or 'she never rings me to ask me what should she do next'.
Some sort of written weekly report might help as a Communication document between you and the Boss if he doesn't like talking to people.

To be honest a lot of senior ‘leaders’ are like this. To give you some strategies of what the Chief of Staff for our unreliable ‘celebrity director’ does. Note that for big name leaders a Chief of Staff and a PA role can overlap and you absolutely need to either have his PA on side / step up to the admin parts of the role.

1. Gets a seat next to him in the office.

1. Gets access to his diary in the morning. Prints it out and sticks it on his desk (and keeps a copy herself), and then keeps reminding him to stick to it. Chases up every important thing in person, telephone, by email, AND text.

1. Email. Everything that needs his approval is emailed to him and chased via email / in person / text.

1. All meetings are catered and labelled as such on the invite. This is the only way to ensure his attendance.

1. The chief of staff makes a lot of decisions herself if he doesn’t reply to emails etc. But she always explains to him why via email — I have seen many a ‘I’ve chased this item x times since x date and as this piece of work needs to be submitted now, I have done so. Please provide feedback asap if anything incorrect’.

Can you say as a non negotiable that he has to meet with you for 15 each morning at the start of the day.

If he cancels or is late for meeting that send him a list at the end of each week stating all the delays or no shows as facts

Absolute rudeness. Who does he think he is? Tell the director everything. You are there to work in a professional capacity and he us treating you as an afterthought.

I'd be telling everything and if he doesn't change, I'd leave.

As for feeling humiliated, I would too. How could you not take it personally ... sitting in a boardroom for hours. It's just unreal.

I worked for someone like this.
Just leave. It won't get better, he won't change as he has no incentive to. These men won't suddenly have a complete personality change because their female Chief of Staff asks them to.
In my case it later turned out he had an alcohol problem and was having an affair, hence impossible to pin down, always late, far-fetched excuses etc. Behaviour which is clearly wrong dressed up as normal.
Put all the energy you are putting into analysing your emotional response into brushing up your contacts to secure another role.

He sounds horrendous, I would just leave to be honest, for your own sanity

I work in a team for lots of different people depending on what projects I am working on. A few of them are also people you have to chase, are unreliable etc, although your situation sounds worse. I feel like I am constantly begging them for their attention and pathetically grateful when they respond or actually meet a deadline, albeit after several chases. It makes me feel craven and weak, and I am not in any other aspect of my life so you can add resentful into the mix too. I have decided to stop the chasing and if a project fails I will just document the steps I had done to engage but will accept no other responsibility other than my own action items.

Fellow chief of staff here. Use your free time to find another job.

I'm not a sensitive soul but that situation would make me really depressed. Some people are just unable to delegate effectively and he's unlikely to change.

God thats depressing. Use the time to look for other jobs.

I really feel for you. However you have the choice to leave, go to a recruitment agency and tell them why you are dissatisfied with this job, they'll circulate your cv and you'll be inundated with offers. Make that a new year's resolution.

Good luck!

Triggered? Really?

I've previously worked for a similar sort of arsehole. I found another job as quick as I could and I was very honest on my exit form. Apparently he's gone through another 2 PAs since I left 18 months ago.

Who did the job prior to you OP? Do you know the circumstances of why they left? It might be reassuring to you to know its not you that's the wrong un here.