DH no interest/refusing to sleep together

[nousrname]

HI all . we are together for 15 years. Got married last year . we were only together a short while when I fell pregnant, so I will admit we never had much time to let our relationship thrive .
Many ups and downs over the years including a break up for 2 months and I will admit it's the happiest I've been for a long time .
we broke up because I was getting nothing from him . No affection , no physical contact no chats no communication , he was just happy to live here , go to work , come home , sleep on the sofa and head off out with his mates at the weekend .
I ended it , and will admit met someone else very quickly , just a casual thing , it sounds so sad but I couldn't believe anyone else could ever have an interest in me ....me being so fat and ugly how could any man want to touch me? But in fact I was asked out almost immediately , it was never anything serious just a kiss here and there , I couldn't believe how starved I was of physical affection untill then .

To my surprise OH got very upset by this .I honestly never thought for one minute it would bother him . He started to act very strange and I feared for his mental health . He cried and begged me back which was shocking as he never really showed me any real feeling before
So we got back together on the promise things would change , that we would never go back to that awful lonely place again .
fast forward the following year he asked me to marry him ,
I had my reservations as things were starting to slip back to the old ways , but with kids etc I thought it's just me making a fuss , and went ahead and done it .
Married nearly 2 years and hey ho here we are again . I am still in my big king size bed .Alone .
He is on the sofa .
I have made a good few attempts at physical contact only to be rebuffed , "I'm tired , kids will be home soon etc .
We haven't been getting along lately , he works full time , I look after the 5 kids and the house and all the outside stuff , appointments, collections etc , he doesn't help at all at home because he works all day .
This has caused resentment between us . I admit I do raise my voice in the house at times , I don't want to but it happens , I feel under severe pressure at times and have explained to hubby the times when I raise my voice is because I'm stressed and need more help around the house .
We can't seem to find a compromise on this , he says he would like some weekends to himself to relax , I don't think that's reasonable as he has 5 young kids there is no relaxing .
I try to reconcile with him but he just says we don't sleep together because I always shout .He doesn't see I shout because I'm stressed , if I got more help around the house I could be more relaxed .
I feel he is using physical contact as a bargaining tool .
Even said to me you might get something tonight if you're good .(months ago) What a turn off .
We haven't slept together in probably a year now , I've tried other ways of doing things he always refuse/makes excuses , I really don't know where I stand . He says if I be "nice" things will be ok but I told him that's not gonna fix it . I feel something is seriously wrong here , I haven't been touched , hugged or kissed in a long long time , I am still only young and feel like I am wasting my life .I come down in the mornings when he's asleep on the sofa and try sort things out as the kids are noticing "daddy sleeps downstairs", he doesn't seem interested , seems quite happy to live like this, how do I break the cycle .Sorry for the long post I didn't think it would all come rushing out like this and if anyone gets to the end thank you for reading .

5 young kids is hard going... but his attitude stinks.

I don't like the "if you're good nonsense"

You can try marriage counselling, so you can both express how you feel.

If you do shout a lot..that could be affecting him. It may be a trigger for some things he saw growing up.

I must admit I don't like raised voices. My mum used to shout a fair amount when I was younger and I hated it.

Although I can imagine with 5 little ones ....you may need to shout to be heard. Try and work on that.

How to break the cycle? By accepting that this is who he is and he has no interest being different. Waiting around for him to be different, isn’t a strategy that’s provided dividends.

The balls in your court.

I don't see any of this changing.

did you plan on having 5 kids?
Maybe he is afraid of another pregnancy which is silly but men can think that way.

He just came back to you to stop you moving on and he doesn't care about you or your relationship. I would make the break permanently this time.

You must had a bit of a sex life if you had 5 children.

Why are you describing yourself as fat and ugly? Has he said this or is it his actions making you feel like this?

What is his relationship like with his own family?

I've been through this. It's utterly body crushing and soul destroying. It's not sad that someone else found you attractive, or that you enjoyed some physical attention and affection. Not at all!

Every day you don't have sex, every week or month, that's you compromising to him. Obviously he can't compromise the other way around as you want him to want you physically, not be forced into it.

So, you need to stop compromising in another way, because it's hard to explain to others how exhausting this part is, but it really is.

You need to get some control here. If he's not masturbating, or has a porn addiction, then he's asexual, temporarily or not. If that's not how he's always been then he has three choices, which you need to put to him. 1. GP to check for physical issues.

1. A marriage counselor, or a sex therapist.
2. Do nothing.

All three are valid options. Give him a date by which his decision needs to be made and action taken.

All three have consequences. The first two you will support him in. The third one, totally valid for him, but unacceptable for you as a way of life as you don't want to be in a sexless, unaffectionate marriage any more than you want to be married to a gay man.

Expect it to be 3 and plan for that.

Be serious.
He has every right to no sex.
You have every right to sex.
The two are not compatible in a monogamous relationship (and he clearly wouldn't cope in an open one).

I'm glad you're married though, you're in a stronger position now if you do end the relationship.

It's also worth pointing out that it's better to be single and not able to find a date than it is to be in a committed relationship that is sexless. Utterly different due to choice. Which brings me back to you. There IS choice here for you. If you accept him like this by staying with him for the sake of the kids, that's your choice. You're free to make it. You can't then complain or be upset with him when he doesn't change.

For the first two options, I would also have a finite time in mind. Say a year for marriage Counselling, if things then haven't changed the options are dr or end.

If the dr says no physical problems, you're back to options 2 & 3.

You're going to have to drive this forward, but don't do things for him, he has a responsibility here. He makes dr appointment for example, you can accompany him if he wants, but he has to do it, otherwise you're increasing your responsibility, which he's already trying to increase. If it's not his problem, that means nothing will change, because he's not accepting it.

If you're a sexual person, sex is a bedrock of life. It is no minor issue to have it removed.

Tell him he's either in this relationship or he's not.
With his current behaviour he's not.
It's his choice. Be involved and make an effort or pee off and let you be happy!

@SandyY2k , Hi , thank you for your reply . I don't think I shout a lot , I mean I am a kind relaxed happy person most of the time but I'm sure everybody looses the rag sometimes when pushed to the limit . The thing is, before I get to the level of shouting I will always ask nicely/kindly for help with something , then after being ingnored a few times I will loose it !

@pissedonatrain, thanks for you reply .That is actually a very good question and something I hadn't thought about . We didn't plan on having 5 kids at all but love them all the same , maybe he is afraid of another pregnancy , but it still doesn't explain his lack of affection or communication

@safetyfreak . lol .We sure did have a sex life to have 5 children !! But come to think of it the bedroom was never rocking , it would mostly be me initiating , he could either take it or leave it at that stage .I do have a higher sex drive than him I think .

@MiniTheMinx . Thanks for replying . I honestly was convinced I was fat and ugly and that's why he never touched me .I believed this in my own head . wasn't his words more so his actions, totally blamed myself for no affection , thought who could blame him ? Until we broke up and I stepped out and found to my astonishment that apparently I am attractive .

@Piny333777 thanks . I have said this to him many times but you know , it's all my fault according to him . I'm "such a bitch" ! That's why he doesn't wanna sleep with me . He will blame me when I try to talk it through and we go around in circles .

It’s fine for him not to want sex. It’s not okay for him not to at least tell you why and either tell you this is how it’ll be for good if you stay together, or to tell you he’s willing to work on it. In a marriage there’s the expectation that you will have sex with each other, unless you’ve agreed otherwise, in my opinion reneging on that and deciding you won’t have sex anymore is unfair if you still expect monogamy as you’re basically taking away your spouse’s ability to have a sex life too.

Having said all of that, he isn’t gonna change now. When you tried to ask him why and he said it’s cos you’re a bitch, that was your cue to leave. Why would you wanna be with someone who thinks you’re a bitch? He has had all of the opportunities in the world to tell you why, if he knows why, he’s lost his libido, to work on it, and he’s chosen to stick with this decision and you can either suck it up or fuck off. So you’ve be naive to expect this to change now.

Ball is in your court. Do you want to be with him in a sexless marriage? Or would you rather be single and free to eventually meet someone else where you have a chance at a decent sex life?

And the big question... why on Earth are you okay with being with a man who has called you a bitch?

@SoaringSwallow thanks for your reply . He does masturbate , I asked him once before he took a shower to not masterbate so there would be something in the tank for us for later , he told me to get lost he can do what he likes with his own body .
I knew for a fact if he masterbates in a day there would be no action that day .That was a few years ago .

I have asked him recently if he's gay he says no . Have asked him does he masterbate he says yes
I bought sex toys for me and him and sexy dress up for me , he has no interest.
They are sitting in my drawer for a year now .

On a nearly daily basis I try to talk things through with him ,
as it's an unhappy house at the moment and it's affecting my beautiful kids .

There would never be a blazing row or loud voices at each other as anything I say he hardly ever replies just gives me the silent treatment instead .

If he has a problem he won't say it he will just give me the silent treatment for days/weeks and only when I approach him about it he will say " oh 6 days ago you were a bitch etc", he holds grudges for a long time for silly things like I have described above.

his reply is the same each time . "if you stop being such a bitch , things would be better " .

Even when things are good here and everyone is happy he still avoids me and sleeps on the sofa . His action speak louder than words .

Nousr sorry, that's awful. He's being an utter sh*t.

But you still have options here.

So, what do you want? Would you like to try to work it out? Do you want yo invest time and energy into this regardless of whether he does, at least to start with? Then marriage counselling is your best bet.

If not, you either put up with his behaviour or end it.

The bottom line is you don't need to put up with this ongoing and awful behaviour.

And if you're happier without him, is that better for the kids to grow up seeing then stressed and downtrodden now?

And another thing you have control of here is time. You can take your time thinking about this if you want. He's going to carry on how he is so you don't need to rush to a decision about anything.

HI mumsnetters , I am the original OP of this post , I am just looking to refresh/ re start the thread for more insight/traffic/replies, thanks .

Hi OP, definitely don't have any more kids with him, it would only make your situation more difficult and add to the pressure. 5 kids is a lot for anyone to handle!

Sex refusing guy - who also insists that you stay together and won't let you go when you attempt to break up with him - is in the Lundy Bancroft book "Why does he do that", I think in the sexual abuser category. Have a look at it.

To be clear, it's fine for anyone, man or woman, to not want sex, but when they refuse to "allow" you to exit the relationship and exercise your right to access consensual sex, it becomes coercion, and sexual control/abuse. My 2c.

So no change since december then? X

What have you done to change your situation? If you do nothing...nothing will change.

It requires you to take action, one way or another.

Remember Einstein's definition of madness.