Sharing family events soon after separation

[cloudbusting42]

I've been on a fast-track road to hell since late Sept when my ex hurled a grenade into my life by suddenly announcing that he hadn't been happy for years, didn't love me any more, and was off. Just peachy. Anyhow, I'm still on my perch despite a fairly constant barrage of fuckery.

Most recently being last night when we agreed to go out for my daughter's 6th birthday (yeah, xmas fuckery plus my birthday, plus hers all in the same month in the wake of his cockwankery), together with his parents (incidentally, great people). I wanted to do it to show daughter that we could do these things from time to time despite not being together.

The event itself was ok. Things felt strangely - albeit falsely - normal. A family celebrating their daughter's birthday.

Went to bed feeling proud and relatively peaceful. But today's been pretty awful. Feeling a profound grief for what I've lost - having to live it last night, right at the point when I'm trying to disengage, was a killer. Now telling myself that I never have to do that again, unless I 100% want to. Just don’t want to spend days after each encounter feeling like I've had the life knocked out of me.

Was clearly too soon for me. I thought the meal itself would have been the wringer, just hadn't anticipated the comedown. You learn.

How have you managed birthdays and similar events in the early days? Did you do stuff together or was it just not possible to relive it all?

How awful - i dont have experience of this since when exh dumped me for a bunny boiler we had no kids. I think you have to do what you feel is right to look after yourself. I understand you want to put on a good show for your DD and that is admirable but dont do things at a cost to you. Be kind to yourself.

Once a marriage is over, it really is best to separate your lives as much as possible. I tried the pretend happy families stuff and it badly affected me. Give your children two celebrations for their birthday, 2 christmases, 2 family visits. This is his choice - this is how it is.

If you can manage happy families for big occasions it is beneficial for the kids - my DD's parents even carshared to their Christmas event, it was quite a while before I realised they divorced 10 years prior! Ok not possible for all, but it's early days so would feel really odd. Maybe next time it will feel a bit less weird

It's rare for this sort of thing to work tbh. It's better to remain friendly - but firmly separate. When one of you met someone else it'd become more complex.

OP you really have to concentrate on protecting yourself from now on.
I've really seperated from my husband and I don't intend to ever spend time in his company again. Let your daughter celebrate things with him seperated from you. You will feel so much better the less you have to go with him.

I’ve been where you are and it’s horrible. Shortly after split from exH after his affair we went through with DD’s 6th birthday party playing happy families, it was awful.

I swore I’d never do it again and didn’t until this year when we managed to spend same DD’s 10th birthday party together in relative harmony! I also still see ex in-laws occasionally with the DC and we all get on fine. Just take it at your own pace, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.