Hello Everyone. Sorry for the essay but want to give as much detail as possible..
I am a 33/m who has messed up bad. I met this girl (25) early October and we had a whirlwind relationship including going on holiday together and spending loads of time together (slept in each others flats nearly every night for the past 30 days before break up). I had been single for 2 years and met loads of girls on dates but never wanted to be with them, i always found a reason not to. But with her it was instant. I didnt believe in love at first sight until then. We told each other we loved each other after 1 week and i know i meant it. We had this connection, everything was wonderful, we were the soppiest couple ever. She met and got on with my kids so well too. We talked very early on about spending our lives together, marriage, viewed houses etc and she was desperate for me to propose which i did on Friday 30th Nov. I knew she was the one for me. She said yes as i expected but then within 6 days she broke up with me citing my behaviour. I know I am going to get a storm now but I have to be honest with you in order to get anything out of this thread.
I had previously (before engagement) mentioned to her that the skirt she wore to work was short. I didnt tell her to change but said guys will be looking at her and this made her feel self concious. She got angry at first but then offered to go shopping for new stuff which i refused as i didnt want her doing things and changing just to please me.
I realised during this relationship that i suffer terribly with jealousy. I have little self esteem no matter how much she told me that she thought i was handsome etc. She was too good for me, far too good. i'll never ever attract someone like her again.
Another time (after we got engaged) she went out to the gym and when she told me what time she arrived there it didnt add up so i asked her how it can happen that she took 30 mins to get somewhere 5 mins away. I KNOW she hadnt done anything wrong and i wasnt accusing her but i dont like it when things dont make sense and i didnt let it go for a few mins. again stupid. I had been cheated on and left by my wife 2 years ago so i guess that played a part too?
I also have a tendency to sulk instead of talk about things. If she said something on the odd occasion that 'upset' me I would go quiet and maybe not be so loving on my text messages. I guess this could be defined as punishing her?
Last Thursday lunchtime she asked where her happy man had gone and she felt like she was losing me. Before i had a chance to reply my o2 shut down completely and i couldnt even make calls or text messages. When i did get hold of her hrs later she had been with her mum all afternoon and seemed different and then when i picked her up from her mums later on she said she just wanted to talk in my car for a bit. my heart sunk and sure enough she broke up with me. I begged her and said i was so happy and would get help and change. She then softened and asked me to propose to her again which i did. then she went inside to her mums to get her bag and then changed her mind back and told me its over.
She clearly was influenced in my opinion (not that its relevant i guess)
I was and am heartbroken. I genuinely thought she would give me a chance to change my ways, after all she had agreed to spend her life with me less than a week before. (and a minute before if you count the 2nd proposal!). I thought that would allow me a chance after 1 'talk'?
She sent me a few messages that evening saying she missed me and that i was her soulmate but then on friday afternoon sent me a final goodbye saying i took her to wonderful highs but then accused me of controlling her and then said i can have the ring back when i want it (sooner rather than later). i have not had contact since. I deleted all the stuff from facebook as thats my coping mechanism. I am not one to stalk and all that. Its too painful.
I felt really down. REALLY down. and trying to cope with that and one way to do that is to stick to my promise to change.
I have since had 3 hrs of counselling, bought 2 books and am really going to change how i process and behave. I have been told i will never change jealousy. it is very common and will always be there but i can learn to manage it in better, less harmful ways. He said it is not my fault, its how i have been made but i can control my thoughts better.
I want to reach out to her but even the thought of doing so makes my heart feel like its pumping out of my chest with anxiety. What if she hates me? What if shes moved on? Did she mean any of what she said to me the past 2 months? Did she even love me at all?
Ultimately its my fault, i know that, but please could anyone give tips on what to do next as I am hurting bad. thank you